“I have imposter syndrome, I guess. Or I did back then. I’d had one successful book, and it felt like a dream. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I was convinced it was going to be taken away at some point.” She hesitated as if searching for the right words. “I’d never belonged anywhere before. My mother would rent a place for a year, and she was such a bad tenant our leases would never be renewed. She didn’t care if she was forcing me to change schools every year, so I never got to keep friends. I just wanted something that stuck.”
I had to think about it from her point of view. “I get it,” I said finally. “I guess I never thought about how nervous you would have been that day, because I was nervous.”
“You were nervous?” Doubt clouded her features. “You’d been around the scene for years.”
“Yes, but I’d only released one book and was preparing to release my second. I was just as nervous as you. Probably more because people don’t tend to like me, and that makes me self-conscious.”
“Who doesn’t like you?”
I lifted one shoulder. “Anybody who meets me. I am not what you could describe as gregarious. I don’t make friends easily. Mostly, I just tag along with Nathan and let him do the heavy lifting.”
She pursed her lips. “You’re shy.”
“I guess I am. I grew up in a house where certain things were expected of me, and I did well with a schedule. When left to my own devices, I floundered.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning that my parents were well-to-do. My father was a developer who was big in social circles. I was always expected to be present at dinner parties where I was the only kid. Seen butnot heard. I took those lessons into adulthood, and I never really grew beyond that mindset.”
“Did you ever talk to your parents about it?”
“My mother died when I was thirteen. Breast cancer. My father was so heartbroken he didn’t really deal with me. He only had so much bandwidth, and I was too much for him. I tried to make myself small because I didn’t want to add to his burden. My grandmother stressed that I shouldn’t make things harder for him because it would be too much, and all I could think was that I’d lost my mother, who was an amazing person, and I couldn’t lose my father too. Then, after a time, that became my whole personality. I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m always on time. I never cause a fuss. That’s why my whole day spiraled when that thing happened with Amy Ryan.”
Bree looked tortured. “And then I made things worse by messing with you at the panel.”
“You weren’t that bad.”
“I was hardly gracious. I was uncomfortable with what happened and decided to turn it into a joke. That was the worst thing I could have done for you. I drew more attention to it, which had to be torture from your perspective.”
I took a moment to collect my thoughts. “I guess I’m just uncomfortable when people are looking at me. I wanted attention from my father very badly in the wake of my mother’s death, but I never got it, and eventually, I grew to hate the mere idea of it. I wanted to be invisible. Important, but still invisible.”
“And I ruined everything for you.” Bree appeared contrite. “I’m sorry.”
She’d said it. She’d meant it. It turned out an apology was all I needed to hear. I shrugged and smiled. “I needed to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I wouldn’t have preferred it happen that way, but what’s done is done.”
“No.” Bree vehemently shook her head. “I’m sorry. You need to stand up for yourself and tell me I did a bad thing. You can forgive me if you want—that’s the outcome I would prefer—but don’t diminish yourself. That’s not okay.”
I licked my lips then nodded. “I forgive you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yup.”
“Okay.” She went back to looking at her menu. “I want the short ribs. Dinner is on me, by the way.”
“Absolutely not. I invited you to dinner.”
“It’s not a date.”
I felt a pang in the vicinity of my heart.
What the hell was that?
“Plus, you saved me from Joey,” she continued. “I owe you.”
“I let Blair say mean things to you. I think we’re even.”
“No, don’t do that.” She was firm. “I owe you. It’s not your nature to accept that, but I want you to accept it this time. It’s the right thing for you, and I think it’s time you put yourself first.”
