“What, man? What’s wrong? Talk to me, dude.” My mind is spinning. For so long — years, at this point —I’d been able to escape this. Because the people who gave me coy looks and suggestive touches and sometimes flat-out threw themselves at me hadn’t seen nerd-Aaryn. They’d seen smart, sarcastic, sometimes-funny tech-whiz-Aaryn. But I can’t hide who I am from Errol. He knows the real me: the awkward, self-conscious Aaryn who was so afraid of screwing up he would let it paralyze him.
20
AARYN
“You weren’t doing anything wrong,” he says quietly. “I just thought you might have some experience because you’re kind of a natural at it.”
I just blink at him. How can I be anaturalwhen I don’t even understand where those dark, unhinged impulses came from?
“I’ve seen porn like that before and I think it’s hot, but it scares me,” I confess. “I’ve always been afraid that if I dig deeper, it will make me…” I can feel my face twist into a grimace. “Predatory. Bad. Dangerous.” The last word comes out as a whisper.
I chew on the inside of my lower lip to distract me from the awful squirming sensation in my belly. I’m afraid to look at Errol. When I hear a rustle, I glance up an instant before he lands in my lap. His warmth and weight on top of me are strangely calming.
“Didyoulike it?” I ask. I know Errol said he likes guys being rough and dominant, but it’s hard for me tobelieve.
“Um, yeah. Alot.” His eyes are glowing, those amber flecks in them bright and alive.
“But I wasn’t…” I shake my head. “I wasn’t good to you. I didn’t make you feel good.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he says, his voice quiet.
Something about the hunger in his eyes, the idea of being wanted that fiercely, sends a fluttering sensation into my lower belly. I bring my lips to his without thinking. My dick pulses at the whimper he lets out into my mouth. I sweep it up with my tongue and kiss him more deeply, threading my fingers through his hair.
“I want you to dominate me like you did last night,” he gasps out the moment our mouths are apart. “I would do that again in a heartbeat. Iwantto. I hope you do, too.”
“Really? You want it likethat?And what about… I mean, you don’t want me calling you names like that, right?”
He bites his lip before his face flushes crimson. “That was one of the hottest things about it. The way you were talking to me —calling me a slut, saying you were going to wreck my cunt and then calling me doll while you pulled my hair and blew your load all over my face —Jesus, Ran! I almost came right there. And if you need proof that I’m telling you the truth —”
He grabs my hand and guides it to his crotch. He’s rock-fucking-hard. “Didyoulike it?” he demands. “Or was it just about getting it out of your system about Eliza?”
I take his hand in turn and bring it between my legs so he can feelmyhard dick. “You tell me. This is just from hearing you talk about how hot it got you.”
Errol makes a low, eager sound in his throat. “Is this the kind of stuff you were talking about that day in the moving truck?” I ask cautiously.
“Yeah. I like degradation — that kind of name-calling dirty talk like you were doing last nightreallyturns me on. And I’m not into serious impact play with whips or crops or anything, but I like some pain.”
“How much issome?”
“Slapping, hair-pulling, biting, tugging on my nipple rings —I’m just not into blood or anything.”
I nod, hoping Errol can’t see my relief. “Gotcha.”Whips? Crops? Blood?I’m so out of my element here I don’t even know what to ask next.
A speck of something on my glasses distracts me. I take them off and rub at the lens with the edge of my shirt. When I put them back on, I’m met with Errol’s penetrating gaze. “What, um —what else do you like?” I ask, hoping I don’t sound as apprehensive as I feel.
He takes a deep breath. “Being dehumanized and treated like an object really turns me on.” His swallow bobs in his throat before he adds in a whisper, “I want so badly for you just to use me. Make me your slutty little toy.”
Holy shit. A shiver runs through me before I can stop it. Errol smiles ruefully. “Sorry, did I scare you?”
“No,” I mumble. “Iscared me. Because that sounds really fucking hot.” When I glance up at Errol, the heat in his stare takes me aback.
I feel like a fraud, sitting here just talking about all this shit he’s actuallydone. Should I say something? Maybe it’s better if I don’t remind him how abjectly unqualified I am.
“Do you, um, do this kind of stuff often? Like, go on apps or whatever and ask or look for…” My words trail off as I see Errol’s face fall. He huffs out a hard sigh.
“I haven’t really since the last hookup I had. He —it wasn’t good. I didn’t like what he was into, or how he wanted to treat me.” He drops his eyes. “I don’t really like to think about it.”
“You don’t have to,” I say quickly. “Just tell me what I need to know so I don’t make the same mistake.”
