Maudra continued. “Ray was gay too, and he couldn’t even burn toast. I learned how to recognize others from bein’ ’round him, I suppose.” She reached down and scooped up Thurston and returned him to her lap. “Plus, he told me that you were gay, or at least you were gonna be, if ya didn’t get married first. A plenty of ’em here in town do that, you know. They don’t think anybody realizes, but I do. Ray did too.”
It was like my entire childhood had morphed into something I didn’t even recognize. All the years agonizing over someone finding out. Doing my best to cover my feelings. Never letting my gaze linger too long on the other boys. Feeling like I was all alone and could never tell anyone. Now to find out that my cousin and Maudra had known all along, and Ray, a man I’d never even spoken to. How many others had known my secret? I thought I had done such a convincing job.
“You okay, Brooke?” Donnie was inspecting me, concerned.
“Ah,yeah, sure.” I cleared my throat. “That was just a lot of information all at once. Not really sure what to do with it.”
“Well, how ’bout you tell why this husband a yers ain’t here when you need ’im!”
“Maudra! Seriously! Cut it out!” Donnie growled.
“No, it’s okay.” I looked at them both, seeing them completely differently than I ever had before. Why hadn’t they ever said anything? “My husband’s name is Jed. He’s a great man. I guess we aren’t really married. It’s not legal or anything, you know. But the ceremony was six years ago. We were together about a year before that, a little less.”
Maudra and Donnie exchanged looks. I kept going. “Don’t worry, Maudra. He’d be here if he could. All of this happened so suddenly. Jed’s a college professor. He had already committed to several classes this semester and didn’t feel right about leaving them in a bind. He’s gonna move down here at Christmas when the semester is over.” I looked at Maudra once again. “We’re going to get an apartment. Don’t worry.”
Maudra guffawed. “Why the hell would ya do somethin’ as stupid as that? You know good ’n’ well all the apartments in this town are crap. Why ain’t you stayin’ here?”
“We didn’t want to put you out. And I didn’t want to ask you to have to have gay people in your home.”
Maudra glowered at me severely, almost angrily. “Now you listen here, Brooklyn Morrison. That’s about the most insultin’ thing I’ve heard in a good while. Like there’s somethin’ you could tell me that would make me not welcome you in my home. Gay brother or not! Youand Jed are gonna live here till y’all get everythin’ figgered out and decide what you gonna do. You hear me?”
Nine
“You’vegotta slam it.” Donnie gestured with his chin.
I swung the truck’s door wide and brought it back with a crash. It sounded like it was going to fall off any second.
“There ya go! That’s the way to use those muscles God gave ya!” Donnie grinned. With a deafening roar, the engine came to life, and the truck lurched forward.
I reached over to put on my seatbelt. When I didn’t feel anything, I turned my head to help me locate the strap. There wasn’t one.
“Wow, you really have become a city boy.” Donnie smacked my leg. “You’re back home now, boy. Time to get reconnected with your country roots.” To prove his point, he cranked the radio on and a wailing of fiddles and steel guitars filled the cab.
I glanced at the dial. “Ninety-six point nine, the Kow. Wow, haven’t thought about that station in forever. Country music stations in Denver just aren’t the same.” I sat back into the cracked cushion of the seat, feeling somewhat naked and uneasy without the seatbelt snug across my chest.
“So.” Donnie glanced at me again. “Where to? Where you wanna go first? Ready to see your mom?”
“No!” My voice was too loud, too urgent. I forced it to be quieter and more at ease. “No. I don’t think I’m ready to visit her yet. It’s enough just being here. I might need more than a breakfast of chocolate cake to get me ready for that reunion.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured. So, where to?” He turned the truck left onto Jackson Street. Soon we’d be driving past the town’s swimming pool. I had spent nearly every waking moment of my summers in that pool. Donnie and I had once seen Shauna, one of our older cousins and the high school slut, and her football star boyfriend, Chris Geller, slip their hands into each other’s swimsuits as they clung together in the deep end of the pool. Donnie and I had returned to the surface, whipped off our goggles, and burst out laughing. I had often wished we would’ve stayed under longer. I wanted to see what Shauna’s hand had been holding on to.
“Let’s just drive, okay? You decide where.”
“You got it. Just let me know if something hits your fancy.” His eyes passed over me yet again. “Where’d you get those scars?” He motioned with his chin toward my arm propped up on the windowsill. “They don’t look that old.”
I dropped my arm to my lap without answering.
He didn’t press the issue. We moved into silence, and Donnie drove over the wet streets. It was one of the many things I had always loved about Donnie. He didn’t always have to be saying something. He was able to know when people were more comfortable being inside their own minds. He never pushed or had an agenda. It seemed that hadn’t changed over the years.
I’m not sure how much time passed as Donnie drove, neither of us saying a word. I entered a trance and lost myself to discovering the town again, now with an adult’s eyes. Everything seemed smaller. Everything seemed more broken-down. Maybe not broken-down, but used and tired. I’d never noticed all the houses with mostof the paint chipping off or walls patched with colors completely different than the original hue.
The rain had stopped, but the world was still wet, glistening. The day was gray and somewhat misty, but still bright. Somehow the weather, the wetness, and the warm colors of fall made the worn-out aspects of the town forgivable, and in some ways, rather quaint and picturesque.
The richness of the Ozarks was evident. Even in fall when things began to die and get ready for hibernation, everything was lush. Moss was green and yellow over rocks and on some of the trunks of the trees. Squirrels frolicked from tree to tree. Random dogs chased and played with each other. People had never been too concerned about keeping their dogs locked up. The pound didn’t really seem to think it was a problem either, at least until one of the mongrels would decide to break their monotony with an excursion into someone’s chicken coop.
Part of me resented having to admit to the beauty around me. I didn’t want to find any pleasure here. I didn’t want to remember good things from this place. I didn’t want any sense of fondness to creep into me and make me feel comfortable.
Donnie seemed to be somewhat intentional in the places he chose to drive. I soon noticed that he stayed away from places that had been pivotal in our childhood. We didn’t drive by my mom’s house, the church, or his folks’ home. I appreciated the gesture. Even so, every place we drove by seemed to force some memory into my mind. Memories I never would have figured would still be inside of me, let alone be so vibrant. We drove by the public school we’d attended from preschool all the way through graduation. Of all places, other than church, it hadthe widest range in memories. Some were comforting and reminiscent of flashes of childhood innocence and wonder; others still had the power to make my stomach drop and my breath go shallow from the flashes of fear and shame I’d endured.
