I pretend like I’m okay for the rest of the trip, but on New Year’s Eve I notice that no one sets a single firework off. For some reason that alone hits me harder than it should. Mostly because I know no one thinks Wes is weak for not wanting fireworks. Even though he left, they still chose not to have them, and I feel like that just shows how caring my entire family is. If only he saw it that way instead of whatever way he took it.
By the time I get back to my room, I can’t hold back my tearsany more. The harder I try, the harder they fall, until my whole body is racked with sobs. I gasp, trying to breathe through the despair racing through me. The worst part of it all is that the one person that could help me through this is the reason for my tears in the first place.
CHAPTER 44
Wes
My house isdark and quiet when I get home. I got on the first flight out of Denver and came right back here. I thought it would help me feel like I could breathe, but the entire plane ride I was tense without a single distraction. I tried putting my headphones on and using loud music to drown out the thoughts threatening to consume me, but it didn’t work.
All I wanted was Bailey next to me, her soft hand on my arm, talking to me about anything and everything. Drawing my mind away from the fact that I’m not the one driving the plane. Without her here, all I have is myself and my thoughts. Which means that every time I try closing my eyes all I see is the explosions around me. All I hear is the sound of them with the calls of my fellow soldiers. All I feel is the pain in my leg from the brutal injury and the metal sticking from it.
I thought I would feel better once I was back home, but it’s worse. Bruno is still with Jameson and Sutton. I’ll go get him in the morning and then I’ll probably have to tell Gloria I can’t keep him anymore. I shouldn’t have let him get so comfortable, but I’ve been selfish.
I’ve been selfish with everyone. With him, with Bailey, and this is why I keep to myself. I let her in and she reminded me why I can’t do that. I don’t need everyone to know fireworks set me off. It just reminded me of how she sees me, and how anyone sees me once they learn anything about me.
Weak.
I’m fuckingweak.
I may not look like it. To everyone else I look big, intimidating, but inside all I am is fucking weak.
Because my mind won’t stop, I resort to the single and only coping mechanism I know that works. I get in my car and drive. I know this is going to be a long one because I don’t see myself sleeping for a while.
I drive until the sun is rising on the horizon, and then I go to Jameson’s in an attempt to distract myself by working around the farm. Nothing is helping, driving at least occupies my mind enough that the flashbacks don’t play as rampantly. I don’t feel better, but I’m as close to numb as I possibly can be.
I’m running on autopilot, keeping busy with whatever tasks I can find around the barn when Jameson appears in the entryway.
“Hey, I thought you weren’t coming back until after the new year?” he asks.
“Came back early,” I grunt, moving the last bale of hay. My hands are burning from the twine digging into my skin and my muscles ache from the heavy lifting, but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
“I can see that. Was there a problem?”
“Just needed to be back.”
I can tell he doesn’t believe me and he shouldn’t, but I’m not saying anything else about it. The last thing I need is more people finding out the truth about me. The one Bailey already knows, and had to announce to her family. The thought has me pissed off all over again.
“Bruno will be happy to see you, I’m sure.”
“Mhm.”
I’m sure Jameson can tell he’s not getting more out of me as I continue with the manual labor. I hear the steady sounds of paws hitting the ground before I see the four dogs appearing in the barn followed closely by Sutton.
“Hey Wes, I didn’t expect you to be here.”
“Yup.” I can feel the tenseness in the air, I just don’t know if it’s all coming from me. It probably is, but who gives a fuck. “I’ll just take Bruno off your hands and head out.”
“Sure. He had fun and can come back over any time.” Sutton smiles softly.
“Do you want to keep him?” I can’t help but ask.
“No, that dog is yours through and through.”
Yeah, except he’s not.
“See ya,” I tell them because I don’t know what else to say. The moment is awkward and I don’t foresee it getting any better.
“Okay, bye,” Sutton says softly. I can hear the concern in her voice, but I don’t want it. All I want is for people to leave me the fuck alone.
