The thought sends adrenaline dumping through my bloodstream so fast that my heart hurts from beating too rapidly. I ignore the insidious voice that wants me to believe that this man will never accept me for who I really am.
“I’m so awkward.” I try to laugh, but it comes out nervous and strained.
“That’s fine.” I didn’t expect any of this transition would be easy. It’s hard meeting someone when you’ve built up an idea of them in your head.”
His eyes are intense. They’re a little bit unnerving. Instead of shying away from them, I lean into it and step back, letting him drink his fill. “Are you disappointed? Weirded out? Did you picture me differently?”
If he’s not disappointed by you now, he will be. Don’t worry. You won’t have to wait long.
He shakes his head. His hair is thick and dark. For some reason, I thought it would be shaved close to his head. It’s overlong, a little bit shaggy, and gives him some of that sameboyishness that his smile did. “I tried not to think of you, honestly. Your words, yes, but not you. I didn’t want to bring you into that place.”
I don’t know what to say. I try for a joke, but it doesn’t come out right. “Did you look me up online?”
His lips twitch. He doesn’t take it the wrong way. “You mean like any good hacker would?”
“I’m sure I exist somewhere, but I didn’t make it easy for you.”
“No.” He holds up his hands. “I mean no, I didn’t look you up.”
I don’t want him to have to keep standing in the hallway. I’m no good at making small talk, probably due to the fact that I haven’t done it since around the time I moved here. I do occasionally see people from the building, when I walk down to slip my rent check in the slot in the office door, or at the mailbox, but the exchange never consists of more than a brief hello.
“Do you want to come in? I made cookies and I have tea. Or coffee.”Awesome. Now he’ll think I’m awkward,anda little old lady.Not that there’s anything wrong with little old ladies.
His lips twitch again. The last thing I want to be is cute in his eyes.
I don’t knowwhatI want to be in his eyes.
Probably nothing.
It won’t matter anyway. He’ll be gone when he finds out about me, and he’ll be far better off for it.
After Maverick walks in and I close the door, I realize just howlargehe is. Both in terms of his actual body, and the way his presence fills up a room. He’s dominating. Commanding. Enthralling.
I try to walk as calmly to the kitchen as I can. I wish I would have opted for jeans and a t-shirt, like he did. I feel like this outfit isn’t just giving preppy. It’s giving a whole lot of librarian.
His cedar scent wafts into the kitchen as soon as he steps in. He pulls out a chair at the table and sits down. He’s not at ease. I don’t miss how his broad shoulders set in a stiff position, or how he grasps his hands in his lap.
A tiny trickle of warmth unfurls in my belly, thinking he might be as nervous as I am.
“Do you want tea? I have pretty much every kind. Or coffee.” The kitchen is so tiny that even though he’s not facing me, he can’t miss when I point to the espresso machine. “I can make you anything you like with that too.”
“It’s been ages since I’ve had a good coffee. That should have been the first thing I had when I got out.”
I grab the bag of coffee, but nearly drop it, my hands are so slick and shaky. Of course Maverick notices. I’m practically vibrating.
“Loreena.”
I whip around at the sound of my name, flowing off his tongue like sweet honey. My body reacts viscerally, my pulse speeding up while my mouth dries out. My nipples harden, my belly swims, and my thighs tingle.
I haven’t felt anything like it in years. I never expected to again. It’s not because of what happened to me. I know it was an isolated incident. It was a terrible thing. Wrong place. Wrong time. I was hurt physically. I was threatened. But none of it was sexual. If it had been, I don’t know if I ever would have recovered. My mind probably would have shattered completely instead of the fractures that I was left with. What happened didn’t destroy my faith in humanity.
Just in myself.
I suck in a deep belly breath, while the slow burning fire keeps spreading. Now that the spark is lit inside of me, there’s no stopping it. Half of me wants to cry at the unfairness of it, at that teasing glimmer of hope, while the other half of me is too stunned to steel myself against any of it.
I should have known. Maverick is physically a stranger, but in every other way, this meeting feels a little bit like destiny. Iknowhim. He’s safe. His words have kept me going, urged me on, given me light, and been the inspiration I needed at so many different times. I’ve never known what it was like to be held by those strong arms, but I’ve been uplifted by his words. He’s part of my truth. My life. If anyone was going to break through that barrier I keep between myself and the world, it was always going to be him.
I’ve been silent too long. Just standing here, paralyzed and barely breathing.
