I glance over at him, note that he’s alone and now has a bag of ice on his shoulder.He’s sitting on the edge of his table, holding the ice in place.“You can barely download an app without texting the group for help.Which is ironic, seeing as how you live on TikTok.But no way you’re hacking me.”
“Facts,” he admits cheerfully.“But don’t dodge.What’s going on?”
I hadn’t realized I was putting off any particular vibes.In fact, I’d been patting myself on the back all day for concentrating solely on hockey.
But no sense in denying it.I’m not ashamed my head’s a bit fucked up and Lucky’s my closest mate.He’s the man who talked me through the biggest decision of my life with Grayce.
So, I give him the one word that I know will explain it all.“Maddie.”
Lucky’s eyebrows go up.“She okay?”
“She’s… good.”The word lands wrong because it’s both true and not enough.“We—” I scrub a hand over my face.I’m not coy by nature, but I glance around and see we’re pretty much alone right now.My eyes land on him without a flinch.“We’re sleeping together.”
Lucky’s eyes almost pop out of his head.“Wow.”
“Yeah, wow,” I mutter.
“How was—”
“Stop,” I cut in, half laughing despite myself.“I’m not giving you a scouting report.”
“You’re no fun.But congrats, man.I’m not surprised, given that you’re practically a ready-made family now.”
“It’s a little less relationship and a little more hookup,” I say.
Lucky goes still.“Her rules or yours?”
“Hers.”I find a cracked tile on the wall and count the fractures like hash marks.“She was clear.No relationship, no promises, no… staying.”The last word tastes stupid.
It’s stupid how much it matters.
“Oof.”Lucky’s humor thins into sympathy.“And you agreed?”
“I agreed because I wantedsomething.”I don’t try to hide it.“Because if I push for more, she’ll bolt.And because I thought I could handle it.Be patient and let it be what it is.”
“And now?”
“And now I’m furious at how much more I want.”The admission is both relief and humiliation.“Not just because of Grayce.That’s part of it, yeah.But even if there weren’t any diapers, any appointments, any guardianship folders… I’d still want Maddie.”
Lucky studies me.“Spell it out.Tell me why.”
“She’s steady,” I say, the very first thing that comes to mind when I think of her.“When Grayce is screeching and the house is a disaster, she radiates this calm that makes me feel better.She’s funny without trying.She has this dry little aside that always lands two seconds after you think the conversation is over and then you’re snort-laughing.Our banter is off the hook.She blushes when I push—pissed and pink at the same time—and I live for it.”
Lucky is a captive listener, so I keep going because there’s so much more.“She’s relentless with forms and calls and those little middle-of-the-day fires that keep a life from going sideways.She alphabetized the spice drawer by regional influence for no reason but also because she knew at some point, I’d be making soup at midnight and I’d need chili powder fast.”My mouth twitches.“She sings like an angel but gets embarrassed if I overhear her.She keeps lists of everything and makes tiny check marks in the margins when she finishes a task.She said it makes her feel accomplished.Tucks Grayce’s socks into pairs like she’s tidying a small army.And when she blushes, I love teasing her about it because she blushes more.And when… she’s with me?”The air shivers in my lungs.“I can’t see anything else.”
Lucky doesn’t speak for a second.“You sound like you wrote that with a pen you keep in your chest.”
“Maybe I did,” I say.
“Okay.Here’s the problem.You want the whole meal and she’s offering appetizers.”
“You’re a fucking poet.”My laugh is a short exhale.“And I’m starving.”
“Exactly.”He turns his head my way.“So you got two choices.Either pretend you’re not hungry and end up resenting her or tell her you’re hungry and risk her bolting.You can’t hover between, because that middle ground?It’s where knees and hearts go to die.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“Me either,” he says with a grin.“But I stand by the precept you can’t hover in the middle forever.You will get resentful.”
