He’s not suggesting that we go leave the house and confront her. Just like that. It wouldn’t be possible. Would it? I couldn’t show up on her doorstep, making demands, pushing her to atone for what her son did. She might have no idea. She might be completely innocent of all wrongdoing, mourning the loss of her child. My anger would only open up all her wounds. Even if she’s terrible, even if sheknew, even if she did nothing, could I just point a finger in her face in order to make myself feel better?
“I know who she is,” Maverick says, voice dangerously low. “I could do anything. You just give me the word, and I could make her pay for years of your suffering. She had to have known.”
“No.” The word is a wheeze from my constricted lungs. “No, I- I don’t want you to do that. I feel that part of healing is forgiving those who have wronged you and misunderstood you.”
Maverick’s eyes shine. “Do you have any idea how inspiring you are?”
“I don’t think it takes a lot of strength or courage to choose not to ambush an elderly lady.”
“Not ambushing her. Forgiving her. Forgivinghim.”
“I just want to let it go!” I don’t mean to shout, but the words echo in the hall. I let out a shuddering sigh and make sure I’m not so loud or harsh. “Part of letting go does mean telling her, I think. I could write to her. She could choose not to respond, but at least I’d be able to let her know what happenedand that I’m choosing to move on. I’m choosing my life over the attack. It will always be with me, but I’m more than that. I don’t want to condemn her or pass judgment. That- that-hisbeing dead means that I can finally put this to rest. The only thing that I can do now is offer myself some grace. I might live with regret about not doing anything sooner, but there’s nothing I can do to change that now. I want to choose mercy and forgiveness, even if it’s for me too. I want to build on the knowledge that I’ve gained from my mistakes.”
“I love you.”
Those words, said so softly, might as well have been a shout like mine. They bounce through the house, reverberating off the floor, the walls, the ceiling. He didn’t mean to say it, I can tell, but he doesn’t seem to want to steal them back. He goes quiet and still, but not tense. Calm. Maybe even peaceful.
“Oh, Maverick,” I breathe.
“I mean, imperfectly. It slipped out.”
“Did it? Because I’ve loved you for years.” I release his arms and bring my hands back to his shoulders. His eyes were already shining, but they’re like staring into the sun. Of all the realities and lives I could have lived, somehow, I’m lucky enough to be here with him right now. “There are millions of ways one person can love another. I can count at least a hundred that I feel for you. It’s always changing. Maturing. Developing.”
“A hundred? I might need to up my game.”
“So you did mean it.”
His face lowers, ducking close to mine. “I meant it,” he breathes, sounding half anguished, and half like he’s trying tohold back the greatest joy. “I just don’t want to scare you.” His brow creases into a frown.
“I’m not scared. Not of you.” I smooth his temple and let my palm fall to his jaw. He turns, pressing his lips against my hand. That kiss reaches me down to the soles of my feet. I still can’t believe that I’m standing here and that this is real. That I’m blessed enough to have this man in my life. “I’m not scared of how you feel or how I feel. I was before, but it’s another thing I’ve changed my mind about. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to stay locked in one spot. I want tolive. I want to feel. I want to breathe. I want that in every way, in every part of my life.”
He applies pressure to the small of my back, pulling me into him. I’m alreadythere. When his lips slant over mine, they feel like an even greater blessing. A miracle. He doesn’t kiss me with the same fervent heat that he does at night. There’s so much more intimacy in this, a depth of feeling that we haven’t been able to experience together yet. There’s anguish and there’s joy. There’s the gut wrenching pain of the past and there’s hope for a tomorrow, where we’ve both told each other that we love each other—however imperfect it is—and that we’re not afraid.
When he pulls back, he swipes a finger over my bottom lip. I tremble at his touch, but it’s a good shiver.
“I don’t want to be blindfolded when we drive again,” I whisper, putting all my feelings into words. “I want to see the world. I want to look at you, sitting right beside me. I want to lose myself in you and find my reassurances there, until I can find them in myself. Iwillfind them.”
“You will,” he agrees.
“I also want to write a letter to my parents. I want to forgive them too. I want us to be a family again. I don’t knowhow they’ll fit into my life again, and maybe it will be kind of like it is now, where we really don’t see each other or talk to each other that often, but I still want to reach out. I believe that it’s the right thing to do.”
Maverick and I stand perfectly still, sharing silent communication with each other. Feelings that don’t need words because words aren’t deep enough. We’re caught in each other’s gravity. Whatever it is flowing between us, I want to harness it. I want to use it as a power.
“Do you want me to help you write those letters?”
I could say no. Maverick would understand. All this time, I’ve stood alone. I’ve wanted help, but I didn’t know what to do with it, and then I missed it like crazy when I had almost no one. I can’t say that I respect this man, that I adore him, that I want to share a future with him, and keep stubbornly trying to do it all on my own.
I nod, then surge up and kiss him again.
“Yes. Thank you,” I say, feeding the words against his lips.
“You can take as long as you need. As many drafts. As many hours.”
“Scythe still doesn’t feel like we’ve commandeered his house?”
“Scythe is happy. I promise. I took the rest of the day off, but I could tell the guys at the club that I need more time, if you want. I’m here for you.”
“I want you to go to work.” I pepper his jaw with kisses so that he knows that I mean that in the best way. “That’s healthy. I love that you have the club, even if you’re not a member. I’m sohappy that you have good people in your life and that you have family.”
