It didn’t feel that way. It felt true.
I had no idea how I was supposed to choose. How to either tell Noah I was caving to my father or tell Dad he could take my family and fuck off.
So I didn’t do either.
Noah went to work. I went nowhere. I had no photo shoots or editing to do. I simply watched the clock. Counting down the literal twenty-four hours. I knew if I waited and called even two minutes late, he wouldn’t listen to a thing I said.
So I watched the clock. Sometimes I tried to figure what options I had, tried to see a way out of this. Mostly I just stared at the clock.
I didn’t make a decision.
And when the second hand clicked one minute past twenty-four hours, I sobbed. Broke down and wept, even more than when I thought Noah was leaving me. Shattered so completely that only Harper stayed by my side while Ron and Andy took shelter somewhere else in the apartment. Eventually she crawled into my lap and let me squeeze her to my chest and rock and sob out Bailey’s name.
Nearly an hour later, Kayla’s text tone rang out from the phone. I grabbed it so hard I accidentally sent it sprawling across the floor. Scrambling after it, nearly trampling Harper in my haste, I snatched it and swiped across the screen.
I understand your choice. I will try to call when I can, though Dustin’s made it clear I’m not supposed to. Love you.
And then I dissolved.
Maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe I did make a choice. By not calling I chose freedom. I chose Noah.
I didn’t think I did. I truly thought I did nothing. I wasn’t sure what the distinction was, but it was there. I could feel it.
Maybe I just wanted it to be there; I was open to that possibility, though I didn’t like the thought. I didn’t want to be the man who chose his boyfriend over a little girl who depended on him. I didn’t want to be the man who put his own selfish desires in life ahead of the one person he loved most in the world.
And I did. I loved Bailey more than anyone else. If the world were on fire, she’d be the one I saved.
And yet. I did nothing.
Nothing.
Noah got home not too long after. He found me curled on the floor in front of the couch, Harper back in my arms.
He took me to bed. Practically carrying me. Then he curled behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me close.
I broke all over again.
AT SOMEpoint, I fell asleep and woke alone. The curtains were down, but it was obviously dark out. The smell of food hit, and then the soft clanking of dishes reached my ears.
And it all rushed back.
I felt like I woke and discovered the world changed.
I slid out of bed and found Harper waiting for me. I scooped her up, lifted her beautifully hideous face to mine, and kissed her. “I have no idea what I’d do without you, girl.”
She snorted, a small spray of snot covering my face.
Wiping myself off with the back of my arm, it hit me why Harper was even in my life. It wasn’t me who wanted her at all. She was there purely and simply because of Bailey.
Another pang.
Another moment where my breath caught and I thought I was going to cry.
More clatter from the kitchen.
Keeping Harper close, I followed the sound, suddenly desperate for food and to see the man behind the stove.
Noah gave me a cautious smile when I walked into the kitchen. “Hey.”
