“You don’t even live here. What do you know?”
“It’s not like it’s a secret.” She removed her hand. “If you want to spend the rest of your life at a bathhouse, the least you could do is learn to be sneakier so it’s not rubbed in Mom’s and Dad’s faces all the time.”
“Bathhouse?”
A guttural scoff escaped her. “So you’re back to being Mr. Innocent, huh?” I felt her weight leave the bed. “Fine, pretend. At least start helping out with the stores. Even if it doesn’t make you feel better, your family needs you right now.”
Sitting up once more, the covers pooling at my waist, I turned to face her. “Again, Catlin, you’re the last person who should judge. How long were you out of commission when Alice, or whatever her name was, left? Six months? More?”
I swear I could hear her teeth gritting.
“Allison. Don’t pretend you don’t remember her name. And that was different.”
“Different. Really? How? Are lesbians entitled to more grief time than the rest of us?”
“Because we’d been together over five years, you selfish little brat. How long were you and Demon Boy together? Not even enough time for bread to mold. That was barely worthy of being classified as a hookup, let alone a relationship!”
Without even a twitch from me, the door slammed open and Caitlin hurled through. Judging from the sound before the door shut her out, there was a Caitlin-sized hole in the drywall.
Caitlingot what she’d wanted. There was only so long I could lie there and seethe. Not that getting up had changed much. If anything, the motion of moving around only increased my agitation. Even driving wasn’t helping soothe me. I pulled onto the Five, cutting off a Honda Civic in the right lane.
I’d have given anything to have Caitlin’s tirade not echo my own thoughts. I wished I could just dismiss them as my sister being her normal, bitchy self. While that might still be true, it didn’t negate what she’d said.
For weeks after Brett left, I’d been thoroughly heartbroken. Several times a day, I’d have panic attacks where I’d have to teach myself to breathe anew each time. I searched endlessly. For Brett. For the vampire. For any clue at all. The voice allowed me to use every spell I could think of, and still I couldn’t locate him.
Even the nymphs were no help. Only Amalphia showed, and she simply waxed philosophical about choices and the paths our lives take being fluid. Whatever.
Nothing. I’d found nothing. It was like he had vanished.
At first, I’d been consumed by the fear that the vampire had found him and killed him. Then the fear moved to him harming himself. Chances were his demon bloodline made him immortal, but maybe if he were determined enough…
Then the fear turned into anguish. I quit being afraid he was in danger. The truth was he’d left me. Whatever he was facing, whatever nervousness he’d had, it was me he’d left. Me that he deemed not good enough. My family droned on and on and on about how it wasn’t me, it was him. I’m such a great catch. How could he not love me? The problem had to be in him, in the demons he faced. Demons he faced! Demons! Mom actually said that, with no irony at all. Demon. I wasn’t even good enough for a demon. Yeah, yeah. I’m such a great catch. Such a great guy. So sweet. So handsome. So strong and dependable.
He left. The bottom line is he left. Me. He left me. He didn’t want me. That lovely realization hurt me more than the fear that he was dead. That he was out there somewhere, simply happy and relieved to be away from me. I wasn’t sure which I was more ashamed of—that he was glad to be away from me, or that the thought hurt worse than the idea of him being dead.
If I started to forget that, even for a moment, the voice jovially brought it all rushing back.
Anguish turned to anger. Anger. That’s where I’ve stayed. Anger and apathy. The sequel to Jane Austen’sSense and Sensibility.
My family had no idea what to do with me, and rightfully so. I have no idea what to do with myself. I honestly don’t think I’d ever really been angry before. That was Caitlin’s role. I was the anti-Caitlin. Now I make her look like a novice.
What makes me the angriest? Even more than knowing I wasn’t good enough for him, not even good enough for a breakup involving more than ten seconds in the front of my truck before he booked it? That I loved him. Really, truly loved him. Still do. The fool. I love him. And Cate’s right—there is no way I possibly could. We knew each other for eight whole days! Eight! I even know how many hours. I’ve counted. I went from “hello” to “be the father of my children” in eight days. Now, four months later, I’ve let eight pointless days ruin my life. Cate’s right about another thing. I need to grow up. Wish I knew how. How to stop hurting. Stop being angry. Stop being numb. Stop loving someone who threw me away.
I don’t remember talking to myself before Brett, but I do now. I narrate my pathetic life. Have entire, in-depth conversations with myself. Hell, I even have them with Brett. And the voice, of course. Everyone wants me to talk to them, just get it all off my chest.
If I got any more off my chest, it would make vomiting seem subtle.
I slammed the gear into park and was out of the truck before I’d even realized where I was. Didn’t pause when I figured it out, though. Of course this was where I’d end up. This was where I always ended up.
It surprised me they’d concluded I was spending my time in the bathhouse. The thought of Caitlin discussing me at a bathhouse was revolting enough, but my mom too? I wondered which would freak them out the most. Me wasting my life at a bathhouse or here? It’s a pretty safe bet the bathhouse would be the sunnier option.
The voice that greeted me as I entered the Square didn’t even faze me. Sometimes when I walked alone at night in Old Town or did my nightly haunt of Brett’s grandmother’s house, or any other time at all, it bothered me. But not here. The voice was at home here.
Welcome back, sire.The sarcastic sneer no longer caused my hackles to rise.It didn’t take long between visits, did it? What’s wrong now? Your family make you angry? Might have to go back to work? Another boy break your heart?
I passed Gifts without looking in. I knew that witch would be watching. She did every time. She always knew when I was here. Just a few more moments and I’d be able to shut out the voice. I’d been getting better at it. See, Caitlin, I have been doing something productive over the past four months.
Shut me out? Why, that’s just hurtful. And here I am, simply trying to help you become the man you were born to be. Help you to embrace the power inside you. Let your anger start to—
