“That’s not what I asked.”
I turn away from my brother’s probing stare and move to the window beside him.The harbor spreads out below us, dark water reflecting the city lights.“What do you want me to say, Dave?”
“I want you to tell me the truth.”His voice is calm but carries an edge that puts me on alert.I brace for whatever he’s about to throw at me.“I’ve been watching you for the past few days.Ever since you came back from Vegas.You’re different.Better.You’re not drinking yourself into oblivion.You’re sleeping.You’re smiling, for Christ’s sake.Shelby, I haven’t seen you genuinely smile in years.I guess since you left the Marines, actually.”
This conversation is heading in a direction I don’t want it to go.
“I’m fine,” I grunt through gritted teeth.I’m clenching them so hard my jaw hurts.
“You’re more than fine.You’re happy.And that happiness has everything to do with Serena DiLorenzo.”
“You’re wrong.”The denial comes out sharper than intended.I drain what’s left of the whiskey in my glass.“Serena needed help.I provided it.That’s all this is.”
Dave’s fingers squeeze my shoulder.“You married her in Vegas.You brought her into your penthouse like she belongs there.You’ve made a one-eighty in a matter of days.And you’re going to stand here and try to convince me this is just a favor to a friend?”
“Yes.”The word feels like a lie even as I speak it.“That’s exactly what I’m telling you.The marriage is legal, yes.But emotionally?Nothing is going on between us.”One more lie that tumbles out of me without hesitation.“Serena needs stability right now.She needs someone who understands the darkness we live in.She needs protection while we figure out how to handle her father’s situation.I can provide all of that without letting this become something it can never be.”
Dave moves to the bar and pours himself another generous measure of whiskey.He takes his time, his movements deliberate, assessing.When he finally speaks, his voice is quieter but somehow more dangerous.
“Do you remember what I told you before I married Alexia?”
“This isn’t the same situation.”
“Answer the question.”
I push my glasses up again, frustrated with my own nervous habit.“You said you were terrified.That loving her meant having something to lose.That you weren’t sure you were capable of being what she needed.”
“And do you remember what you told me?”
“Don’t do this, Dave.Don’t go there,” I murmur.
He ignores my plea.“You told me that fear is weakness.You told me that the strongest men are the ones who choose to be vulnerable despite their fears.You told me that love isn’t weakness, but the only thing that makes us actually human.”Dave steps closer, and I’m reminded that despite being two years older, we’re physically matched.“You gave me permission to choose Alexia, to choose love over my fears.And I’m trying to do the same for you.”
“It’s different,” I insist, and I hate how desperate I sound.“Alexia isn’t a crime boss’s daughter investigating her own father’s trafficking operation.Alexia’s situation was complicated, but this?This is a fucking minefield, Dave.Every direction we move could trigger an explosion.And Serena is at the center of it all.”
“Exactly.”Dave sets down his glass with deliberate care.“She’s at the center of it, which means she needs someone she trusts completely.Someone who understands what she’s facing.Someone who won’t abandon her when things get difficult.”
“That’s precisely why I can’t let this become real,” I say, and the words taste like poison.“Every person I’ve cared about has been hurt.In Syria, Afghanistan, and Russia, I’ve watched good people die because I couldn’t protect them.I’ve failed my missions.I’ve let women and children slip through my fingers while I stood paralyzed by my own ghosts.How could I possibly be what Serena needs when I can’t even be what I’m trained to be?”
Dave is quiet for a long moment.When he speaks, his voice is so gentle, almost hard to bear.“You’re not responsible for those deaths.You didn’t kill those people, Shelby.You know that, right?”
“Do I?”The question comes out bitter.“Because it sure feels like I am.Because every one of those failures is stuck on repeat in my head.Their deaths are tattooed on my soul.And now you want me to drag Serena into my darkness?”
“I want you to trust that maybe she can handle it.More importantly, I want you to consider that maybe loving her isn’t a weakness.It might be the thing that saves you from drowning in all your darkness.”
I turn away from him because I can’t stand the hope in his expression.Hope that I might actually deserve something good.Hope that my broken pieces could somehow fit together with someone else’s broken pieces and create something whole and lasting.It’s a beautiful lie.But I refuse to let myself believe it.
“I can manage the attraction between us,” I say, my voice cold and controlled.“I respect Serena as a partner and ally.I admire her even.She’s brilliant and strong and brave in ways that most people will never achieve.”I pause to take a sip.The burning sensation numbs the pain in my chest.I scoff, “But real love?The kind that makes you weak and stupid?That makes you capable of sacrificing everything?That’s off the table, Dave.For both of us, for both our sakes.”
“Shelby—”
“I mean it.Serena feels exactly like me.”I push past him toward the door.“When we go into this investigation, I need to be sharp.I need to be focused.I need to be the operative you trained me to be, not a man distracted by his feelings for a woman who deserves better than what I can give her.We do this right, we build the case, and we end this.And when it’s done, I step back and let her rebuild her life without me in it to mess it up.”
Dave doesn’t try to stop me as I reach for the door handle.But his voice follows me into the hallway.“You’re a coward.And the worst part?You know it, brother.”
The words hit harder than any punch could.I pause at the threshold, my hand frozen on the door.Every instinct screams at me to turn around and defend myself.To explain that my caution is wisdom, not cowardice.That protecting Serena from myself is the most honorable thing I can do.
But the truth is that Dave is right.I am a coward.I’m hiding behind the ghosts of my past, using them as an excuse to keep my heart locked away where it can’t be shattered.
