Again, my voice doesn’t sound like my own. “Maybe.”
She makes a noise of understanding before we hang up. As soon as we do, the heaviness hits me. The thoughts I try to keep at bay. The guilt of survival is back in full force. Chris had people in his life that loved and cared about him. He had more than I do and still he chose to end it all. He’s not the first of my friends to do so. In fact, we were a couple of the only people from our team still living. Now he’s gone too.
What’s stopping me from doing the same? I shouldn’t be alive anyway.
CHAPTER 45
Bailey
Sometimes when Ilet Sadie out in the backyard, I can hear Bruno out in Wes’s and that’s the only way I know he’s still around. That and seeing his car in his driveway, occasionally. But he hasn’t reached out. Neither have I.
Sadie will walk up to the fence and sniff, sometimes letting out a little cry when she realizes Bruno is over there. I can’t help but feel so bad for her. I want her to be able to play with her friend. I want to talk to Wes. But it’s clear he doesn’t want the same and I’m not going to push it.
His car is gone more than it’s there anyway, and I don’t know what he’s out doing. He might be driving around like he does. Or maybe he’s at Jameson’s, or the animal shelter. Maybe he’s found another hobby to fill his time.
Maybe he’s found someone else to fill his time.
I haven’t put the necklace back on since the day he walked away and left, but I look at it every day. It’s on my bathroom counter, taunting me, tempting me to reach out to him, but Irefuse. I’m not going to fight for someone who doesn’t want me. I almost let him in. I gave him more of myself than I should have and now I have to live next door and it’s worse than it was before.
It used to be a mutual dislike, even if he won’t admit that. We had arguments and disagreements, but it was just who we were. Then everything went and changed, altering my entire reality and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. Now I’m here, not knowing where we stand.
I lead Sadie inside, and she trots happily in front of me. I wish I could be as happy as she is every day. She always looks like she’s smiling, wagging her tail. Sutton gave her a bath for me and when I picked her up I needed to go check inventory since the girls told me we were running low on some items. I brought Sadie with and everyone loved it.
I just wish I could be like that. I feel like I’m living on autopilot, waiting for something to happen that isn’t going to. I don’t even know what I’m waiting for, just something.
After a week of this, Sutton calls me for her coffee delivery. I bring it to her and as soon as I’m through the door I’m greeted as always, but not by a person.
“Hi bitch,”Jerry Lee barks. I think back to Brynn telling Brent to get a bird, and it makes me crack a small smile for the first time in over a week.
“Jerry Lee, how many times do I have to tell you, you can’t greet people like that.” Sutton sounds exasperated with the bird.
I reach out, handing her the coffee she asked for, and she takes it thankfully. My smile must drop because Sutton suddenly looks serious.
“How have you been doing?” she asks.
I drop my eyes to my shoes.“Fine,” I mumble.
“Have you seen him?”
I shake my head, still not looking up at her.
“Have you reached out at all?”
I do the same thing again and hear her sigh.
“Has he been by your place?” I risk looking up to see her reaction.
She hesitates before slowly shaking her head and I deflate. I don’t know if I hoped he had and that he looked like he’s doing well, or that he looked as miserable as I feel. But the not knowing is worse.
“He still has Bruno.” I shrug. “I assume he would need to bring him in here to see you soon, right?”
“Right.” Sutton smiles. It seems forced, like she’s just placating me.
My shoulders deflate again. “I don’t know, Sutton. It was like a flip switched. Everything was fine. Great even. Then before I knew what was happening he just—” I shake my head at the memory of the moment he saidsunflower.The word we agreed ended everything, and the one thing I never expected him to say.
I also never expected to fall in love with him either, but here we are.
“Obviously none of us know everything he went through when he was in the military, but do you know if he’s ever gotten help or seen anyone about it?”
