“Once,” I retort as I involuntarily clutch Grayce, “and that was right after she was born when she didn’t move around so much.”
“You’ll be fine,” Maddie drawls and turns on her heel to walk away.
My hands feel like clubs, clumsy and uncertain.I don’t have any experience with babies and the one time I held Grayce not long after she was born was so damn awkward, I swore I’d never do it again.Gray never pushed it on any of my visits, and I certainly didn’t ask.We were both content to let me peer down at her and sometimes let her clutch one of my fingers.
Grayce looks up at me with wide eyes, drool glistening on her chin.My stomach knots.What if she cries?Or God forbid, throws up?I hold her away from me, her brown eyes that look just like Gray’s staring at me inquisitively.I stare right back, willing Maddie to hurry the hell up.
I crane my neck, looking down the hall.What’s taking her so long?
Panic claws at my gut.I shift my arms, terrified I’ll drop her, but Grayce just warbles happily.She reaches her pudgy little fingers to clutch at the laces on my hoodie, her face scrunched up in concentration.Then her gaze comes to me and she looks at me so solemnly, I think she might be trying to communicate.Grayce blows a bubble and says something that I think might be “Da.”
Is she sayingdad?Does she know Gray is gone?Does she even know he was sick?I have no clue what part Grayce played in her father’s last days.I want to ask Maddie all these questions, but I’m not sure she’d be keen to answer them, especially since I’m averse to even holding the kid.
After a few moments, my shoulders relax because Grayce doesn’t do anything too shifty.She’s a lot heavier than the last time I held her, which has me adjusting her to rest on my forearm.Warmer too.A living piece of Gray and weirdly, that eases the pain a little.
“Who’s a sweet baby?”I murmur, more to myself.“Who fell out of the sweet tree and hit every branch on the way down?”
She babbles and grins, and… it makes me smile.
I think of Gray—how he stepped up to fatherhood.A one-night stand resulted in a pregnancy, and while he and Grayce’s mother never did make a go at a relationship, he was involved every step of the way.They agreed on shared custody and child support, and Gray was so excited to become a dad.But then Grayce’s mom died giving birth and his world was turned upside down.The man never complained, never made excuses.He just became a dad and was fucking excellent at it.Better than I ever could have been, and I made sure to let him know I was proud of him.
“I’ll make sure you know how great your pop was,” I whisper, brushing a fingertip over her tiny hand.“He was the absolute best.”
Maddie reappears, holding a single envelope.She pauses in the doorway, smirking faintly at my stiff posture.“Want to trade?Letter for the baby?”
“Please,” I mutter, more desperate than I’d like to admit.
She takes Grayce from me, and I accept the envelope, its weight suddenly far heavier than the baby.“Do you know what it says?”I ask as I sit down on one of the chairs.
Maddie shakes her head as she perches on the edge of the couch.“I only know he wanted you and me to be together when we read it, and he wanted us to read it as soon as possible.”
“Probably to tell us to be nice to each other,” I grumble.
“Which wouldn’t be necessary if you weren’t such a jerk most of the time,” she retorts, and I don’t know if she’s joking.“Go ahead and read it.”
I slide a finger under the flap to break the seal, unfold the paper inside, and see that it’s a letter written in Gray’s penmanship.I clear my throat.
Dear Atlas and Maddie,
If you’re reading this, I’m no longer with you, and I imagine both of you are staring morosely at each other, not sure what to do.I won’t waste time telling you I’m in a better place, because I have no clue what happens after you die.The only thing I can speak to with any surety is my unwavering faith in the two of you to continue without me.I want you to know in the end, I wasn’t scared.
My throat clogs, an unrealized fear taking hold.To know he wasn’t scared is a balm, but I experience a rush of fear over my own mortality.I’ve never given it much thought until this very moment.I shake off the doom and continue.
You are both my best friends.A man could not have been luckier than to have you both in my corner, through all the good times and in the end, the bad.
Atlas… you’ve been my wingman since we were five.You weren’t just a friend, you were my brother.And Maddie… you were the sister I never had, and my only sadness is that I wish I’d known you longer.
Maddie, I know you’ve already agreed to take Grayce—
My head jerks up and I look at Maddie.I had no idea that was going to happen, but then again, I never asked those questions.It makes sense though.Gray has no family and Grayce’s mother’s family hasn’t shown much interest in the baby.
Maddie stares back at me resolutely, then nods down to the letter in my hands, so I continue reading out loud.
I don’t need to say how much that means to me, knowing that Grayce will grow up under your loving touch.You’re going to make the most amazing mother, and I hope Grayce turns out to be just like you.
But you can’t do it alone.No offense, but Grayce needs more than one person trying to fill in for me.She needs every ounce of love and support she can get.Which is where you come in, Atlas.
My stomach pitches and I glance over at Maddie to see her eyes nearly bugged out of her head.She had no clue.
