I feel like the world’s biggest dick. I spent years trying to defend Errol from assholes because I didn’t want to see him cry. And nowI’mthe asshole who made him cry.
“I tried not to come!” His words are fragments in between sobs. “You told me not to, and I just wanted to be good for you. I wanted to besogood for you —wanted to make you proud ofme. I only wanted —” and the rest of his words dissolve into tears again.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I’m fighting to hold back my own tears at this point. I know Errol really,reallygets off on submitting to me. But I didn’t grasp until this exact moment how intense his need to please me and how deep-seated his desire to obey me really are.
Guilt breaks over me like a wave. “Baby, please —I’m sorry,” I choke out. “You weren’t — you couldn’t win. Unless you had said no more or safeword or whatever, I wasn’t going to stop, because I wanted to find out if I could get you to come with your cock in chastity. Iwantedyou to come for me. You did exactly what you were supposed to.”
My thoughts are a tangle of self-recrimination and fear that I’ve fucked up everything beyond repair. “Youaregood, Babydoll. You’resogood. I cherish you more than I can explain. I’m so, so sorry —I never meant to make you feel like a failure. Errol, I swear —I love you way too much to ever want to hurt you.”
“Sorry,” he whispers brokenly.
I reach for the key to the cock cage. “Don’t be sorry, baby. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I say again. I reach between his legs, slide the jockstrap out of the way and unlock him. “Here, let’s get this off of you.” I feel sick thinking that I did this to Errol — that I got too into this game that he clearly wasn’t into.
He pulls in a shaky breath, interrupting my thoughts. “You’re right,” he mumbles. “I don’t deserve to be allowed to wear it.” I watch in confusion as his eyes grow glassy and tears spill onto his cheeks again.
“What… this isn’t…” I trail off, looking down at the device in my hand.
He leans into my shoulder. “I’m sorry I failed,” he whispers. “Tell me if there’s anything I can do to get it back.”
The lightbulb goes on in my head. “What? No! Errol, I’m not taking this off you as apunishment. Oh God, no. I thought… I thought you didn’t want to play like this anymore.”
“I like wearing it for you.” His face is still pressed against my body, muffling his words.
I pull him upright. “But what about you?” My heart aches at the sight of his bright brown eyes, now puffy and red-rimmed. “Take me out of the equation for a minute. What doyouwant, Babydoll?”
His lower lip wobbles before he answers. “I want to be good for you. I like being your good girl more than anything in the world,” he whispers. He darts his eyes away. “And I like the cage, too. I like you edging me, and I like the way you make me wait to come. I wouldn’t even mind coming with it on. But I only want to come when you tell me I can. I like showing you how good I can be.”
“Oh, Babydoll, I’msosorry,” I say, my voice faint from the sensation of feeling like my chest has just been cracked wide-open. “I won’t set you up to fail again. That was my fault —not yours! How about this? If I tell you I don’t want you to come, I’ll never try to push you over the edge again. If you’re getting too close, tell me and I’ll back off. I’ll tell youexactlywhat I want.” I kiss his forehead. “I wasn’t trying to make you be a bad girl. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Will you put it back on, then? Please, I —”
I put a finger over his lips as gently as I can. “Why don’t you get this and yourself cleaned up, OK? We can talk about it in the bedroom.” He gives me a nod, his eyes still red and as wide as I’ve ever seen them.
I’ve never hated myself as much as I do right now.
40
AARYN
Iwait until I hear the shower running before I put my head in my hands. I wonder if everybody who tries this kind of kinky shit feels like they’re doing it all wrong sometimes. It’s mean of me, but I kind of hope they do. Because in spite of what Errol said before about me being a natural, I actually suck at this.
That’s a kick in the ego, but that’s the least of my worries. I’m more preoccupied about what happens if I can’t give Errol what he needs. And I’m scared to death of hurting him again.
I’m sitting up in bed when he comes in, looking abashed. He’s naked except for a towel around his waist, which he hangs over the doorknob a second before he throws himself at me.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs against my chest. He was clutching the cage when he tackled me, but now he lets go of it to wrap his arms around me.
“Stop. Please. I’m the one who should be apologizing,” I tell him. “You’re perfect. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You didn’t either, though,” he says.
I hum in contemplation, stroking his hair. “I kind of did. I feel like I should’ve known, or should’ve thought through that scene better. Or asked if you had any limits like that.”
“But I didn’t know that would upset me until it happened,” he counters. “You’d have to be a mind-readerandbe able to see the future.” He picks his head up to look at me as a tiny smile creeps onto his face. “I know you’re brilliant, but that might even be aboveyourhead.”
“Huh. Maybe right about that.” Whenever Errol praises my intellect, I feel a little bad. His brain might not have the same capacity for calculation as mine, but he’s a lot smarter than he gives himself credit for. Like so many other things that break my heart about him, he just didn’t have anybody in his life who gave enough of a shit to encourage him to push himself or dream big.
“Um —” Errol’s tone is timid. “If you’re not mad, would you put the cage back on me?”
