I wasn’t sure if he was saying he was leaving in the moment or not, but I certainly saw the truth in his eyes. I didn’t get unlimited free passes. “Well, you did say people could fuck up what was meant to be.”
“Yep. Sure did.” He nodded, though he refused to look away. “And it seems like we’ve reached one of those bridges. With as big as this is, maybe you deserve to be allowed more time to hide and lick your wounds. And maybe it makes me an ass to expect more. But I do. And it scares me for the future, if you’re going to turn into this when the big things of life happen. And there will be more, Randall. There always is. I won’t spend my life with someone who cowers and hides and refuses to live. It will suck me in and I’ll go down with the ship. And there’s no reason to. There’re life rafts all around. You just have to take one.”
I thought I might cry again. It sure felt like I was going to. Felt like he was cutting out my heart.
It was the first thing I’d felt in days.
“If you’re leaving, why are you packing my things? You’re kicking me out?”
“Of course not. And I’m not leaving you.” He glanced away finally. “Not at this point, anyway.”
His words both gave me sudden hope and cut a bit deeper.
“So you’re saying that you can handle me being a slut and a whore, not having any money, but taking time to hurt is where you draw the line? The part where you walk away?”
Noah looked at me again, anger and hurt staring at me. “Yes. If how you handle pain is going to be to shut down indefinitely, then yes. That is a line I won’t cross. At least not for long. It doesn’t mean I won’t love you for the rest of my life, but I won’t get lost to it myself. And I would, Randall. Whether it means I’m weak or what, I don’t know. I just know that I’m already feeling myself get sucked in. That soon we’ll both be hiding under the covers, wasting away. And I refuse to turn into my mother!”
I almost laughed. “Wow. Freud much?”
He glared at me. “Oh, I’m aware of where this issue comes from for me. For sure. Just like I know you’re clear where your issues come from. Wanna fight them together?”
I almost said yes. Almost. But I still had more venom. For everyone. Him included. “And if I say no, what? You walk away? You leave? For good or just till I get better? Is this the part of the story where the fated lovers spat and break up, only to learn a valuable lesson in time to get back together in the end?”
“You’re acting like a bitch, Randall.” Anger was still there, but Noah looked more like I’d just slapped him.
“I know.”
We glared at each other. Both of us angry. But after a few seconds, I realized what I saw more was him silently pleading with me. Begging me to stay, or come back to him, as the case may be. I was pretty sure he saw the same thing in my eyes.
I couldn’t help but answer him. Maybe I could live without him. I had before. I would again.
But I didn’t want to.
Though it cost me, I twisted and slid to the edge of the bed and stood up. I didn’t know what it cost me; I just knew it hurt. But not as much as lying there and losing him would. “Why the suitcase?”
Noah let his gaze roam over my naked body as I stood in front of him. Not in lust. Just in appraisal. Whatever he thought or decided he saw, I couldn’t tell, and he didn’t share it. Nor did he wrap me up in his strong arms to reward me for getting out of bed.
“I’m taking a couple of days off work, and we are going to spend that time in your favorite place.”
“My favorite place?” I was drawing a complete blank. I didn’t have many favorite places. I did a lot of traveling as a kid, but none as an adult. My massage business wasn’t that profitable, no matter how many great orgasms I provided.
A slight grin played at Noah’s lips, but it faded quickly. “I’d like to make you guess, but I’m afraid you’d crawl back into bed. I found a hotel by Pike Place Market that will let us bring the dogs.”
I laughed. Actually laughed. Though there was absolutely no mirth to be found. “Are you fucking serious?”
Noah just looked at me.
“No, really? You’re asking me to spend a few days in the busiest part of Seattle? Have you lost your mind?”
Noah reached out a hand and took mine.
I hadn’t realized how much I craved his touch. How his skin seemed to bring a sense of safety.
“Maybe I have. In a billion ways. But I have a plan. I don’t want to tell it to you until tomorrow. Tonight let’s go to the hotel, order in room service, and I’ll fill you in on the rest in the morning.”
No. Hell no. No. No. No.
“Randall, please. Let’s get out of here. If I could afford a real vacation, I’d do it. Although I don’t know if that would help. This might.”
