Her words hit me like a ten-ton truck barreling down a slippery road.
She’s right.I do care.I care more about her than I should, and it terrifies me that she’s noticed.I care more than is safe, more than is smart, more than I have any right to.
“This is a terrible idea,” I finally say, but even I can hear that my resistance is weakening.
“Probably.”The slow smile curving her full lips tells me she heard it too.
I’m so fucked up right now.
“We don’t know it’d work,” I retort, hanging on to those words for dear life.I’m free-falling into the abyss and, strangely, I’m not as afraid as I should.
“We know that it might.”She pulls my face toward hers, brushing her lips against mine.
It’s the lightest touch, but enough to set my soul on fire.My hands come up automatically, covering hers against my face, holding them there.Her skin is soft.She’s so warm.So fucking real.
“What if that’s not good enough?”I offer against her mouth.
“We’re both trapped in lives we didn’t choose.I’m drowning in a family that uses me as a disposable pawn.”She pauses for a heartbeat as her eyes grow darker.She continues, “But when you kissed me last night, it felt like the first real choice I’ve made in years.”
This morning, I held her in my arms.I watched her sleep, her vulnerable side exposed in a way I’m sure she rarely allows herself to be.And now she’s standing in my kitchen, asking me to save her from a monster.
How can I say no to this?
“If I say yes…” I pause.When hope lights up her expression, I shake my head and add, “I’m not agreeing yet.What are you proposing exactly?”
“Vegas.Tomorrow, if possible.We get married fast, before my father can interfere.Then we come back and announce it as a fait accompli.I move in here to make it look legitimate.We play the part of a real couple in public, so everyone sees how in love we are.That way, nobody will think the marriage is fake.”
“And in private?”
“In private, we figure it out as we go.”She searches my face, looking for any sign of what I’m thinking.“I’m not asking you to love me.I’m asking you to help me escape a trap set by a monster.And maybe we help each other vanquish the demons we’re carrying inside.”
The demons we’re carrying inside.
She understands.She gets it in a way that most people don’t.She knows that the worst monsters aren’t the ones chasing us.They’re the ones we carry with us.The ghosts.The failures.The moments we can’t take back.
I remember Russia and the children I couldn’t save, the way I froze when it mattered most.
I think about Syria.About Abeera’s hand reaching out as the building came down.
Hamid comes to mind, the good man who translated for the Marines in Kabul for more than three years.The night the Taliban killed him never leaves my mind, nor the way his wife and kids wailed when I gave them the news.
I think about all the ways I’ve failed people who counted on me.
And then I look at Serena, standing in my kitchen in her designer dress, asking me to protect her from a predator who thinks he already owns her.
Maybe I can’t save everyone.Maybe I’m broken in ways that will never fully heal.
But Icansave her.
“You trust me,” I finally say, and it’s not quite a question.
“Yes, I do.”
“Why?”
“Because Joe trusts you, and Joe is the best man I know.”Her thumb strokes across my cheekbone again in a gesture that’s becoming familiar.“Because Dave trusts you with Syndicate operations.Because you came back from Russia bleeding and broken, and instead of medicating it away or pretending you’re fine, you admitted you need help.”She pauses.“And because when you look at me, you see a person.Not an asset to be acquired.A person.”
Something in my chest cracks open at her words.
