There’s a noise in the backyard, and I think maybe it’s someone coming to end it for me.Just end it.
I faintly recognize my name being called out by a familiar voice, but I can’t look up to see. I don’t want to because maybe this isn’t someone coming to end it for me. Now my mind is just playing tricks on me.
The voice almost sounded like Bailey, but there’s no way she’d come here. She’s done with me. I pushed her away because I couldn’t take it anymore. She saw how damaged I truly am and she doesn’t want that in her life. It’s a special kind of torture that she lives right next door to me, but that’s why I just stay in here, drinking myself into oblivion so she doesn’t have to see me.
“Wes?” She sounds closer, like she’s inside. I don’t believe she’s actually here. My mind just wants to fuck with me more. It wants to punish me for pushing her away, for continuing to live.
I hear her soft sob, and I finally find the strength to lift my head enough to see if she’s really here. And she is. She’s standing in front of me, eyes wide and looking at me with so much pain, but I hardly feel anything, everything in me is so numb.
She rushes over and drops to her knees in front of me, but I don’t move. I can’t. I just watch her. She looks around at all the bottles around me, and back to Bruno, who still hasn’t left myside. I see the tears streaming down her cheeks and how glassy her eyes are when they finally look at me once again.
“What happened?” she sobs and it’s when I faintly feel wetness on my own cheeks; I think it’s coming from my eyes but it’s hard to tell right now when everything feels so numb.
I shake my head, but the movement makes my stomach turn and my head dizzy. When I speak it’s rough and raspy, burning my throat I’ve only been using to guzzle down the biting alcohol. “Sunflower.”
She moves closer to me, kneeling between my spread legs. “I’m not leaving.”
I clench my fists. “There’s just no point anymore.”
Bailey’s tears fall harder. “No point to what? Wes, please what’s going on?”
“Anything.”
She gasps. “No.” Her voice takes a serious turn. “No. I know you’re not saying what I think you are.”
“Everyone else I know is gone. They all had more of a reason to live and still didn’t.”
“Listen to me.” She grabs my face, forcing me to look at her while the tears continue to fall for both of us. “You’re not leaving me. If you go, then I go, because in no world can I live without you. We are both fucked up and damaged beyond repair, but together we’re different. There’s no point in living in a world that doesn’t have youin it.”
I can’t do this, I can’t let her ruin her life. I can’t drag her down with me. But I want to be selfish and keep her. The same way I’ve been selfish and kept Bruno here with me to watch me completely fall apart.
I wrap my arms around Bailey, pulling her against me and burying my face in her shoulder as I let the tears flow without holding back. I breathe her in, feeling her against me. I let her be the reason every thought gets silenced in my mind while we just sit here, letting it all out.
The words start flowing from my mouth without thinking about it. I don’t care if it scares her, or what she thinks. I continue to hold her tightly against me, refusing to let her go. “I should’ve been able to save them. I watched them die and couldn’t do anything about it. I wanted to join them. Everyone is dead, why am I the only one still alive? It’s not fair.”
She comforts me by not saying anything, just holding onto me and letting me get it all out. The tears, the thoughts, all of it.
We stay like this for so long I lose track of time and it’s dark outside when I finally lift my head from her shoulder. Her eyes are red, and I bring her forehead down to mine. We’re both breathing heavily. “I shouldn’t have left like that,” I confess.
She moves her head against mine. “I shouldn’t have said anything. It wasn’t my place.”
“It was, though. You cared about me.”
Her hand reaches up to rub her thumb along my cheek. “I still care, Wes. I’ll always care.”
I pull her closer, our lips almost touching. “You lied. Youreally are an angel.” I kiss her before she can say anything. The second her lips are on mine the world seems to right itself again. There’re so many things that need to be worked out. I know this doesn’t solve everything, but right now at this moment, I feel like it’s okay. At least while her mouth is on mine.
She melts against me, kissing me back, and even when I thought she might pull away, she doesn’t. I refuse to let her go.
“Lay with me,” I say against her mouth. I just want to feel her next to me again. I want to feel her steady breathing. Even when sleep doesn’t easily find me, having her here makes it easier to keep the thoughts at bay. Right now that’s all I want.
I may not know what tomorrow is going to look like. I may not know what the future holds for either of us. But right now, all I want is to have her here next to me because she brings me peace.
Bailey stands up, stretching her hand out, and I almost laugh. If I gave her my full weight, she would come barreling back down on top of me. I work to try and stand up myself, pushing off the ground, even though it takes a couple tries before I get to my feet. Once I do, I sway, the world is spinning around me and I close my eyes, fighting the feeling off. I feel Bailey’s arm wrap around my back, her palm on my stomach as she helps steady me.
We stay like this as we walk up to my room. I think Bruno is following us, but I’m so focused on putting one foot in front of the other as we walk up the stairs so I don’t topple down and take Bailey with me that I don’t look back to check.
Once we’re in my room, she helps me lay down on the soft surface I haven’t been on in days. I’ve been alternating between the floor and the couch when I pass out because even the thought of walking up the stairs was repulsive.
