The gray clouds had spread across the entire sky, now, and a heavy, cold rain started to fall. I spent the entire morning searching.Is this what it’s like to be her, looking for me?
And then, out of nowhere, I saw her. If she’d always used unmarked cars, like a normal FBI agent, I’d have had no chance. But thanks to all those nights when she’d followed me on her bike, I spotted its cherry-red bodywork instantly. She was turning into...a churchyard?
I parked on the street and sat there uncertainly, fingering the unregistered gun I’d brought. Was she here for a service? A wedding? I climbed out for a closer look and saw her disappearing into the church, still in her biker gear.Chyort!I couldn’t follow her in there, or she’d see me immediately.
I got back into my car to wait, checking the time every few minutes.How does she do this all day?
After an hour, the doors of the church opened, and people started coming out. I sat up in my seat, my fingers curling around the gun. Now all I had to do was follow her somewhere quiet and?—
Wait. Everyone was in black.
Alison emerged. Except...she didn’t look like Alison. She must have changed in the toilets because she was in a simple black dress that fell almost to her ankles. And she didn’t prowl like she normally did; she walked with small steps, head down.
I got out of my car and moved to the edge of the church’s graveyard, watching through a set of iron railings. The gun was still in my hand under my jacket, but the resolve, cold and hard as granite in my chest...it ached. Alison and the other mourners followed the coffin to the grave site. She passed within ten feet of me, with no idea I was there.
I skulked to the other end of the graveyard, found a gate, and slipped inside. Then I crept towards the funeral, using a copse of trees for cover. The rain was hissing down, and Alison was getting soaked, but she didn’t seem to notice. She was staring at the coffin as it was lowered into the ground. The rain was sluicing down her cheeks, so I couldn’t be sure, but...is she crying?!
I felt a hairline crack open up in that hard resolve. I squeezed the gun’s grip.Don’t be stupid.
The service ended, and the other mourners walked away, leaving only Alison standing by the grave. She still hadn’t seen me.
I looked around.It was perfect. We were all alone, there were no cameras, and the rain would keep everyone inside and help mask the sound of the shot. Hell, the grave hadn’t been filled in yet: I could roll Alison’s body into it, shovel the dirt on top, and no one might ever find her.
I pulled the gun out from under my jacket...and then hesitated, staring at her hunched, soaked body and red-rimmed eyes. Something deep inside, something that I hadn’t let function in years, was aching.
I replayed the moment I’d yelled at Valentin, squeezing the memory to make the guilt well up.She’s fucked up everything. Everything was fine until she showed up.I took a deep breath, lifted my gun, and aimed at Alison’s chest…
My finger rubbed against the trigger. It didn’t seem to want to move.
She took my car. She humiliated me. She almost lost me the deal with the Irish.I took another slow breath and took aim again…
Alison gave a sudden, wracking sob and crumpled, and now I could see the tears spilling down her cheeks even through the rain.
I gritted my teeth and squeezed the trigger harder and harder…and then released it.Yebat’! Blya, blya...Blyat’! I shoved the gun back under my jacket and stood there panting, running my hands through my hair, feeling the resolve shatter into pebbles.What am I—What do I?—
Alison’s eyes were squeezed shut in agony. She wrapped both arms around herself, and it was the saddest thing I’d ever witnessed, like she had no one in the world to hug her, and?—
Suddenly, without consciously willing it, I was marching towards her. As soon as I left the cover of the trees, the rain plastered my hair to my head and soaked my shirt.
Alison opened her eyes and jumped back, startled. “H—Here?Youcome to a freakin’funeral?”She shook her head, crying and sniffing. “Why, tomock?Jesus, Gennadiy, that’s pretty low even for you.”
I opened and closed my mouth a few times. “I didn’t come here to mock,” I said at last. I nodded towards the coffin. “Who were they?”
She looked down at the coffin, and all the fight drained out of her again. “Myseonsaeng.My teacher.” Her voice went small. “My friend.”
I stared at her. She looked so...broken. I rubbed at my face. “What happened?”
Her lips pressed together tightly. “Cancer.”
Blyat’. A cold earthquake of memories rumbled through me. Without meaning to, I said, “My mother died of cancer.”
Alison looked up at me in shock. And God, she was sosmalland defenseless and?—
Something took hold of me. “After this,” I said tightly, “we go back to normal.”
“Afterwhat?”
I put my arms around her and pulled her to my chest. She yelped and jerked, but I wrapped her tight in my arms and held her small, soaked body against me as thunder boomed overhead and the rain drenched us both, and after a moment she relaxed. And then I felt her body jerk again, this time with a sob, and then another and another. Even though I could feel her breasts soft against my chest, it wasn’t sexual. It was about comforting her, soaking up her pain and…
