I didn’t say anything.
“Good night, Brooke. I love you.”
I didn’t say anything.
“I love you, Brooke.”
I exhaled in a huff through my nose and muttered, “I love you too.” I hung up the phone before he could say anything else.
It was over fifteen minutes before I could stop sobbing. I’m not sure if I was crying more from being angry or sad and worried. I kept checking my phone, waiting to see if he would call back. He didn’t. I started to text him three different times, but cleared each one. Finally, I hit the power button, threw the phone onto my jeans in the corner of the room, turned onto my side, and lay awake for a couple of hours before I was able to fall into an exhausted sleep.
Fourteen
I gotup early, before Maudra, which is saying something. Thurston was at the door, patiently waiting to be let out. He looked up at me earnestly out of those masked eyes as I tiptoed to the door. Pushing him aside with my foot, I stepped out into the crisp air. I caught another glimpse of him as I pulled the door shut. I felt a twinge of guilt; it was starting to be an ever-present emotion. As normal, I stifled it and quietly rushed to my car. I slid behind the wheel, and before three seconds had passed, I pulled onto Main Street.
I knew where I was going. It was where I always went when I’d needed to get away from Mom, when I couldn’t handle being around other people. I never even told Donnie of my sanctuary. I zoomed over the six miles of wet, winding roads. As I saw the old wooden sign announcing the entrance into Schell City’s nine hundred acre wetland fish and wildlife refuge, I began to slow down. Soon both sides of the narrow road had been taken over by shallow water as far as the eye could see, trees reaching high out of the marshland, creating the illusion of an evil sorceress’s desolate empire. In the spring, it would be gorgeous, all the trees in bloom, a vast assortment of waterfowl taking up residence. It was also home to scores of bald eagles. With all the leaves gone, it made it easy to see their huge abandoned nests scattered throughout the treetops. While it might be prettier in the spring, the way it looked now suited my mood better. Dead, gray. All the leaves had already fallen, the birds wintering elsewhere.
Idrove aimlessly, content to get lost within the maze. It was enough to be here. I was already feeling more intuitive, more serene. My mind was always a little clearer here. I had spent so many times late in the evening with my car pulled over into a ditch, praying for hours. Pleading for God to heal me, release me from the evil homosexual desires.
Of course, those prayers had quite the range. At times, I prayed for healing. At times, I prayed for death; it seemed the murky waters even prayed for my death. Other times, I beseeched God to send down one of His archangels, maybe Gabriel, to take me in his arms and make love to me. Surely making love to an angel would make it impossible for me to desire a mortal man. I recalled that prayer many times over the years. Looking back, it seemed rather ridiculous. How could God cure me by indulging me in the perfection of that sin? However, it made perfect sense to me at the time. I still couldn’t help but wish that prayer had been answered. What a day that would have been. You know Gabriel has to have quite the body on him. And the thought of those wings shuddering above me still gave me a thrill.
After a time, my car found its way to where I had always come. My perfectly sheltered ditch hadn’t changed over the years, except to become even more surrounded by flora. I rolled the windows down and killed the engine, letting the cold air rush in, causing me to shiver immediately.
I’d already decided I was not going to Rose’s today. She could get by without me. There had to be food somewhere in that house. If not, she could just catch one of the cockroaches and have a feast.
I also wasn’t going to call Jed. I had jumped out of bed as soon as my eyes cracked open and rushed to my phone and powered it up. There was nothing. No voice mail, no text. Not so much as a missed call. I hit the power button and put it in my sock drawer and slammed it shut. Luckily, as far as I was aware, it hadn’t woken up Maudra.
Jed was right. I knew he was right. I was changing. Even at my lowest point with Rose before, I wasn’t daydreaming of her death, I wasn’t angry at everyone, I didn’t go around whining. Just the opposite, actually. I had been one of the most positive and cheerful kids anyone had ever seen. It had been enough for people to know of Mom’s drinking, sleeping around, and overall crass behavior. I didn’t need to have stories about me to be mixed in the pot as well.
Never allowing myself to think about my mother over the years had allowed her to stay frozen in time in my mind. I never considered her getting older, continuing to have experiences here in this little town. She had quit existing. Nothing more than the mother I had known for my first seventeen years. She existed in a time capsule in some other dimension, on a perpetual loop reliving my childhood indefinitely. I hadn’t missed her; not once had I wondered what she was doing. One time, a few months after I left, I called her. Even then, it was like I was paying a visit to that other world where only she resided. As soon as I had gotten the word “Hello” out of my mouth, she let loose with such a stream of profanity and insults, screaming that she never wanted to hear from me, that I never should have existed, that I hung up the phone and put her out of my mind.
What was I doing here? True, I didn’t want to go back to Denver. Too much to face there. Too manyquestions to answer. I could go anywhere. Anywhere. I could do anything, become anything. With Jed or not, I could completely reinvent myself. I could do what I had to do to get her judged incapable of taking care of herself and unable to make sound judgments. All the court would have to do is come and take a look at her kitchen, or at least at what her kitchen had been. They could inspect her bathroom. I hadn’t touched that one yet. I could have her committed or locked away in the nursing home. I could sell the house, tear it down, or just let it rot. I could thank Maudra, Donnie, the rest of the Durkes for their hospitality and simply wave good-bye. I’d done it before. I could do it again.
Donnie never said I had to hurry down here. Donnie never even said it was my responsibility. He’d just thought it was right that I knew that my mother had a stroke. It had been all my idea to rush down here, rush to her aid, rush into Hell. Jed had thought I was doing my best to be a good son, to make a final connection with my mom, try to fix things before it was too late.
I knew better. I was sure none of that factored into my decision. But what had? The old Brooke would have said it was God working through my decisions, that He had some greater purpose that He was trying to accomplish. Well, the old Brooke would have said that with enough time in prayer and with enough faith, he would be straight. Hell of a lot he knew! I was glad I’d been wrong on that account. Even so, I had no idea why I had felt a desperate, nearly frantic need to return to the Midwest. I still didn’t. The need to be away from Denver hadn’t dictated a return to this backwoods country. And I knew no matterhow long I sat here in the ditch, I wouldn’t get any closer to understanding the decisions I was making.
Itwas midafternoon by the time I got back to Maudra’s. She was in the kitchen, cooking, as always. She inspected me as I walked into the room. She took in my red, puffy eyes, my blotchy skin, my disheveled hair. Her eyes narrowed, whether in sympathy or reprimand I wasn’t sure. It was evident she had heard some of my phone call with Jed last night, no telling how much. She returned to stirring the mixture in her huge blue ceramic bowl. Thurston had been sitting by the door cleaning his whiskers when I entered the room. He noticed me immediately, and with a very catlike demeanor, he lifted his tail and primly promenaded over to lie at Maudra’s feet. She looked down at him and chuckled.
“Looks as if someone’s not too pleased with ya this afternoon, Brooke.”
“I doubt he’s the only one.”
Maudra chose to ignore my retort. “So, Donnie called this mornin’. He said he’d tried to get ahold a ya on yer phone, but it kept goin’ right to yer message machine.” She stopped stirring, reached into the bowl, and picked out a glob of something and popped it in her mouth. She let out a sigh. “Now, these’re gonna be damn fine cookies.” As if to stress her point, she grabbed a bag of chocolate chips I hadn’t noticed and dumped a gratuitous amount into the batter. She returned her attention to me. “You wanna spoonful? Oatmeal chocolate chip, best in the county.”
I remembered her oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. They weren’t the best in the county; they were the best cookies anywhere. Before she baked them, she would rollthem in sugar and then press them down with a wet fork. She had given me the recipe when I was in high school. They were good, but I had never been able to perfect them the way she did. They always came out too dry. “No, Maudra, none for me. Thanks.”
Her eyes narrowed again. “NowI know somethin’s wrong. I couldn’t tell what you was sayin’ last night, but I could tell by the sound a yer voice that you were none too happy.” She poured even more chocolate chips into the batter and then added some walnuts. “You wanna tell me ’bout it?”
“No, Maudra. I’m tired of thinking about it. Sorry I was loud enough to disturb you.”
“I didn’t say you disturbed me. Quit puttin’ words in my mouth, boy.” It was good to hear her teasing tone. “’Sides, it’s nice to hear another person’s voice in this house beside my own. Ray’s been gone so long, you’d think I would’ve gotten used to this house being so empty, jist never have.”
“I’m sorry, Maudra. You didn’t deserve to be alone.” I was starting to feel guilty for all my complaining. I wouldn’t trade places with Maudra for anything.
She shook her long wooden spoon at me. “Now don’t you go feelin’ all sorry fer me. I won’t have it. I like my life. Nobody made me stay ’ere in this house, not that they could make me leave, even if they wanted to. As long as I’m here, Ray’s not completely gone. ’Sides, Donnie’s here all the time, and Sue ’n’ Chuck have me over fer dinner ever’ so of’n. I wouldn’t leave the church fer nuthin’ either.”
She got out a cookie sheet and poured some sugar in a saucer and began to roll out the cookies in her palms. It was comforting to watch her skilled hands, and I let mymind get lost in her actions. I missed cooking. I needed to start again soon.
