“I get that. I feel similarly about my own mom. She wasn’t a bad parent when she was around, she just wasn’t around very much. And speaking of dinners heating up…” I hold up my next wing and touch it to hers in cheers. We each take a bite. As soon as the heat hits my throat, I start coughing. “That one’s way more intense.”
“Yeah, it is.” Her eyes are wide as she agrees, reaching for her glass of milk.
When we’ve made our way through every sauce and washed our hands and faces clean, Shelley turns to me, offering a stick of gum, which I accept. After I take it from her, she touches her fingers to my chest and my entire body rumbles to life at the contact.
“Do you want to take this to the bedroom?” she asks.
After everything we shared tonight, there’s an extra layer of weight to her question. We’ve done plenty of fooling around over the past few weeks, but I have yet to sink inside her. I know Shelley’s still nervous about how her body will react to internal stimulation, but I think we’re both craving the intimacy.
“I do,” I assure her, putting my hands on her waist. “But only if you’re ready.” Her skin is warm under the fabric of her shirt.
I hear her sharp intake of breath. “This is real, isn’t it?” she whispers. I can smell the hint of her cinnamon gum in the air passing between us.
“It’s real,” I confirm. I feel it too. The way I can sense her walk into a room before I see her because the air changes and my body responds. The way I look forward to her messages, and the pang of disappointment that hits hard if we miss even one day of saying goodnight.
“That scares me,” she admits.
“It scares me a little, too. But in a good way.”
My eyes drift down to her soft, full lips, then back to her eyes. There are tears starting to well and threatening to spill over, but she’s smiling. A magnetic force pulls her even closer to me until her chest touches mine and there must be less than half an inch between my mouth and hers.
“Please kiss me,” she whispers so softly that I’d think I imagined it if it weren’t for the fact that we’re standing so close I can feel the air as those words pass through her lips.
I tip my head forward to close the last little bit of distance between us. Her hands find their way up to my neck and pull me in while her lips part to grant me deeper access. She makes a sound somewhere between a hum and a moan, and it awakens the primal part of my brain that will do anything to keep her making those noises for me.
“I really want you, Jordan,” Shelley admits.
“I know,” I tell her, pulling her in for a hug and rubbing my hand on her back, trying to offer some comfort because I can anticipate where her thoughts are going next. I understand that she’s still worried about her body. She’s done such a good job talking about it. “I want you, too. Thank you for trusting me. And if nothing happens tonight, that’s fine, too.”
She backs away, wincing as she inhales a shallow, shaky breath.
“Did I say something wrong?” I only want her to know she can trust me not to push her. “Take a deep breath.” I take a step toward her, but she takes another step back. I can see her mood shifting. Maybe talking about the past really got to her. “Shelley, talk to me. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay, though, Jordan. It’s not. And I’m tired of pretending it is. All I want is to be normal and let these things happen the way they should. I don’t want to need more deep breaths!” She groans and tugs at the hair at her scalp. “I’m sorry.”
“Can you tell me what’s the matter?” I thought I knew, but… “I’m kind of in the dark over here. I thought we were on the same page tonight?”
“We are,” she says. “We just poured our hearts out to each other, and now we want to be intimate, like normal people should. But you’re already expecting my body to fail tonight, and if I’m being honest, so am I. Failure is my default setting this year, and we both know it. I’ve tried so many appointments and medicines. You finally want to be physical with someone, and my body is still broken. Maybe not as much as it was in the beginning. But I don’t want to fail at this with you.”
“Whoa. Slow down. Can you explain what you mean?”
“You’re so good at this. But I’m not. You’re offering me everything I’ve been looking for, but so much is still against us, it’s all because of me, and I can’t do anything about it.” Her arms raise as her volume increases. “My body is broken, and my mind won’t shut up. And after all the appointments and medication, still the best advice anyone can offer is, ‘Remember air exists?!’ There is no amount of deep breathing that will fix it, and it’s not fair.” Her chest heaves as she finishes her speech.
“Hey.” I close the gap she created between us and place my hands on her shoulders. “You’re right about it not being fair. But we’re in this together. You and me.” I wave a hand between us. “And maybe I don’t fully understand what it’s like to be inside your body or your head. But I do know a thing or two about wishing I could get my body to do something it just won’t. Believe me, I know how frustrating that is.”
She shakes me off and steps away again. “It’s not the same. Maybe you can’t throw as hard or as far as you used to, but you can still throw better than most people in the country. This is different than your elbow injury. My reproductive system is going to affect every relationship for the rest of my life.”
Her words sting as I let them sink in. I thought we were on the same page, but maybe we’re not. The idea of her even considering other relationships makes me see red.
I shake my head. “No. It won’t.”
Shelley huffs and rolls her eyes. Then she crosses her arms while she fixes a hard stare on my face. “How exactly do you plan to stop it?”
I stalk toward her, cupping her face in my hands.
“Because I intend to be the only man who touches you from this point forward. I don’t know if we’ll ever get to feel you shatter underneath me again, and I can’t make you any promises about that. But I can damn well promise I’m going to do whatever it takes to be the man you need, inside the bedroom and out of it. And I’ll relish every second of our time together for as long as you let me.”
A shiver runs through her. I can see it in the way her shoulders move and the tiny hairs on her arms stand at attention.
