“Are they? You talked to them before you talked to me, huh?” He smirked at me.
“Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Glad you said yes.” I gave him a little smile.
“Well, I think that would be a great thing for the boys. I’m glad you thought of it. Just keep in mind who said yes when you have extra food that tastes good.” He uncrossed his arms. “Is there anything else you need, or is it okay for me to bring up what I wanted to ask you?”
“You’re making me nervous, Lester. Go ahead, what’s on your mind?”
“Well, I’ve tried to figure out a way to ask this in a roundabout way for a couple weeks, and I haven’t really had any luck, so I think I’ll be direct.” He took another breath and then continued. “You’ve been a blessing to the team ever since you came on board. It really seems the good Lord has provided exactly the kind of man our boys needed. You have the perfect combination of tenderness and strictness. I was worried you might be a little too naïve or green to really be able to handle the tough aspects of this job. You’ve been a welcome surprise.”
He paused, looking like he was trying to figure out his next words carefully.
“Now you’re really making me nervous. That much bragging is normally followed by a huge ‘but’ that negates everything that was just said. Just spit it out, Lester. You’re gonna make me explode.”
“As you know, I can’t speak so freely to most people, as many find it offensive, but I know that you’re okay with it, so I will just speak my mind.” Another breath.
“I’ve been very concerned about you. I have spent a lot of time in prayer about it, actually, and haven’t been ableto really get any good ideas of what I should do to help. Outside of talking to you.”
There was only one thing I was worried about him asking me. I had been initially very relieved when Lester first told me about his religious views and his faith in God. It gave us common ground. It also worried me that he would not really be okay with the man he’d hired to work with his kids. But there was no way for him to know. Why would he suspect? And if he did, why would he bring it up?
“There’s something I can’t put a finger on, Brooke. You’re so friendly. Everyone here loves you. You’re quiet, and you keep to yourself, but you manage to be so welcoming with others. To a point. I know I’ve only known you for a few months, but it seems I keep running into walls when I get too close to really knowing you. I know you had somewhat of a rough childhood from the sound of things, but I don’t think that’s what I am running into. And like I said, I know this is none of my business, and very unprofessional of me to bring up. I’m not talking as your boss, and nothing you have to say will affect your job. I am talking to you as someone who cares about you and is worried. A part of you always seems scared and miserable. Why?”
As he spoke, I was doing my best to not break down, but I could feel my eyes burning, and my throat felt tight and constricted. If there was any chance of keeping it together, I shouldn’t speak.
Lester sat and looked at me, saying nothing else. After a few moments, he reached over to his desk, picked up a box of tissues, and placed them in front of me.
I focused on the tissues, my eyes blazing. I looked up at him. My heart was racing. Was this going to be thetime? Was I ready to take that step? What if it all fell apart?
We sat like that for what was probably less than three or five minutes, but it felt like hours had passed when Lester smiled again at me and made a motion to stand up.
“Wait!” The sound of my voice startled me. It was strained and sounded desperate. I tried to clear my throat. “Wait, Lester. Please. We can’t leave things like this. It’ll stay on the surface and drive me insane.”
Lester returned to his original position. “It’s okay, Brooke. Take your time.”
I gazed at his huge dark hands. I noticed the pink cuticles and how they were perfectly clean and formed. They looked like the hands of God. Big enough to hold the world. Big enough to hold me. What must a tiny baby look like when held in those big hands? How would my life have been different if they had been there to hold me when I was a baby?
“I’m gay, Lester!” I hadn’t even decided to say it. It just blurted out of me, nearly bellowed out of me. I looked up at him, shocked.
Lester’s eyes were wide. “Oh.” He cleared his throat and shuffled his hands. “I see.”
Now I couldn’t stop the tears. They rushed out, fast and thick. With the tears came relief. No matter what happened next, at least it was over. At least it was done. “Lester, I am sorry. I know I should have told you in my interview. I know that you probably don’t want me working with the kids. I know you—”
He held up his hand to stop me. He held my gaze for a long time before he spoke. “Stop. None of that. Give me a second, please.” He put his hand down and closed his eyes, seemingly praying.
The tears hadn’t stopped, but my throat was no longer tight, and I could breathe again. I sank into the chair, suddenly exhausted.
Lester opened his eyes. “I had pondered that option but didn’t really consider it because of where you went to school.” His good eye moved back and forth, obviously making connections to other conversations we’d had. “That explains why you didn’t apply for a job at a church.”
“Yeah. That was a big part of it.”
“Wow. No wonder there was a wall there.” He cocked an eyebrow. “So, gay, huh? Where are you with all of this? Is it something you are fighting, or are you okay with it?”
I couldn’t believe the relief that came with being able to talk to him about all of this. “Yeah, I’m okay with it, actually. I know it may not seem like it, but I am. I tried to fight it for so long, always pleading with God. I was even in therapy for years. Then, one day, I gave up. I told God if He wasn’t okay with me, then He needed to change me. I was done.” I looked at Lester, trying to gauge his reaction. “Ever since then, I’ve been great with it. I don’t completely understand the whole God aspect of it all, but I do know this. Before, I was constantly worried about my relationship with God and expecting to go to Hell. Ever since I quit trying to change, I have felt assured of God’s love for me, and I don’t worry about Hell at all.”
“Then why have you kept it secret and struggled so much to tell me?”
“I didn’t know what your reaction would be. So many people equate being gay with pedophilia. Even my own mother said she wouldn’t trust me to be a youth pastor when I told her I was gay.” I held his gaze firmlyand rushed on. “They’re not the same thing. Not even close. I have never been attracted to that. It is wrong and gross.”
“I would never think that of you, Brooke. Never.” He smiled at me, though his eyes were troubled.
