She ran and I grabbed for her just too late. By the time I caught up with her, she was already roaring off in her car.
56
LOUISE
It had startedto rain—one of those chill, torrential downpours that makes your windshield run as if someone’s pouring from a bucket on the roof. But my tears were doing just as much to blur things, big wracking sobs jolting their way up from my guts to escape as scalding streams.
I wanted to go back. Right back to Dr. Huxler’s office, when he’d said this would bea very difficult conversation. I wanted to go back and I wanted to be a fucking adult this time. I wanted to grow up and make the hard choice, accept Kayley’s death andbe with herinstead of going on some stupid crusade to try to save her. We could have been together all day, every day. I could have gotten a loan from Murray and used it to take her on vacation instead of wasting it on fucking fertilizer and grow lights. She could havelivedthese last six months, instead of just surviving.
But I’d been too fucking selfish. I’d wanted a whole lifetime with her and so I’d squandered her last six months.
I pulled up outside our apartment building and ran all the way up to our floor, too desperate to wait for the elevator. I crashed in through the door and headed straight for Kayley who was—
Oh Jesus.She was sitting there doing the schoolwork I set her. Allthat work. I’d made her life a misery because I wassodetermined that she’d get well and go back to school. I grabbed her and hauled her out of her chair, hugging her to me. Then the tears really started, floods of them, my shaking body jolting hers along with me.
At first, she just grabbed uncertainly at my upper arms, trying to comfort me. Then her muffled voice piped up, “Is it Sean? Did the two of you have a fight?”
My heart tore in two. Everything that was going on and she was worried aboutme.It killed me to shake my head, but I slowly did it.
Her hands gripped me harder. Then harder still. I felt the realization go through her in a cold wave. She didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to ask the question. Her tears started, mingling with mine, and we hugged each other tighter and tighter until, finally, she pushed back from me and stared up with red eyes. “We’re not going to Switzerland, are we?” she asked.
My voice was so raw, so tight with guilt, that I barely sounded like myself. “No.”
She didn’t say anything. She just mashed herself into me as hard as she possibly could, scrunching her eyes shut and trying to find comfort in my warmth, in the bigger, stronger body that was meant to protect her.
I’m sorry,I thought.I’m so, so sorry.
And then I let her go, turned and walked out of the apartment.
I knew what I had to do.
Downstairs, I walked straight past my car and towards the street. I’d failed as a sister and as a stand-in mother. There was only one thing I could do now, one way I could make things right. I had life insurance—not nearly enough for Switzerland, but it would ensure Kayley had the best possible care for her last few weeks.
All I had to do was make it look like an accident.
With the rain pounding down, it wasn’t difficult. Big semi-trucks thundered right past our apartment and, in the wet, they wouldn’t be able to stop. I’d run across the street at the last minute, pretend to trip...it would all be over in a heartbeat.
The next truck approached. I took a deep breath in.
Headlights turned the street into a shining silver strip. Visibility was down to maybe fifty feet. He’d barely have time to see me, never mind stop.
I exhaled. Inhaled…
And ran.Don’t look. Don’t look.Headlights blazed across my vision from the left. The asphalt was slick with rain. I barely had to twist my foot and then I was sprawling, hands scraping on the street, knee going numb as it banged down hard. I rolled onto my side, rain filling my mouth, headlights turning my vision pure white. An airhorn blared—
Something huge and solid grappled me under the arms and dragged me out of the way. We sprawled together on the sidewalk as the truck roared past and I looked up, blinking rain and tears, into Sean’s face.
“You stupid bloody mare!” he spat through the rain coursing down his face. And then he pulled me to him and hugged me like he meant to never let me go again.
“It’s over,” I sobbed into his ear. “It’s over. I screwed it all up.”
He pushed me back to arm’s length so he could glare at me. “You need to learn some stuff. You came to me because I was a criminal—right?” When I didn’t answer, he shook me. “Right?”
“Yes!”
“Yeah, because you don’t know a fuckin’ thing about it. You know what we do when someone steals our stuff?We go and get it back.”
“How?”I asked. “It’s Malone! He’s got an army!”
