I don’t deserve to be denied. I’ll deny myself when I want to because it turns me on. But I know I don’t deserve it. I am valued. I am valuable. I am loved. I deserve to be loved.
I can’t say that. Eventhinkingit makes my guts churn and bile creep up the back of my throat. I try to swallow it down as I squeeze my eyes shut, but I can’t block out the image in my mind’s eye of the words on that page — lies, all lies.
I am valued. I am valuable. I am loved. I deserve to be loved.
“Stop it,” I whisper to myself. My voice sounds raw. I turn my back to the door and slide down until I’m sitting on the floor. I hold my hand over my mouth and cry as quietly as I can.
Ran must hear me anyway. I look up to the sound of footsteps on the stairs. He comes into the living room and stops short when he sees me. The sight of his red eyes and blotchy cheeks make me feel guilty.
“I’m sorry,” I tell himas I get to my feet and approach him.
“Goddammit!” The word explodes from his mouth. I take a step back but he suddenly rushes forward and grabs my hands. “Pleasestop apologizing — you say you’re sorry for so many things that aren’t your fault.”
He sighs, and my tear-blurred vision clears enough that I can see shame and sadness in his eyes. “Especially tonight. This was my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed. I shouldn’t have assumed I knew what was in your head. It was presumptuous of me to come up with something like that and just drop it on you. I’m sorry,” he says again.
“And you’re right; maybe I don’t know you anymore. If that’s true, then that’s also my fault. Because I wasn’t a good friend. You’re right about that, too. I abandoned you.”
I snort and pull my hands out of his. “You didn’tabandonme. You grew up and moved on with your life. You’re allowed to do that! I shouldn’t have made you feel bad about it.”
“I deserved it,” he says bluntly. “And I’m still going to feel sorry. But I just —” He breaks off and runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what todo. I hate it when you talk about yourself so negatively!”
He presses his lips into a thin line. “I can’t figure out how to make you see everything that’s wonderful about you.” When his eyes meet mine, the hurt in them lands like a rock in my stomach. “Is it that I don’t show you enough? Or don’t tell you what you need to hear? Because I love you so much.”
I bury my head in my hands. “You’re not doing anything wrong. You always make me feel loved. I’ve never been anybody’s number one before, but you make me feel like I’m somebody special.” I bark out a bitter laugh. “You know, instead of just… myself.”
“Oh, Babydoll… That’s what I’m talking about. It seems like you think you’re not worthy of being treated kindly. Just for a minute, I wish you could see yourself the same way you see everyone else. You’re so open-hearted and emotionally generous witheverybody— except for yourself.”
“Whatever,” I mutter. “Everybody has an inner critic. You do, too. Iknowyou do."
“Well, yeah — an inner critic is one thing. But what’s in your head is more like an inner internet troll. Baby —” He reaches out and puts a tentative hand on my shoulder. “If you treated other people the way you treat yourself, you’d be a grade-A asshole.”
“That’s not true!” I choke out. “I’m not anything special! This is what I mean about you not knowing me anymore. Ran, you don’t get it —you grew up and into somebody who’s so far out of my league it’s not even funny. That’s not going to change no matter how much bullshit you want me to say about myself!”
51
AARYN
Errol shakes his head, tears glittering in his eyes. His breath hitches, breaking his words up into fragments that cut through my heart like shards of glass.
“Look at you,” It comes out as a hoarse whisper. “Goddamn, Ran, I was so thrilled when you came back into my life. I spent that whole ten years when we weren’t in contact just being proud that Iusedto know you. Look at who you’ve become,” he waves a hand up and down my body.
“You’re sexy, you’re sophisticated and you’re so fuckingsmart. And I’m so, so afraid that one day you’re going to wake up, realize all that and want to be with somebody… more like you. Better than me.”
I’m shocked into silence for just a moment before the dam breaks, spilling out all my words in a rush. “You’re right —Ididknow you. And I was theonlyone who knew you. Do you know what that felt like? Do you know what that meant to me?”
My voice starts to catch on the growing lump in my throat. “Everybody else just saw me as a weird, klutzy nerd or just looked straight through me like I didn’t exist. And you didn’t letanybody in! You were impenetrable —a fucking fortress. But you let me in. Me!”
I’m getting too choked up to talk without my words coming out all chopped-up and hiccupy, but I keep talking anyway. “Oh my God —do you have any idea how much that meant to me? ThatIwas the one you trusted, the one you let down your guard for? I felt so special! It was like you’d given me this beautiful gift of yourself.I felt like you weremineand nobody else’s. It made me want to make you happy and keep you safe.”
Fuck. I’m crying again. But I have to get this out. “The selfish part of me is terrified that if you do wake up one morning, look in the mirror and suddenly see just how valuable you are — how strong, how sexy, how capable and all the other things I love about you — you’re going to realize I don’t deserve you at all, and that you could do so much better.”
Errol drops his head in his hands, shaking it hard. “Stop it!” he wails. “You’re wrong! I’d never want anybody else. I swear to God, waking up in the morning, looking at you sleeping next to me —it feels like I won the biggest lottery in the universe, knowing you picked me.”
I shake my head. “No, no —you pickedme. Way back when we were just kids. You didn’t give two shits about anybody else —Iwas the one you let in.”
He huffs out a faint laugh. “Well, you just kept at it, didn’t you? Kept trying to be my friend until…” He shakes his head.
“I wore you down?”
