“I don’t know.” I look down at my hands as I fidget with them in my lap.
“Yes, you do,” he protests. “Just talk to me, Shell. Please.” I can hear a hint of insecurity poking through his tough exterior.
Blinking quickly, I raise my head and tip it back until I’m staring at the peeling fabric on the ceiling of his old pickup. “I never wanted to have this conversation. It hurts,” I admit.
“Well, too bad. Avoiding it seems to be what got us here. You obviously have some things you need to say to me. So, let’s do this.”
I don’t want to, but he’s right. We need this.
“Mikey, I love you. But I need you to back off. I’m an adult, and I can make my own choices.”
My brother shrugs. “So make them. I admit I’m not thrilled you were sneaking around, and maybe I could have handled things differently up there.” He points to Jordan’s window. “But ultimately, it’s your decision. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to make good choices. And it’s only because I don’t want you to have to learn about life the hard way.”
I groan. “Don’t you see? Ididlearn about life the hard way. Mostly because of you. Going to Jordanwasa good decision. He’s done more for me over the past few months than anyone has in a long time.” I sniffle. As much as I’ve tried to avoid this confrontation with my brother, it’s been a long time coming. Avoiding this rift between us hasn’t caused any of my resentment to go away.
Mike’s words are cautious. “I’m trying to understand. If you’re both so happy together, why are you sitting here looking miserable? He looked the same way. Go back upstairs and be with him.”
“You think I don’t want to do that?” I turn to him, my volume higher than I intended. “Of course, I’d rather be up there than sitting here suffering through this conversation. This is exactly why I’ve been dreading having this talk with you. It’s not that simple, though, is it? Because I’m me, and you’re you.”
Mike’s taken aback. “Me? What do I have to do with it?”
“Of course, you! I spend my entire life tiptoeing around your reactions. Why would this be any different?” I toss up my hands. “When you were using, I couldn’t do anything that would set you off or pull focus away from you, because god forbid Momand Dad had to spend a second of their time away from all your bullshit. Then you were clean, but nothing changed for me because I still couldn’t cause any drama. Everyone was worried we might set you off and cause a relapse. So, I got good grades. And I handled our sisters. And I made my own way. I even applied to East Coast schools and moved across the country soyouwould still have family close by.”
I suck in another shaky breath while the truth I’ve been holding finally tumbles out of me. “I did everything for everyone else, even when it pushed me to the breaking point. And not one person noticed or cared. Not until Jordan.”
“Shelley,” Mike says softly, but I ignore him and continue to spill the truth I’ve been holding for too long.
“But Jordan wasyourfriend before he was mine. He cares about you, and he wanted to putyoufirst, just like everyone always does.” It wasn’t a surprise. Jordan is loyal, steady, and supportive. It’s just who he is. Of course he would prioritize his best friend. “Did he tell you he didn’t even want to talk to me at first because he was worried about how you’d react? We both were. Deep down, I knew I couldn’t ever really be with him. You need him more than I do. Plus, he deserves better than me anyway. I’m a mess, obviously,” I confess, motioning to my tear-stained face.
“Shelley,” my brother repeats my name, more assertively. “My issues aren’t your responsibility. They never have been.”
I huff out a sarcastic breath. “Right. Sure.”
“They aren’t. Look, I’m sorry that weight was forced on you. You have no idea how much I wish I could turn back the clock and do it all differently. But I can’t. What Icando is be your big brother now.”
A groan of frustration escapes. “You still don’t get it. That’s exactly the problem! I wish you weren’t involved in this atall. When are you going to stop treating me like a child and have at least a little bit of respect for my autonomy? I’m a whole-ass adult now.”
Mike pinches the bridge of his nose. “Shelley, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t respect you. Youaskedme to come. You calledme, remember?”
I deflate, having no argument for that. “I know.”
Here I am screaming at my brother, but I’m the one who pulled him into this. I’m the one who locked myself out of my apartment. Here we are again, with the truth slapping me in the face. My biggest problem is me.
I need a minute to collect myself before I say, “I’m sorry. I love you. I hope you know that. I’m just…having a hard time right now.”
“I love you, too. I want to be here for you when things get like this,” he says.
“I know. I’ll try to work on being more open to it.”
“Thank you. I’ll try to work on backing off a little. But you’re not alone, Shell.”
I take a shaky breath. “Okay.”
Mike shifts and pulls his phone out of his pocket, glancing at a text.
“I don’t know if you want to hear this right now, but Jordan got the building manager to unlock your apartment. You can go back inside if you want.”
The weight of the day threatens to pull me under. Tilting my head further back against the headrest, I squeeze my eyes shut. “No. Please just drive.”
