I swallowed a knot, remembering one advantage that Creighton had over his enemies. He wasn’t ruled by emotions, so therefore as I studied him, I knew that even though he was using those words, he was doing it for my benefit. He was not scared of those men. It’s the advantage he’d been extorting against Tristian West and Ashton Walden,and it’d been working so far. Which brought me back to the original reason for all of this. “I have people here that I care about.”
“You’re worried West and Walden would go after your friends?”
I held his gaze, knowing he could see my answer.
He didn’t reply, not at first. He was quiet for a moment before he said, “I can put more guards on your friends, but I don’t think they’ll move on your roommates.”
“I like them, Eight.”
My hand was resting against his chest, and it was only for that reason that I felt his heart thump when I whispered that nickname for him. That was his only reaction. His face, his eyes, his tone, nothing else changed.
“I thought they would kick me out, but they didn’t. Palma got mad at me when she caught me. I ...” Could I have this hope? Could I have it and keep it? “I’ve only wanted to feel normal, and Palma gave me that. I think I could finally have that normal life, but that means your war can’t hurt them.”
I sank farther down on him.
That’s what I wanted from him. I wanted to stay. I wanted to remain in these people’s lives. And I wanted to not be a part of Creighton’s war. Except that was unrealistic, because I was the one weakness he had. I would never be rid of him. I didn’t think I even wanted that anymore. And Creighton would never stop being Creighton.
“What do you want?” I asked him.
He cocked his head to the side. That was his only indication he didn’t understand my question.
I clarified, “At the end of the day, what do you want?”
“I want you.”
God. Those words hit me in the sternum, sending vibrations through my whole body. They were intoxicating to hear. My blood heated.
“But other than me, what do you want?”
He considered my question for a little bit. “I can’t live under someone else’s rule. That’s what you’re asking, isn’t it?” His eyes lingeredon my mouth. He flicked back up to meet my gaze. “You want me to stop doing what I do. If I did, that would mean another gang or organization or family would rule instead. Where there is an opening for power, someone will take it. It’s the natural way of things. Someone always rises to the top. We’d have to live under their rules and guidelines. I wouldn’t be able to protect you. I can’t do that. Where you go, I will always try to protect you. Even though you have proved over and over again that you don’t need me.”
My heart leapt. I whispered, unable to stop myself, “I’ll always need you.”
And just like that, all of the hope that I’d been too scared to let myself feel, all of it deflated right out of me. We were back to square one because if I had him, I’d never live any semblance of a normal life.
I wanted him, but not how he was. And he couldn’t change himself.
I was being torn apart inside.
“Uncuff me.” His eyes were suddenly heated, tracing over every inch of my face.
My arms were weighed down by cement anchors, but I did as he asked. As soon as one hand was free, his arm snaked forward, his hand cupping the side of my face. He smoothed his thumb over my cheek, tilting my head in his palm. “What did I say that made you so sad?”
Because of course he wouldn’t understand. Maybe logically, but not emotionally.
I shook my head, my voice rough as I whispered, “It doesn’t matter.”
He leaned closer, now arching over me. “It matters to me.” He kept searching my face as if the answer would suddenly appear there. It wasn’t that simple. “What do you want me to do, Blake? Tell me. I’ll do it. This one time.”
I could’ve said so much, but the truth was that I wanted him to be someone else, and that would never happen. “I—” My whole body was hurting. All of it was one massive ache that was never going to leave me. This wasn’t going to work. I needed to accept that.
I couldn’t stay in this in-between stage. Where he and I were dancing around being together or not. I needed to try something different.
“Kiss me.”
He studied me for another beat, his eyebrows pinching together, but then his face cleared, and once again, with dead eyes, he leaned to me. His lips found mine, and I gasped, because even though there was no emotion on his face, the fact was that his touch elicited all the emotions inside of me. I had more than enough for both of us.
Something had to change.
