“It’s going to be alright,” Loreena says, stroking Miranda’s hand. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come, but I needed to do this. I think maybe we both did. You can breathe it out. In and out. That’s it.”
“I’m dying,” Miranda croaks.
Loreena nods. “Did they give you anything for the pain? Are you doing some kind of treatment? Do you have anyone helping you with the house?”
My heart turns into a brutal, tortured thing. Today was supposed to be about Loreena’s pain and healing, but she doesn’t need it to be. She means every word she’s asking and her worry for this woman who birthed a monster, is totally genuine. Something hot and vicious swirls in my chest. It’s not just pride. It’s a depth of emotion that I haveneverfelt before.
My mom would have loved Loreena. I can almost hear her telling me that I should listen and follow Loreena’s lead. That she’ll be good for me and to me. My mom would call Loreena her daughter. I can just imagine the way she’d hug her, and how Loreena would glow from all that love.
I don’t know how I was lucky enough to be raised by one of the best women this planet has ever known, or why life put another in my path. I’m the last person who deserves it, but Loreenalovesme. She’s whispered the words countless times to me over the past few weeks. I’ve returned them, but the next time I tell her, it will be with a fresh understanding of what they mean, and how awed and grateful I am to be the one to stand beside her.
“They wanted to give me their drugs, but it wouldn’t have done much. Extended my life for what? So I could live it alone?” Miranda finally rubs a hand over her face, smearing her tears around. “I’m fine with dying, but I’m not fine with this. With what happened. You came here before it was too late. I think that happened for a reason.” Loreena tenses but gives Miranda the chance to say what she needs to. “My son was my only family. My husband died years ago. His parents died when he was young and mine are gone too. Cancer, both of them.” She lets out a bitter chuckle. “I always knew it would take me too. I still wish I wasn’t the mother who outlived her son. I know what he did. I know it was wrong. How can I say that I still miss him? I loved him. I’m appalling. It’s horrible to tell you these things.” She has to take a deep draw of air and hold it after so many words. It rattles in the cage of her chest.
“I understand.” Loreena bows her head. “He was your son, and you were his mother. I know that if I had a child, nothing on earth could make me stop loving them. There are hard things and I know that they aren’t easy, but deep down, they would always be my child, even if justice had to be done.”
“Let me leave you something. I can get my will changed. I’ve never had a car, but I have this house. It’s mortgage free and worth half a fortune.”
Loreena’s head snaps up. I’ve been paying attention this whole time, but it definitely sharpens. I have to force myself to keep my mouth shut and not gape at the frail old woman.
“I don’t need your house,” Loreena states, though I can hear the shock in her tone.
“Please. Please, take it,” Miranda begs. “The least I can do is try to give you your life back in some way. I can’t rebuild that or repay you for it. This is the only way that I can change the outcome of anything. I’m not doing it out of guilt or obligation. I’ve been trying to figure out who I could leave it to, and then you wrote to me and came here. I think that’s about as clear a sign as I’ve ever received.”
“That’s very kind. I- I don’t need it though. I think that… you could leave it to me, but I’ll ensure that all the money goes to help people.” Once the idea sinks in, Loreena grasps onto it. “Homeless shelters, shelters for battered women and children, and funds for people who are fighting life threatening illnesses and don’t have the means. I’ll help as many people as I can. We’ll turn something bad into something beautiful.”
Miranda bites down on her lip, but fresh tears pour down her cheeks anyway. “Can I ask something of you? I know I have no right. I have less than no right at all.”
“You can ask me.”
“I know I’ll end up in hospice when I can’t care for myself any longer, even if I don’t want it, but I just don’t want to die alone. I’d given up hope completely that there might be someone left. I had a few good friends, but after… after my son died…”
“It’s okay. You can say his name.”
“After Richard died, I chased everyone away. I wanted to be alone with my grief, so that’s how I ended up. Utterly and entirely on my own.”
“You don’t have to. You could come to Hart.” Loreena reels, turning to me. I can’t bear to see the guilt on her face. She made the offer without asking me, but I’d do anything to make it so she can make good on her word. She turns back to Miranda after I nod emphatically. “I don’t know how much time you have left, but you could get to know the men and women who have already made such a difference in my life. I’ll always be grateful to them for showing me so much kindness. They welcomed me with zero questions asked. They’ll accept a person for who they are and who they want to be, not for who theywere. Home isn’t a building. It’s a place. It’s chosen family. It’s finding redemption. I think it’s exactly the kind of place you’d be at peace in.”
“Oh. Oh god.” Miranda tugs her hand from Loreena’s grasp and throws them both over her face. She sobs into them, her bony shoulders shaking so brutally that I’m afraid something terrible will happen to her right there.
I get off the couch and pick Loreena up off her knees. I ease the old woman into my arms, leaning her forward so that she can rest against me, still sobbing, but so that she can hopefully breathe easier. Loreena rubs her back.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says, sounding so certain that I want to believe her too.
What a crazy fucking day. I never would have thought that this is how we’d end up after coming here, or that I could have such a changed heart.
Not a change of heart.
There’s a difference, and I feel it down to the marrow of my bones.
“You don’t have to come with us. If you want to stay here, or stay in Seattle, I give you my word that I’ll come to you when you need me. You don’t have to decide right now. It’s an open offer, and we’ll do everything we have to do in order to make sure you can come if that’s what you want.”
My eyes meet Loreena’s over Miranda’s quaking shoulders. We don’t say anything, but we don’t need to. It’s not just silent communication. It’s emotion on such a deep level, a connection,knowinganother person’s heart, that there’s no need for language.
I love you. So much. An infinite amount. I always will.
Yours,her look screams back to me.I’m yours and you’ll always be mine.
“How? Why are you… why are you so good?” Miranda sobs.
