He couldn’t hold back the tears this time. He looked at the ground as they poured down his face, falling to the grass. He started to tremble.
My first instinct was to put my arms around him. Cradle him like a child and tell him everything would be okay, that it would get better. That he wouldn’t always livehere, that he wouldn’t always be in high school, that he wouldn’t always be scared and ashamed.
I didn’t.
After a time, he managed to look back up at me. “What’s going to happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“What will people say?”
“I’m not going to tell anyone, Darwin. Donnie and Mandy already know, and they love you. They won’t tell anyone either.”
I should have known this wouldn’t have been soothing. “Other people know?” He looked around as if waiting for the mob with pitchforks.
I put my hand on his shoulder before I could stop myself. I wished I could tear it away. “Darwin, it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”
“Mom and Dad won’t be okay with you being here.” His voice was softer now.
“Don’t worry about me, Darwin. I’ll be okay.” I knew he wasn’t thinking about me, not really. “Just because I’m here doesn’t mean they’re going to know about you.”
He just shook his head. He knew better.
I dropped my hand.
“Do you really think God still loves me?” The tears started again as he fought to finish the question.
I felt my heart rip and tears spring to my eyes. “Oh, Darwin. Yes, I know He does. He absolutely adores you.”
“But, if I am….” He took a ragged breath. “He can’t, not till….”
“Yes, He does, Darwin. He’s not waiting for you to change. He loves you. He’s just waiting for you to realize that.”
It was several minutes before his sobbing started to subside and he could breathe normally again. Before I could stop him, he fell forward and wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled tightly against me, still shaking.
I stood stiff and glanced toward the barn window, hoping Donnie was watching. “Fuck it.” I don’t think I was loud enough for Darwin to hear. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud. I wrapped my left arm around his back and caressed his head with my right hand as he continued to cry on my chest.
After he was able to talk without breaking down, I took him back into the barn for him to wash his face. He looked a lot better after some of the redness had left his eyes. He smiled at Donnie when Donnie asked him how he was.
Donnie, free of my fear, wrapped the tiny young man in his arms. “We love ya, kiddo.”
Darwin just nodded as much as he could in Donnie’s firm embrace.
Donnie tousled his hair as you would a little kid’s. “Better get on home, boy. Your folks are gonna start getting worried.”
Twenty-Eight
Roselooked at me in surprise when I walked through her door the next morning. “Didn’t expect to see you here so soon.”
“Really? How long do you think is appropriate for a son to stay away when his mother calls him a child molester?”
She didn’t have any anger in her eyes, not even in her voice. “Why do you keep coming here?”
I stopped where I was, not going much farther than the doorway.
“I know you don’t want to be around me. I know you don’t even want to be in this town. Just leave. I can take care of myself. I don’t care if the house is clean; that’s all you’re doing.”
Maybe it was just the unexpected shock of her clarity and directness that made me take her seriously.
