“I can take care of myself,” she said, her voice quavering a little.
“Not in this neighborhood!” It came out harsher than I’d meant it to. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.” I took a step back towards the house but she stayed stubbornly where she was. “For fuck’s sake!” I snapped, “Let me take care of you!”
We stood there staring into each other’s eyes. I felt my gaze soften. She glanced away and then cautiously back at me, as if wondering whether she could trust me again.Jesus, I’m an idiot. What have I done?I wanted her more than ever, but seeing her out here in the street had brought back all my fears. What if she decided she needed to go it alone, after this? I thought of what was coming: meeting a dealer, protecting the crop as it grew. She’d last a week, without me.Just please let her come with me,I offered up to whoever was listening.I swear I’ll never try anything again.
Louise let out a long breath...and started walking back towards the house. I fell in beside her, my legs shaky with relief. I was only just realizing how much I’d come to care for her—it overpoweredeverything else, even the need to kiss her, to touch her, to have that luscious body twisting and writhing against mine.
I quickly locked up the house and we climbed into my car. We didn’t talk at all on the way to our apartment block, or on the way up the stairs, or even when we got to her front door. As she went inside, I opened my mouth to say something...but I couldn’t find any words. I was replaying the nearly-kiss over and over in my head. I’d thought she’d wanted it but then she’d run. Had I driven her away forever? Did she hate me?
The door closed behind her.Fuck. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
20
LOUISE
I pressedmy back against the door. I had no freaking idea what to think. God, I’d wanted him so bad. I hadn’t let myself admit how much until he nearly kissed me. It had been building for days and I was at least as much to blame for it as him. I’d done the one thing I’d been promising myself I wouldn’t. I’d jeopardized everything. I couldn’t get involved with someone like him. I was just a tourist in his world: six months and I’d be out, back to my normal, safe world with Kayley. I couldn’t bring him into my life...however good it felt. We needed to somehow get back to being just business partners.
Then I looked down and saw the dark mark on my arm where he’d grabbed me. Something about it made the heat swell inside me and then plunge down to my groin. The essence of what he was, brutal and dangerous, was what kept me backing away from him. But it was exactly what drew me in, too. Jesus, what if Ihadn’tpulled away? Would I have wound up on his lap, feeling the hard press of his cock through his jeans? Would he have tipped me back, my hair hanging down to the floor as he tongued my breasts?
I pressed my ass hard against the door, imagining him kissing me...then his hands cupping my breasts and squeezing, then sliding down my body...one hand going under my jeans and then my pantieslikethat,stroking through the hair and the sensitive skin beneath, leaving me gasping. And then further down, his thick wrist stretching out the front of my jeans, those strong fingers hooking underneath, finding me, parting me, likethis—
There was a loud knock at the door. Since I had my whole body grinding up against it like a cat in heat, the vibration went right through me. I jumped away from it, pulling my hand from my jeans and panting in shock. I put my eye to the door viewer and—
Oh Jesus, he’s still there!He’d been standing there the whole time!
I felt my face heating up. Had he heard? Had I moaned something? Had I been banging my hips against the door?
I slowly opened the door a hand’s width, putting on my best poker face. But as soon as I looked into his eyes, I went weak inside. I thought he was going to push open the door and grab me right there.God, does he know what I was just doing?
He seemed to wrestle himself under control. When he spoke, his voice was carefully neutral. “What time do you want to start, tomorrow?” he asked. “We’ve got a lot of planting to do.”
I just stared at him.
His eyes saidplease.
He’d realized it had been a mistake. And he wanted me to know that he knew. He was trying to tell me that it was all going to be okay, that he would keep his distance.
I nodded slowly. “Okay,” I said. Then, “Two. I’ll meet you there.”
I saw the relief on his face...but I could see the frustration there, too, only just outweighed. “Okay,” he said.
I closed the door. We were back to just business partners, exactly as I’d wanted.
So why did it feel like I was having something ripped away from me?
21
LOUISE
April
The days quickly became a routine.I’d visit Kayley at the hospital so I could be with her for her chemo. I sat beside her as the chemicals flowed into her body, trying to distract her with books and videos and chat. I held her hair out of the way and stroked her back while she threw up. I sat there silently raging, wishing I coulddosomething, wave a wand, and magically make her better. And when the visit was over, I never wanted to leave. I had to keep telling myself that the most useful thing I could do was grow the crop, make the money, and get her to Switzerland. So I’d drive to work, do my shift, then drive to the grow house.
There, I’d check every plant in turn. The seedlings were growing steadily, soaking up the light from the huge banks of lights and drinking in the filtered water and carefully-measured fertilizer I gave them. Monitoring them and adjusting the mixes took hours but I found I relished the challenge. I even rigged up sensors to send a text message to my phone if the temperature got too high or too low. This was the one thing I could do to really help my sister, the one shot she had. So, goddamn it, I was going to do it right.
Then, about a week into April, the hospital called and told me I needed to get therenow.I rushed over there, tires squealing, heart in my mouth.
Dr. Huxler stopped me outside Kayley’s room. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t think it would start this soon. Normally it takes at least a couple of weeks, but the treatments we’re giving her are so aggressive....”
