His gaze searched mine before he launched in again. “Your church did pay my tuition. All of it. About a year before I graduated, I started a relationship with another guy in the program. You can imagine how that worked out. Both of us guilty every time we kissed. Every time we fucked. It was hell. I ended it before graduation. I also ended my relationship with God. Not that there was much left at that point.”
The waitress brought our dinners, and though Noah quit speaking, he didn’t look at her.
Neither did I. Despite the hurt in his voice, and the anger, I couldn’t help but feel hopeful, even though I could see telling his story caused Noah pain.
“To make things even worse, I took a teaching position at the Christian college that was a sister program to my seminary. I taught there for four years. Four years, Randall. Four years teaching about a God I was angry with. A God I didn’t even believe in, at least no more than I had to in order to stay angry with him. And the whole time, I was fucking any guy that moved. At the bathhouses. One of the professors. Even a couple of my older students.”
He quit talking, his breath coming out in heavy pants, like he’d just run a race.
“Did someone out you?”
Noah looked at me in confusion for a second, then shook his head. “No. Nothing like that. There was no drama. I quit. I quit teaching. Quit arguing with God. I got a job at an animal shelter nearby. It felt good to be helping and not proselytizing. It felt good to be normal. To work a regular job that I loved, then go home. Go home and fuck around with any man I wanted and not feel guilty about it. It was great. Lonely but great. I moved back here a couple of years ago to help Mom. Her new husband died too.” He took an angry-sounding breath then. “The only thing I felt guilty about was having your church pay for seminary, considering how it all turned out. I took out loans and paid them back. I don’t owe your church any money. Just the bank.”
He quit talking and looked at me.
We stared at each other. Both searching. Both trying to see the men we’d become instead of the boys we’d known.
I started confessing again before I even thought about it. “Do you know that I also do erotic photography?”
Noah didn’t even flinch at the change in subject. “Yeah. Of course. You can’t go to any of the gay boutiques in Cap Hill without seeing your work. It’s hot. And beautiful.”
“I often fuck around with the guys during those shoots.” Whoa. I really just said that.
He gave a crooked grin. “Hadn’t thought about that, but it makes sense. You’re taking pictures of hot men with hard cocks. I guess it would be more strange if you didn’t do something with them.”
My words tried to catch in my throat, but I wouldn’t let them. “I had another of those shoots a couple of days ago. With a married couple. We’ve played around before.”
This time Noah did take a deep breath before responding. Though his gaze had a new hard gleam to it, he didn’t let go of my hand. I didn’t realize we’d still held on to each other until I expected him to pull away. “Okay. Can’t say that’s fun to hear, but we hadn’t talked about expectations. At least as far as that goes.” He seemed to think for another second or two. “I’m still not running, Randall. I can’t say I want to see the pictures of what you did with them, but whatever you did, you did. And you didn’t betray anything, if that’s what you’re worried I’ll think. We’re just getting started here.”
“I didn’t sleep with them.”
His eyes narrowed. “Then why…?”
“I wanted to.” Guilt.
Fucking guilt. It made no sense. And I hated it. And I hated it even more when part of it did make sense. I’d betrayed Noah. But I hadn’t.
God, I was fucked-up.
Noah smiled. A smile that was both relieved and somewhat lustful. “Of course you wanted to. Who wouldn’t? And even if you did something with them, I’m still not going anywhere.”
“I didn’t.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I wanted to curl up under the table and fall asleep. I was exhausted.
“Noah, I have other things. Things you won’t like. At least I’m pretty sure. I also have—”
He cut me off. “I don’t care, Randall.”
I started to pull my hand away, but he held on fast.
“No, not like that. I don’t care what it is. It’s not going to make me run. And you can tell me some other time. But I’m tired. I don’t want us to do this anymore right now. This is our second date, I’ve dreamed of you for years, and this is not how I pictured it. Though I’m glad we went there. I’m glad to know we’re both still here holding hands. I’m not turning from you. Are you getting ready to run from me?”
The only thing I could manage was to shake my head.
His smile grew. “Good. Then that’s enough. Let’s enjoy this new beginning. Enjoy that we both know we’re not perfect and that we’re both fucking horny men, and not hold that against each other.”
