‘We had a birthday party down on the beach,’ I explained. ‘With a big campfire, burgers, alcohol that we’d pilfered from Mom. Music playing out of a big speaker. It was the best night. All our friends were there. The beach, the stars. Anything felt… possible. So when Adam kissed me, I didn’t stop him. In fact, I kissed him back.’ I could still remember the moment clearly, as much as I’d tried to forget it. ‘Cal saw us, and he was angry. Angrier than I’d ever seen him. He stormed off. We chased after him of course, and I begged him not to drive. Even got in front of the car, but he kept revving the engine and Adam pulled me away. I’ve replayed that moment so many times in my head. Cal would never have hurt me. Adam should have just left me. I could have stopped him from driving away.’
Beside me, Jack exhaled heavily. ‘Was he drunk?’
‘He’d been drinking. Enough to be impaired, definitely.’ My voice shook and I took a sharp breath. ‘He ran through a stop sign and T-boned another car. Somehow, miraculously, the other occupants, a couple from Washington, survived with only minor injuries. But Cal was killed instantly. They said the impact severed his neck from his spine. My beautiful, larger-than-life brother was snuffed out in an instant. It didn’t seem possible. I still struggle with it.’
Jack exhaled softly, then nodded. ‘I know what you mean. When Alex died, it was a shock, how suddenly someone can go from being here to being gone.’
‘I never got to say goodbye. Or tell him how sorry I was that I broke our pact.’
‘Is that why you married Adam? Because you felt guilty?’
‘Yes.’ I stared at my lap again. Wiped the tears from my cheek with the back of my hand. ‘We both blamed ourselves, and each other. Everyone who’d been on the beach that night knew what had happened. Why Cal had driven off. It felt like everyone blamed us. The whole town.’
‘I’m sure they didn’t.’
I shook my head. ‘Small town like this. People talk. Even at the funeral, I could hear them whispering. We got drunk again after the funeral and agreed that we couldn’t let his death be in vain. He couldn’t die because of a stupid, drunken kiss. So, we told everyone that we were in love. It somehow made his death seem less meaningless. Nothing could ever justify it, but it helped to assuage our guilt.’
‘Grief and guilt can make us do funny things.’
‘It made me marry a man who should never have been more than a one-night stand. It was the least I deserved though. To be stuck in a loveless marriage. At least Adam finally had the guts to end it. I don’t blame him for falling in love with someone else, you know. Everyone expects me to be angry with him, but I’m not. I know he blames himself for Cal’s death as much as I blame myself. He deserves a shot at happiness.’
‘So do you.’
‘I wish it was that simple.’
‘If Hannah had died tonight, would you want me to spend the rest of my life blaming myself for her death?’
I frowned. ‘Of course not.’
‘Why not? She drove off because she heard us declaring our feelings for each other.’
‘That’s different, and you know it.’
‘How?’
‘It just is.’
‘No, Taylor. It’s the same. It wasn’t your fault that Cal drove. You were eighteen. Do you know how many eighteen-year-olds get drunk and make out at parties every night?’
‘But I broke our promise.’
‘A promise you made when you werefourteen. It was a promise between kids. Look, you need to remember that weallhave to take responsibility for our own actions in life. Cal and Hannah included.’
‘I just wish he was still here,’ I said though my tears. ‘I miss him so much.’
He leaned over and pulled me in against him. Burying my face into his chest, I cried like I hadn’t let myself cry since it had happened. I cried until I had no tears left to cry. Until his shirt was as soaked as if he’d stood in a rainstorm. I cried until my face hurt.
42
SIX MONTHS LATER
Jack
‘It hurts.’
‘It’s supposed to hurt.’
‘This much?’
