“You know, it’s a little unfair that you know so much about my sex life and I now know more about Honey’s love life than I do about yours,” Shelley tries to joke, but there’s too much truth in it, so neither of us laughs.
I swallow another sip of cider and take a long pause before I ask, “What do you want to know?”
She takes a moment to think before she says, “I feel like since we’ve spent so much time talking about me, it’s only fair for you to have to tell me something personal and embarrassing. First kiss?”
“It was with a girl I dated in high school. Her name was Tiffany. We were together for a while. She was my first for a lot of things, actually, including my first heartbreak.”
“Okay, cheater. That’s much more endearing than embarrassing.”
“You only asked about my first kiss. If I tell you I can still recite every line in the movieIt Takes Twobecause it was her favorite, and I watched it every day for a week after she dumped me, will that help?”
Shelley lets out a small laugh and reaches out to squeeze my hand lightly. “A little, but it’s also incredibly sweet, so the embarrassment scales of justice are still very unbalanced here."
“What if I told you you’re still in my phone as Sea Shell because I saw a photo on social media of you dressed as a mermaid last Halloween?”
“Interesting. But no, that doesn’t cut it. We’re going to need to break out the big questions, I’m afraid. Like…what kind of porn do you watch? And not to kink shame, but after that last confession, please don’t say mermaids.”
I shrug. “I don’t.”
She rolls her eyes at me. Hard. “Come on. You don’t want to tell me specifics, that’s fine. But you’re a single guy in your twenties. Don’t expect me to believe you never watch it.”
“Do you really want to talk about this?”
“I mean, yeah, I kind of do want to talk about these things. But we don’t have to if I’m making you uncomfortable,” she assures me.
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I’ve seen it,” I admit. “Porn just doesn’t do anything for me. Yeah, I guess I might be in the minority, but I wouldn’t know. It’s not like we talk about our porn preferences in the locker room or at poker night. Most people tend to keep those things to themselves.” I shoot her a look and raise my eyebrows. The blush that paints her cheeks pink makes me smirk. “My friends and I don’t sit around having philosophical conversations about our sexuality, or lack thereof, on a regular basis.”
“Believe me, I know. That’s why I asked if I could talk to you in the first place. It’s not like I can dig deep and figure this stuff out with a guy I just met on an app.” She looks down at her hands and starts twirling a hair tie she has around her wrist.
“Is that how you usually find people?”
She snaps the elastic gently against her skin. “I’ve had my fair share of first dates, but they never go anywhere. Starting law school and making a cross-country move doesn’t leave a lot of time for building relationships. Between that and the fact that I’ve been seeing all these doctors.” She heaves a long sigh. “You probably think I’m –”
“No. Whatever you’re about to say, I don’t,” I assure her.
“What did you mean ‘lack thereof?’” She steers the conversation back to me.
I shrug again. “Some of us just aren’t wired the same way most people are. Or are confused about…things.”
“Wait.” Shelley sits up straight and faces me fully. “Is this you coming out to me, Jordan?”
Am I? I weigh her question, and Shelley waits, eyes locked on my face, until I speak again.
“Maybe? I honestly don’t know. And I know that sounds stupid. It doesn’t really feel like an epic announcement. This is exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t know how to have this conversation.” I blow out a breath and rub both hands over my jaw.
She reaches out and takes one of my hands between both of hers. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. I’m sorry if I pushed you. I only wanted you to know this friendship goes both ways, and I’m here to listen, too.”
“You didn’t push. It’s not a big deal.”
She doesn’t argue, but her nose pinches like she doesn’t quite believe that, so I try to explain.
“It hardly feels like a coming-out story to announce that I’m only sometimes attracted to people. I know it’s not exactly typical, but am I allowed to call myself queer just because I rarely care about sex?”
“Are you asking me or yourself? Because I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer, but I think you get to call yourself whatever you want.”
