Shelley is living in my head rent-free, and I need to get her out of there for the sake of my sanity. I figure optional conditioning is as good as any other place to try to clear my thoughts. But my efforts are in vain, because the last conversation we had is still playing on a loop in my mind as I finish with the leg press and move to the weight bench. I’m sure I could’ve handled it better when she tried to talk to me, but I don’t know how.
And if I’m being honest, this funk I’m in isn’t only about her.
I rack the weights and sit on the bench, running a towel over my face. I lift my chin at Robin, who’s been keeping an eye on my set from across the room, probably worried I’m going to counteract all the hard work she’s been doing on my elbow.
She comes toward me. “Everything cool with you, Jordan? Seems like you’re deep in your own head again today.”
I nod, tossing the towel into the laundry basket against the wall. “Yeah. Sure. I’m fine.”
She puts her hands on her hips and purses her lips, making her patentedDo you expect me to believe that?face. I guess if there’s someone here who might be able to relate to at least part of my dilemma, it’s Robin.
Scanning the room to make sure no one is paying attention to us, I lower my voice. “Can I ask you something personal?”
“You can ask. Doesn’t guarantee I’ll answer. But go ahead.”
I’m not sure how to approach this, but I guess the best way is to take a breath and say it. “Have you always known you’re into women?”
She runs her tongue over her teeth and takes a second before responding cautiously. “Yes. Why do you ask?”
I close my eyes and try to lean into the truth. “Because I’m almost thirty, and my own preferences are still not something I have a solid grasp of. I never spent a lot of time thinking about it before, if I’m being honest. I just went with whatever felt right at the time. But lately it’s on my mind a lot, and me not understanding myself is starting to affect other people. Maybe that sounds ridiculous.” I shrug.
“It doesn’t,” Robin assures me, shaking her head. “As far as the age thing, there’s no correct timeline for when people can decide to embrace their identity. Maybe you’re just growing up?”
“There’s this girl,” I admit.
“Woman, I should hope,” Robin corrects, and I nod.
“Yes. There’s a woman. I like her. A lot. And we’ve been talking about, well, everything. Except when I tried to tell her about this, I’m not sure I explained it well.”
“What did you say to her?”
“That I think I’m probably demi. She understood that. But I’ve never thought I needed to give it a label, you know? And now… there are still a lot of questions even I don’t know how to answer.”
“Is she pressuring you to label yourself?”
“Not at all. But we did have a long talk about it. Now I feel almost, I don’t know, disingenuous, maybe? I know I’m giving her a lot of mixed messages. She ended our last conversation kind of abruptly.” I keep blaming my friendship with her brother, and it’s true that I don’t think Mike would be thrilled at the thought of me hooking up with his sister. But it’s also not fair to any of us that I’m using him as an excuse to push Shelley away.
I roll my head back, staring up at the ceiling. “I know I’m holding back because I don’t actually know who I am or what I should do. The demi label does fit the best, I guess, but nothing I’ve read about any label feels like it fits me one hundred percent, so how should I know?”
I totally understand why Shelley has been going to doctors and looking for answers about her body. Not having them can drive a person crazy. When I pause, Robin stays quiet until I go on. “Yet, I’m the only one whocanknow. And I can tell myself it doesn’t matter, but it does. If I don’t even have the language to explain how my own mind and body work, then how am I ever supposed to build something worth having with another person? I don’t know if I have it in me to be a good partner. I’ve never had a serious adult relationship. And that’s incredibly depressing. Does that make sense?”
Robin lets out a slow breath and sits down next to me on the narrow weight bench, both of us looking straight ahead, into the mirror on the wall. “Wow. You really did have a lot on your mind, huh?”
“Yep.”
“And you really like her, don’t you?”
I sigh. “Yeah. I really do. But…” I turn up my palms and shake my head, unsure where to go from here.
Our eyes connect in the mirror, and Robin’s track pants make a swishing sound as she scoots closer to wrap an arm around my back. “It makes plenty of sense, Jordan. I can’t answer those questions for you, but I can tell you this: You aren’t alone, and you’re right on time. I’m here anytime you want to talk about it, but you’re right. You’re the only person who can figure out what works for you. And it might take a while before you find the words that fit. But can I tell you something else?”
“Please.”
“It can be a lot of fun making those discoveries with someone else.” Robin winks into the mirror, and it makes me chuckle and lightens the mood. She nudges me. “It sounds like you’ve found someone you feel comfortable with who wants to know you on a deeper level. In my book, that’s a good thing. Romantically or not, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Maybe younger Jordan wasn’t wrong. It’s okay to do what feels right here.”
I nod. “Thanks, Rob. I needed to hear that.”
“Anytime. I can also promise you that any person on this team can vouch for the fact that you’re an excellent teammate. You have nothing to worry about there. If you decide you want a relationship with this woman, then I’m pretty confident you’re going to do everything humanly possible to rock her world.” That makes me smile. “Finish up and go get some rest. But I want more ice on that elbow as soon as you’re done in here, yeah?”
