“Brooooklyn!” My mother reached the top of the hill. She hadn’t yet spotted me, but she did see Sue. Her eyes managed to focus on her. I was finally able to bring the swing to a stop. “Where is he, Sue? Where is he?” Her voice hadn’t calmed and impossibly seemed to be growing in volume. She stumbled as her foot caught the edge of the concrete pad. She reached out and steadied herself on the edge of a picnic table to stop herself from falling. Her sapphire-blue eyes hardened on Sue, accusing her of making her trip. I hadn’t seen her in this much of a rage in ages, and her fury was still building. She let go of the table and continued on her way to Sue. Pastor Thomasreached out a hand to her, seemingly to help steady her, although I didn’t know what he was hoping to do. She flung his hand away from her, never taking her eyes off Sue.
“Where is he, bitch? Where is my son?” Her voice was suddenly quiet. This always frightened me more than all her screaming. She stopped a couple of feet in front of Sue, trembling. Maudra had drawn herself to Sue’s side, and while not looking threatening, she managed to give off an aura of strength, her full-length brown gingham dress waving peacefully in the muggy breeze.
Chuck took a minute step in front of Sue. Mom’s eyes flashed toward him. She smirked and then dismissed him, again returning to Sue. “Sue?” Her growl was barely audible.
Sue’s voice was firm but cautious. “Rose, it’s okay, just calm down.”
Mom’s volume rose again. “Don’t you ever fucking tell me what to do, you arrogant bitch!” Mom never slurred, ever. If anything she became more creatively eloquent in these times, but she did get louder and cursed more.
Chuck took another step forward. His voice maintained his typical soft and slow cadence. “Rose, please. Why don’t we—”
Another of my mother’s murderous looks cut him off. “Don’t even start, Chuck. If I ever need the opinion of a pathetic faggot, I’ll be sure to ask you.”
Chuck’s face hardened. Sue reached out and put a hand on her husband’s arm. “It’s okay, dear.” She turned back to my mom. “Rose, Brooke is right here. He has just been eating and having fun. Everything isokay.”
Mom’s teeth clinched together. “How many fucking times do I have to tell you, his name isBrooklyn! Did you give birth to him? Did you carry him from the hospital?” Mom always threw this in Sue’s face, as if by saying it enough, it would somehow rewrite history. “Did you raise him? Who the fuck do you think you are, trying to renamemyson? No, it’s not some highfalutin name like Dionysus, Delphina, or Zephyra.” My mother glanced behind Sue at Donnie’s little sister Zephyra and sneered. “It’s a good thing your brother Xanthus died. He didn’t have to live with such a stuck-up, prickish name. Maybe you should follow his example!”
This time it was Sue who stepped forward. Her voice was still calm but commanding. “Enough, Rose.”
Mom glared at her in hate for what seemed like an hour, apparently weighing her options. Not able to back down entirely, she glanced over at Maudra and let her gaze slowly travel up and down Maudra’s body, wrinkling her nose as her eyes passed over Scamper, alertly perched on Maudra’s shoulder. “I see highfalutin names aren’t the only pretentious thing here. Where’s yourbrother, Maudra?” Her sneering lips curved into a snarl. “Oh, that’s right… he died, didn’t he?”
Maudra’s face didn’t alter, not in the slightest. Not even her eyes. I had left the swings and made my way inside the covering, and I was now able to see everyone clearly. None of them had noticed me yet. Donnie had tried to pull me away from the playground, whispering that we could go down to the bandstand and hide. Maybe find the tunnel. I had wanted to. If I could have, I would have stayed in the tunnel for the rest of my life. I knew my mother, though. I knew the only thing that would calm her down was getting what she wanted. Even though Donnie and his family hadseen my mother in this condition before, it never stopped being humiliating. I just wanted to get her home, away from the sight of others.
I took another step forward. This time, in the quiet of Mom and Maudra’s stare, they saw me. Mom’s eyes found mine. They grew darker. Her lips thinned. Even in this situation—the fear of what she would do next, the embarrassment that filled my body, the humidity and sweat that made her long blond hair wet and tangled, the inebriation that reliably made the left side of her face go a little slack, the small bit of drool that pooled at the side of her mouth—even here, as always, I was momentarily captured by her beauty. She was stunning. She always reminded me of a mermaid. In some ways, even more so at these times: twisted and matted hair plastered to her face and breasts, eyes wild and crazed. She was the fabled mermaid lounging alertly on a pile of rock and coral in the midst of a raging storm, the waves pounding in fury all around her, her eyes locked on a shipwrecked sailor reaching out to her in supplication, not knowing that any second she would dive off her perch, glide through the torrent, and grab him, taking him to the depths of the ocean to revel in his death.
Mom’s gaze left my eyes and traveled to my shirt and followed the path of hardened mud as it flowed over my pants and shoes. “You filthy shit.” She glared at me again. Not in hate, not like she looked at Sue. I had never been able to determine what she felt when she looked at me like that. “You are worthless, you dumb little fuck.”
“Rose.” Sue’s voice once again broke through, quiet and forceful. “Rose, don’t.”
Mom’s eyes never left mine. “Shut up, Sue. Don’t you dare try to tell me how to talk to my kid. Just because your brother fucked me and left me with this pile of trash don’t mean you got any say in how I raise him.” She again looked down at my clothes. “You can’t even keep him clean.”
Mom lurched forward and grabbed my right arm, her nails instantly digging into the softer flesh on the inside. She yanked me to her side and began to take me down the back side of the park, the way she had come. I didn’t fight or try to pull away. As she began to rant about how she had looked all over for me, even at the pool, and how she was gonna teach me some manners and how to not be a dirty pig when we got home, I glanced shamefully over my shoulder.
I saw Maudra take a step forward, like she was going to come to my rescue. Sue put out her hand and shook her head sadly. Another jerk on my arm, and I turned my eyes back to the sidewalk that led out of the park.
Ten
I tracedthe wrinkled grooves on my fingers with my thumb, closing my eyes and simply focusing on the wet ridges under the water. It had gotten cold long ago, but it seemed like too much effort to drain the water and fill it again. Two baths in two days. Who was I? Soon, if I kept this up, I would have to invest in lavender bubble bath and rose petal oil. No matter how long I sat in the water, I couldn’t manage to feel unsoiled. It was a far cry from my typical five-minute shower that I used to take every morning. For some reason, though, I found this new ritual soothing. I should have started it earlier, when I lived in Colorado where water was so much cleaner and softer. Here, the water had stained the tub with yellowish-brown streaks.
Donnie had brought me back to Maudra’s house after the park. I hadn’t been in the mood to see any more of the town. I had originally hoped to go see Donnie’s family for dinner, but I doubted that I would. Sitting here seemed like enough exertion. In his typical style, Donnie hadn’t asked any questions. Although he probably didn’t need to. Just pick any random spot in town, and there was a pretty good chance that anyone could conjure up at least one embarrassing scene or another created by my mother.
I couldn’t believe how much I was letting her affect me. I hadn’t seen or talked to her in years. I should be over it by now. I wasn’t that little boy anymore. I didn’t need her acceptance or kindness, much less her approval. I had a husband and amazing in-laws who had accepted me as one of their own. I had broken free. I had moved away. I had claimed my freedom.
And now I was back. How was I going to do this? I knew she needed me. I knew there wasn’t really another option. Maybe I should just get it over with and go see her now. Surely continuing to worry and stress over our reunion would only serve to make it worse. It’s not as if just by seeing me she could force me back into childhood, back into making this town my home again. Home again. The thought sent a new wave of desperation through me. It wasn’t as if Denver could ever be my home again either. That door was closed. If truth be told, I knew that facing my mother would be easier than staying in Denver, having to face people there. I hadn’t been able to feel unsoiled there either. As much as I might try to portray that I had come here out of the need to be a dutiful son, I knew I had come here more for refuge than anything else. El Dorado, home, a refuge. What a thought.
The knock on the door startled me and caused me to jump, sloshing water over the edge onto the mauve-carpeted floor. I heard Maudra chuckle. “You plannin’ on sittin’ there for the rest of the evening? If ya want, I kin shove some toast under the door.”
I grabbed the towel off the floor, just in case Maudra decided to barge on in. “No, Maudra. I will be out shortly. Sorry, I didn’t mean on staying in here so long.”
“It’s not a problem. I jist wanted to check. If you had drowned, then I figured I needed to call somebody. Yer a little stocky for me to lift or move all on my own, ’specially being all soakin’ wet.”
I smiled. “Now I wouldn’t want to be the cause of you hurting your back. I’ll be right out.” After a few long moments, I let the towel fall back to the floor and settled back into the tepid water, my eyes closing.
“Brooke?” Maudra’s tentative voice caused me to jump again.
“Good God, Maudra. If you don’t stop scaring me, you really are gonna have a dead man in your bathtub.”
Her voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear it. “Brooke, I know it ain’t my place, but I was just wonderin’ if I could ask a question?”
