‘Sonoperks then,’ I heard Ray grumble as I left. ‘That’s just great.’
43
TAYLOR
‘There.’ I stood back to admire my handiwork. ‘You’ll probably think they’re tacky, but I don’t care. It’s Christmas, Cal, and I wanted you to have some Christmas lights.’
I bought the twinkling star string lights from The Coastal Craftsman. They were solar-powered and waterproof, Jasper had assured me. When I’d told him what they were for, he’d insisted on adding some extra solar lights that poked into the ground for free. One was a Santa Claus light, and the other one a snowman. I knew Cal would have howled with laughter at the sight of them, which made them feel appropriate. I pushed them down into the soil on either side of the headstone, and smiled to myself. ‘Just be thankful they’re not the lobster ones. Maybe I’ll bring those for you in summer. You’d get a kick out them. One of Mom’s tackier purchases it has to be said, and as you know, that’s saying something.’
I plucked out a weed that was growing next to the concrete headstone, smoothing the grass over the hole it left behind.
‘Happy birthday,’ I said softly. ‘I wish you were here. Mom’s cooking lobster mac ’n’ cheese and blueberry pie for dinner tonight. Ray will be there, of course. And Jack.’
I took a deep breath and stared out to sea. It was a gray, damp day. Visibility was a few hundred yards, if that. The ocean was a beautiful cold green color, clean and wild. It made a loud swooshing noise as it frothed and broke over the rocks below, clattering over loose pebbles every time it withdrew. I tilted my head up and closed my eyes, letting the salt spray moisture in the air soak into my skin.
I still felt some guilt over Cal’s death, but that was never going to change. What I had been able to do in the last six months, since I confided in Jack, was forgive myself. Forgiving myself didn’t mean condoning my actions or forgetting about them, but it was step one in letting go of the guilt that had been weighing down my life. It meant accepting that nothing I did or felt could ever change the past, so the best thing I could do was look to the future and live my best life possible, a life that Cal would have been proud of.
It wasn’t easy, and I still had bad days, but I had learned to practice self-compassion, to ease up on myself. To remember that Ihadbeen young, and that I could never have foreseen the consequences that night from an action that, as Jack had pointed out, thousands of teenagers do every single weekend.
Lost in thought, I didn’t hear him approach, until he slid an arm around my waist and pressed his lips to the side of my neck. I knew it was him. Didn’t need to look. I’d know his scent, his touch, anywhere. Had spent a great deal of the last six months intricately entwined with him. I relaxed back into him, feeling his body wrap around my own. Supporting me. I doubted I would ever get used to how it felt to be held by someone you loved.
Deciding to stay back here in Pine Harbor had been a leap of faith, but one which had paid off. I still owned the studio in New York, only now it was managed by Renae on a day-to-day basis. It had been Jack’s idea to turn the apartment upstairs from the restaurant into another art/tattoo studio. I’d been skeptical at first, unsure how much business I’d get in a small town like this, but the stream of tourists wanting souvenir paintings of the harbor or tattoos of little lobsters to remind themselves of their holiday in Maine was constant, and some of my regular clientele from back in the city had even made the trek to see me in the Pine Harbor studio. There had even been a new hashtag created on Instagram, #inkedinpineharbor.
‘I thought you weren’t going to bring the bike,’ he admonished.
‘I lied.’
‘I’ll tell your mother.’
‘Go ahead. She has about as much control over me as you do.’
‘So… none, then.’
‘It’s good that you understand that.’
He chuckled, and it reverberated through his chest, rumbling against my back.
‘Your mother and Ray are at the bar. She wanted to make sure we’ll definitely be at the house for dinner tonight.’
I groaned, wriggling inside his arms to turn and snuggle into his chest. ‘Do we have to?’
Since moving into the cabin with Jack, I’d finally understood people who never wanted to leave their houses. It was our little sanctuary. I went to sleep every night curled up in his arms, and woke up next to him every morning. We were insatiable for each other.
‘Yes, we do have to,’ he said firmly. ‘I monopolize you far too much.’
‘What if I like being monopolized by you,’ I mumbled. ‘What if I want to be monopolized by youmore.’
‘Well, obviously your wish is my command. But we’re still going to your mother’s for dinner. I promised.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘I promised on your behalf.’
‘Fine. Butwhenshe gets sentimental and starts reminiscing, that’s on you.’
My words were light, but he understood immediately what I was trying to say. My mother was incredibly resilient. But even she had her limits, and our birthday was one of them. It was the reason I hadn’t spent a birthday with her since Cal’s death. But that hadn’t been fair to her, and I knew that now. She’d already lost one child, and I had been depriving her of both of us by doing that. Now that I lived back here again, we’d slowly started to mend that part of our relationship. After he’d died, any time she’d mentioned him I would shut the conversation down and leave, until eventually she’d learned to speak about him in front of me. But Cal didn’t deserve that, and neither did my mother. We talked about Cal all the time now. About the kind of person he’d been. Speculated on what kind of person he would have become. It hurt, but I also loved it.
‘I’ll be right beside you,’ he said, leaning down to press his lips against my forehead.
