“No, you’re doing enough for me. I got it.”
“Is Wes taking you?” She gives me a pointed look.
“What? No? Why would he do that?”
She shrugs, continuing to stare me down as though she’s waiting for me to tell her more.
I groan. “There’s nothing going on with him.”
“I didn’t say there was.”
“Thought you had sources?”
“You’re right, I do. So you might as well just tell me the truth about everything.”
“There’s nothing to tell, we’ve hooked up…a couple times.”
“I knew it!” She points at me and I roll my eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, but it’s nothing. He’s just there, and you know, he’s attractive enough.” I shrug like it’s not a big deal when lately it’s been a bigger deal than I’m willing to admit.
In fact, it’s felt like the biggest deal. Every time he looks at me, there’s so much that passes between us with just a look. So many unspoken words, yet we both know exactly what the other is holding back.
It’s terrifying, but I can’t stop. We don’t admit anything more, and we’ve never spent a full night together. We get lost in each other and then one of us leaves. I know the moment we do, then this thing between us officially shifts and the realness of the situation will get evenscarier.
I know Wes has his own reasons for not wanting to spend the night together. He has trouble sleeping just like I do, and I can’t help but wonder if he has nightmares, too. We both have histories we refuse to talk about and that’s partly why we work so well. There’s no pressure, no pushing. It’s a mutual understanding and it’s probably one of my favorite things about him.
“It always turns into something,” she hedges.
“This isn’t some romance book or movie. Two people can mess around and it not turn into anything more.”
“Whatever you say,” she singsongs.
“I think Lily is starting to rub off on you.”
“Not quite. I don’t have some crazy rubber duck bondage story to tell.”
“What?” I splutter.
She waves me off. “Don’t ask. Seriously, don’t.”
I double check that she has everything she needs for Sadie while I’m gone, still feeling guilty leaving her behind. She’s still getting used to me and my house and now she’s in another new place. I kneel down, rubbing her ears as I talk to her.
“I hope you have fun. I’m not abandoning you here, I promise. You’re still safe with me and I’ll be back soon.”
She sticks her tongue out, panting which makes it look like she’s smiling as her tail wags. I wish it helped ease the guilt I feel, but it doesn’t and I’m about to cancel this whole trip.
“Don’t worry about her. She’s going to have so much fun with Bennet and Duke,” Sutton tries reassuring me. Even though I know she’s right, it still doesn’t completely erase how I feel.
“Go have fun. Enjoy seeing your family.” Sutton leads me out of the house and back to my car.
I try to drag my feet a little bit more, but she doesn’t let me. Even as I’m backing out of her driveway, I feel like I should go back and get Sadie, cancel my ticket, and hide in my house through the entire holiday season. At this point, I don’t think Sutton would even let me because she just stands there with her arms crossed as she continues to watch me drive away.
For some reason, once I get home every single emotion I’ve held back breaks through. My forehead drops onto my steering wheel as everything bubbles to the surface, and I feel like I can’t breathe. Tears I can’t control are streaming down my face while I gasp for breath and dig my nails into my thighs.
I can’t do this. I can’t see my family. They don’t want to see me. I’m just going to ruin them like I ruin everything. I can’t go there, they don’t really want me there. It’s better for me to stay home. I go to pick up my phone, but my hands are shaking so bad I fumble with it, and it falls somewhere on the floor which only makes everything worse.
I bang my hands against the steering wheel, letting out a scream, hoping it will take away everything I’m feeling, but it doesn’t.
