There’s a flash of surprise on her face, and even though I don’t want this to end right now, I know it needs to.
If I’m not careful, I know Bailey could break down parts of myself that I didn’t think existed. And that’s not something I feel like I can handle.
This type of relationship, I can do. Sexual, controlled, boundaries.
Anything more is just not possible. Not with me.
CHAPTER 20
Bailey
I couldn’t leaveWes’s house fast enough the other night. This seems to be our new routine and I’m not sure how I feel about it. We meet up, one of us comes, sometimes more than once. Then one of us leaves.
But we haven’t kissed.
And we haven’t had sex since that very first night when neither of us knew who the other one was.
It’s one of the weirder situations I’ve found myself in. My mind is a mess of wanting to give into him at any point, and wanting to run far far away.
Sutton and Jameson are still on their honeymoon, and it’s been a few days since I left Wes’s house after his “punishment.” I’d hardly say getting to have multiple orgasms is a bad thing, but I’m not about to tell him that.
I need to do something to distract myself that isn’t working or fighting for my life in the group chat with Sutton and Lily. You’dthink Sutton would want to be left alone on her honeymoon, but Lily is clearly missing us, or missing Amity. Or has an extremely bad case of senioritis.
One of the things I discovered when I moved here was that the local bar does line dancing. At first I wasn’t sure about it. The thought of dancing in public was not appealing in the slightest. I would go, and watch once I dared step foot in the bar I met Wes in again.
I took Sutton there once, and it was certainly more fun to go with a friend. But I still have a good time alone. It’s exactly what I need to get my mind off everything. Brynn has continued to reach out, but even after I spoke to Brent briefly, for some reason I can’t bring myself to talk to my sister.
I know Brent wouldn’t tell her we talked. If he did I know she would say something to me about it.
I feel bad not talking to her, but she’s the one I want to protect the most, she always has been. As the two youngest in our family, there was a time when our older brothers weren’t around anymore. And I did what I could to protect her, no matter what it took from me.
I just wanted one of us to turn out okay.
It seems like she has. She’s successful, dating some hockey player on the same team as Brent. It doesn’t matter that I’ll never be okay, because she is. Which is why I can’t bring myself to reply. I refuse to drag her down with me. It’s best this way, even if she doesn’t understand it.
And this is precisely why I need the distraction.
Summer is turning into fall, the warm nights being replaced with cooler temperatures once the sun sets so I pull on some jeans, a loose shirt, and my comfiest ankle boots. I pull my long hair up in a ponytail, taking one last look in the mirror and sigh.
I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful. There’re so many others that are prettier than me. I’m tall, lanky, and the natural wave of my hair never cooperates. The bags under my eyes have been there for as long as I can remember. Scars have faded on my skin from the childhood I try to forget, but they will always remain. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I think about getting tattoos to cover them.
But I don’t want to.
I hate the scars. I hate where they came from, and hate what they represent from my past, but they show I survived.
And that’s what I try to remember.
The bar is packed.I forgot it’s a Saturday night, and it feels like every single person who lives in Amity is here making an appearance. The open floor is already in full swing with dancers, but I go to the bar first to get a drink.
The Jack and Diet Coke appears in front of me quickly, and I thank the bartender, making sure to tip well because I know how hard they work. I move to a spot out of the way to watch the dancers while I get at least one drink in me before I join.
I might be more comfortable dancing in public now, but I still need a little liquid courage to really let go.
After the first drink, the tension eases, and I’m loose enough to follow the steps without overthinking how ridiculous I might look.
It doesn’t take long before I’m laughing with others as we move, and my mind is able to push everything else away. I’m not sure how long I dance until the music changes, signaling the end of the line dancing portion of the evening and the dance floor is open to everyone wanting to move to the upbeat music pumping through the speakers.
I go back to the bar for another drink, having danced the first one completely out of my system. Not that I should stay much longer, I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow, but there’s no point in staying out.
