Now I was going to have to get closer than ever to that dark, criminal world. Or the whole plan would fail. But I was so scared...
I took a deep breath.For Kayley.
I leaned forward and put a reassuring hand on his arm. “You’ll be with me, right?”
He gripped my shoulders with his huge hands. “Fuckyes.”
I nodded. “Then I’ll be okay.” I looked into his eyes, then down at myself, at the mattress. I wanted to know where we stood, what his answer was. The phone call had interrupted us just at the crucial moment.
He gathered me into his arms, the drape sliding out from between our bodies, and cuddled me naked against him to show me that everything was alright, and I gradually relaxed. We were together and, as long as that was true, I felt like I could handle anything else. “I have to get home,” I said. “I raced out this morning—I haven’t seen Kayley all day.”
I felt his nod against my shoulder. Then he drew back, took my cheeks between his hands and kissed me, sending a soothing glow through my whole body. “Go,” he said tenderly. “For tonight, put on something dressy. I’ll pick you up at nine.”
40
LOUISE
At home,I fixed some food for Kayley, badgered her to do some schoolwork and talked to her about boys while throwing a load of laundry in the washer. I tried to make everything seem as normal as possible...but I was worried about her. There was only a month to go of the six Dr. Huxler had given her. Each day, her eyes seemed a little less bright.Just hang on,I kept willing her.One more month.
Meanwhile, I was reeling from what had happened with Sean. It wasn’t that I regretted it: I knew being around him was dangerous, but it felt like everything had changed, now: it was him and me against the world, instead of him off on his own, not letting anyone near him. Whatever the dangers were, we’d face them together. The thing that had me reeling was suddenly being in a relationship. After years single, I was suddenlywithsomeone...and I couldn’t tell a damn person about it.
Add in being terrified about meeting a freaking drug lord that night and it’s fair to say I was a mess. I also realized I had no idea what the hell you were supposed to wear to a jazz club and I was pretty sure I didn’t have anything suitable anyway. In desperation, I called Stacey.
Being Stacey, she was at my apartment with three different dresses and two pairs of shoes in less than half an hour. I eventually settled on the third dress, a red one that managed to be classy and sexy without showing too much skin. At first, I rejected the heels—Ineverwore serious heels. But once I tried them, I found the extra height gave me a little more confidence. And I was going to need every bit of confidence I could get.
“You go have fun,” Stacey told me.
I gaped at her as I realized what she must be thinking. “It’s not adate!”I spluttered. God, she thought I was leaving my sick sister to go off and meet some guy! “It’s a business thing!”
She frowned. “Louise, I’ve said this before:you work at a garden store.”
I opened and closed my mouth a few times.
She sighed and lowered her voice, making sure Kayley couldn’t hear from her bedroom. “It’sokayto have fun.”
“It’s not a....” I trailed off. It wasn’t a date...but Ihadfinally started something with Sean. She was more right than wrong. And that made me feel utterly ashamed. HowdareI have fun? The only thing in my life should be Kayley, especially when she was sick.
Stacey must have seen my expression because she shook her head. “Stop trying to be super-mom forone secondand think of yourself. I’mgladyou’ve met someone,” Stacey said. “Seriously. I hope it goes well.”
I sighed...and nodded. Maybe she was right, even if she had no idea who it was I was getting involved with. Maybe itwasokay to have some fun. “Okay,” I said at last. “Thank you.” Then I saw how she was looking at me. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“What?”She had a look in her eyes you never want to see from your best friend: pity. I replayed the conversation. “What did you mean,I hope it goes well?”
She went quiet and it took another few seconds of studying her guilty face before I got it.
“You mean in case she dies,” I said hollowly. “You mean you hope it works out because, if Kayley dies, you don’t want me to be alone.”
“No!” Stacey said frantically. “Not like that!” But after a second, she sighed and hung her head.
“Jesus,” I said to myself. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t like that. That however much I wanted Sean, however much I liked him, the idea of him being someone Kayley and I could share my life with—I wasn’t even going to allow myself tothinkabout a life without Kayley—that was just....
That was crazy, right? He was a criminal. And he kept shutting me out. And yes, we’d overcome those things, for now, but to think it could last, that we could make something long term?
Crazy.
And yet I wanted it to be true. The feel of his chest against my back, the way he’d kissed me just before I’d left the grow house...it had been the first time I hadn’t felt alone in years.
