There were no delusions. I knew Flesser had no such feelings for me. I still could not understand why he chose to continue to have sex with me. I knew I was nothing more to him than a vile servant he could take if he demanded. There would have been little difference.
Yet, I was in love.
Flesser only loved the face I should have had. He couldn’t look at my true countenance with any less abhorrence than upon rotting fruit.
Yet, I was in love.
And that, more than a fairy arrow piercing a harmless deer, was what consumed my every waking moment.
I had fallen in love with Flesser, but it was not that emotion that beat through my heart and mind in an endless rhythm. At least not what sounded the loudest.
Disgust raged within me. Of all I had become, of all I had endured, this aspect was my true damnable crime. The past years had made me strong, fortified me in steel. At least that was what I’d believed.
It was agonizing to discover it wasn’t so. I was weak. I was pathetic. I was pitiable. I was in love.
It hurt more than the feather being ripped from my wings.
More than my castration.
More than my downfall.
I was in love. I was in love and was a fool. And I knew it.
The sun was less than an hour from its death on one such day as I began my way back to the royal boundaries. A rustling in the leaves ahead caught my attention. Stepping closer, the smell of blood reached me before my eyes made out the shape of the animal camouflaged in the reddish-brown leaves. The creature gave another shuddering lurch, brushing away some of the debris. A groan escaped me as I leaned down to pick it up. The small screech owl rolled its head, its eyes never focusing on me. Every feather had been plucked from its small rounded wings. The bones in its left wing were broken in multiple places, causing it to stick out in unnatural angles. It took a moment longer to understand why I smelled blood. Carefully inspecting the tiny creature, I realized both of its feet had been sliced off.
A cry escaped its twisted beak. The sound cut through me.
I hated humans. While I could never condone killing another creature for nourishment, I understood it was the natural way for many living things. But this was something different. Something evil. Wasteful. Cruel.
There were few times I’d wished to have greater magic. I’d had little cause to need more. However, my power could do little for the owl. I could heal wounds; I could not regrow limbs. Even if I stopped the bleeding, an owl without legs had no other fate than starvation, or to become a meal for the next carnivore that wandered by.
Without another second’s hesitation, I enfolded the bird in both my hands, willing its fluttering heart to cease. Instantly the life was gone from the owl, as well as the pain.
Sickened to the core, I knelt once again to rest the owl in the leaves. It would still become something’s nourishment, but at least it would have no awareness. I started to stand, then paused. The two naked protrusions from the owl’s back made it impossible for me to leave.
Was this what Flesser saw as he looked at me naked?
Pointless as it was to the creature, I covered it in my hands once more. After several moments, I withdrew. Though one wing was still misshapen, feathers fanned out from the small body. I could not provide legs, life, or even flight, but I could give the owl back its dignity.
After standing once more, I continued on my way to the only place I’d ever considered home. I only paused once, looking back at the new feathers. The desire to give myself the same gift washed over me with more power than I’d experienced in the past eight years. I could leave. Just fly away. Whether I lived as a fugitive for a day or a decade, at least I would be free.
Flesser’s face emerged from behind my eyes, the thought of leaving him causing my chest to constrict in pain, closely followed by shame.
Even so, it wasn’t Flesser who caused me to look away from the newly winged owl and continue on my destiny.
Xenith—I would never leave him.
Six
The night was starless, the trees blending together in one massive black fortress. I had wandered the forest at all times of day throughout my childhood, never needing protection. Nothing in nature would harm a fairy, save for humans, but that wasn’t a risk, not here. Even as the disgrace I’d become, I’d had nothing to fear—at least nothing greater than what I’d experienced the night of my transition.
For the first time in my life, however, fear licked the inside of my veins as I made my way through the forest. The sensation was so unusual it took a while to identify it. I felt the need to run. Rush back to my dwelling as quickly as possible. I shoved the impulse away but cloaked myself in invisibility nonetheless. Even that didn’t help. Whatever was triggering my fear wouldn’t be dissuaded by magic.
By the time I reached the place where I’d left the mutilated owl, my skin was coated in a sheen of sweat. I’d not been able to get the tiny creature out of my mind. Sleep wouldn’t come. The image of its stripped wings bashed against my mind, despite my effort to repair the damage.
Part of me hoped it would be gone, carried off by a fox or weasel. Even in the darkness, however, the light brown of its wings were visible against the dead leaves. Without pause, I scooped up the stiff carcass and held it protectively against my chest. When I did run, I was unable to keep my feet from increasing their speed. Even the featherless talons on my back beat as if they could allow me to fly to safety.
I made it back to my dwelling without incident or discovery. Stooping to duck into the earthen doorway, I finally managed to slow my pace and command my heart to calm. Despite the loneliness the small damp cavern had brought when I was banished to sleep outside the royal quarters so many years earlier, it had become my one safe haven. At least as close as any place could be. There was no door, and unlike the servants, who were allowed their privacy, I could be used to service here as likely as any other place. Still, if I left the place unlit, I’d discovered I was often overlooked or forgotten during the night.
