“Would you like your check, then?”
“Actually, we’d like to stay and chat for a bit before we pay, if that’s all right.”
She nodded at him and walked away. After a moment, Schwint looked back at me. “I’m not really sure what to say exactly. I don’t know if I have an answer that’s going to be as cut-and-dried as you want.”
I managed to pull my hand away this time. My throat tightened, making the words crack. “Like you said, I guess that speaks for itself.” I felt a tear roll down my cheek, and I cursed myself. Both for my weakness and for not being able to play my cards a little closer to the vest.
“Hey, Finn. Don’t cry, okay?”
Angrily, I wiped at the tear. I looked around. Now that I wanted her, our waitress was nowhere to be found. “Let’s just get the check.”
“Hold on.” A touch of frustration tinted his voice. “Give me a minute. I know you’ve had a rough few months, but the past few weeks took me by surprise too. I’m not gonna say everything right, but I’d like the chance to try. You asked the question, give me the opportunity to answer.”
I looked back at him but couldn’t make myself meet his eyes. I nodded.
He was quiet for so long I nearly decided he’d changed his mind about saying anything.
The first few thoughts rushed from him before he paused again. “Listen, I know what you’re wanting me to say. Or at least I think I do. I know you’re struggling with what I have to offer. I know you’re uncomfortable that I use Spor and stuff pretty regularly. I know you wish I could tell you that I want nothing more than a lifelong marriage, picket fence, and could promise I’ll never fuck anybody else. I can’t tell you that. I can’t promise you that.”
When he didn’t continue, I finally met his eyes but quickly looked away. “I’m not asking you to. We’ve only been dating a few weeks.”
“I know you’re not asking me to. At least not in words, but I know that’s what you’re wishing I’d say.”
“I told you I shouldn’t have asked and we should move on. I’m sorry I asked, okay?” More tears made their way down my cheeks, which burned in humiliation and anger. I couldn’t tell if I was angrier at him or at myself.
“You’re wanting me to tell you that I’m in love with you.”
My head jerked up, eyes flashing. “I never said that. You’re just trying—”
He cut me off, his voice as revved up as mine. “You don’t have to say that. It’s written all over you.”
I opened my mouth to retort, but he cut me off again.
“I’ve never told anyone that. I’m not ready to say it to you either. But I’m closer to saying it to you than I’ve been with anyone else.”
His last words had been nearly too quiet to hear, and we just sat, staring at each other.
Finally, he shrugged and looked down at the empty sushi platter.
“I’m not asking you to.”
He continued to not meet my gaze. “I’m pretty sure I’ll say it to you, if you give me time.” His eyes flashed up to mine. “Not tonight. But sometime, I mean.”
I couldn’t suppress a laugh. “I hate that I find your panic a little endearing.”
He ignored the comment. “I think I’ll be able to say… to say that to you someday, but I can’t promise that I’ll ever be able to say that I’ll be monogamous. It’s not in my nature. Not in a fairy’s nature.”
“I don’t know what to do with that.” My throat constricted again, both at the thought of him being with someone else and at the idea of ending things with him before they’d even begun. Although this was the time I should. Before it hurt even worse later.
He rushed on. “I’m not saying that I’m expecting you to be monogamous while I’m free to do stuff with others.”
I stared at him.
“That’s not the point, is it?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to do anything with anyone else. Just you. I want you to want the same thing.”
“I don’t want to do anything with anyone else either.”
