“Some things, there aren’t words for. They can’t be caught or taught or captured. It just is. That’s what I’m talking about. Letting ourselves just be.”
“But that’s the problem.” I band an arm around her waist, selfishly, holding her close so that she doesn’t slide off me and leave me to my own destruction, even though I’m pushing so hard for it. “The situation you’re in right now isn’t the one youwere in years ago. You have the club behind you. You haveme. I can’t change what I did, and I can’t change that I’d do it all over again, just differently. I can’t tackle organized crime alone. I can’t do what the police and the legal and justice systems have failed to do since probably the dawn of time. But you? You can ensure that this bastard never hurts anyone else again. All you have to do is say the word. You don’t have to worry about me. I amnevergoing back to prison again.”
Her eyes widen and she reels back, rocking so hard on my lap that she just about throws herself off even though I’m holding onto her.
“What- the… what the fuck is that supposed to even mean? Are you calling me a coward? Are you shaming me for not acting?”
That’s the last thing I would ever do. I want to tell her that I can’t let my demons come out to touch her. I don’t want her tainted by my past. I might have kept my head down and shut the fuck up in prison in order to survive, but you can’t get through ten years without forging some alliances or getting bloody or bloodied. I was fortunate to leave that all behind and owe no one anything out here. Everyone would tell me that I’m fortunate to be alive, period. Fortunate that what I did was just buried under. I might as well have been dead for all that it mattered to the people I tried to fuck with. That was their final middle finger right into my face, proving to me that I was so paltry and insignificant I didn’t even require intimidating, let alone a good old fashioned killing.
I’m thankful.
Most days.
Then there are those days when my demons tell me that I’m good for absolutely nothing. That I don’t need to bother putting up walls because who in their right mind would want to tear them down to see underneath. That shit is for people of worth, and I’m not one of them.
It hurts and aches, and those same demons, those same thoughts reminding me that I’m nothing, nothing, nothing, cause my skin to burn. I should get up. Leave. I’ve already said and done enough tonight. I need a walk. Outside air. Cool air against my burning skin. Maybe if I drink enough of it in, it will calm my roiling stomach.
I can’t leave her thinking the worst thoughts.
“You’re one of the most courageous people I know. But don’t make me into a martyr. You’re not condemning me to anything.”
She frowns. I’m the one who feels as though I’m on the verge of a panic attack, the air squeezing out of my lungs.
“You have the power to change. You can move forward. You’re not stuck. You only think you are. Say the word, and we’ll find this man. I could destroy his life without ever even leaving this house and there are others at the club with the same kind of skills as me. And then there are those who would love to physically find the fucker and ensure that he’s punished for what he did and never found again. I could do that for you. The club could. You just have to be brave enough to reclaim your life.”
“Harming someone else, even if that person attacked me, isn’t going to bring back the years I lost and it’s not going to give me peace!” She draws in deep breaths, trying to be calm. “You won’t goad me into it, Maverick.” Her eyes flick between us.“It’s dangerous to provoke someone into getting pissed off when they’re within sacking distance.”
She climbs carefully off my lap. I immediately miss her heat, her weight grounding me into the couch, the comfort pouring off of her and into my body.
I lean forward, placing my elbows on my knees. I fold my hands and tilt my face up. I can’t say why I keep pushing, except that I think she needs to hear it. It’s not to punish her. It’s not to punish me. I don’t want to drive her away. The words are just there and so is the impulse to spit them out. “Are you sure that’s true, or is that just what you’ve been telling yourself so that you can keep hiding because hiding feels safe?”
“Are you trying to be an asshole? Are you arguing with me like a lawyer? Because you know that as one, I can’t just go around breaking the law I swore an oath to try to uphold.”
“Lawyers get guilty people off all the time, and we both know that. You don’t have to be a saint.Youdon’t have to be the martyr. You can get angry. You can get even. You can take this fucker’s life away from him like he stole yours. You can get retribution for yourself and every other victim and the only person who gets hurt is him. He deserves to rot in jail at the very least. Let me do it. Let me put him there. Let me take his freedom. I know firsthand what a punishment that is. Sometimes, it was far worse than death.”
“Why would you want to put someone else through that pain?”
“Because he’s put you through all this.” My hand slashes through the air, indicating the past years of her life. “And don’t give me that nonsense shit about forgiving to move on. That’s ridiculous.”
“I don’t think that if someone needs to forgive to move past something, that it’s all that wrong. Just because you don’t believe in that, or it’s different than what you’d do for yourself, doesn’t make other methods invalid.”
“This piece of shit earned it,” I press. The feeling has crept from my chest to my gut and I’m more sure than ever that these are the words I need to say, however painful they are. If Loreena wants to hate me, then I can live with that, if only it helps her just a little. “He assaulted you. He made it so you could never live without fear again, because that night will always be in your mind.Always. If you don’t want the rest of your life to be like this, then take. It. Back. You have the power. Just one word. That’s it, and it’s done. You don’t have to be so kind and sweet all the time. Unsheathe your claws. Dig your fucking teeth into it. Rage all you want.”
“Do you truly think I haven’t raged?” Loreena’s chest billows in and out. She’s angry, but nowhere near the level of even striding forward and smacking me for being such a dick. “It did zero good. All it did was poison me.”
“If I assault someone and I’m charged with that and found guilty, do I deserve my punishment in the eyes of the law.”
She shoots me a narrow-eyed look. “That’s not—”
“Do I deserve my punishment legally? Yes or no?”
“Yes,” she mutters. “But you’re not a courtroom. You’re not a jury, or a judge.”
“I don’t have to be. I can send him there and make enough evidence that he’ll be convicted. Just allow me to do that for you. I promised I wouldn’t do a thing without you telling me to do it.I won’t even find him because I gave you my word. I need you to tell me.”
“I can’t do that.”
I scramble off the couch, moving at last. I need space. Air. Time. Away from here. I’m not going to be able to change her mind, and if I can’t change that, if I can’t make a difference at all for her, if I can’t help her just a little bit, then what use am I? I wasn’t lying when I said I lost myself. I’m out here now, but for what purpose? To do fucking taxes and bullshit make work projects and not be able to help the one person who pulled me out of my darkest time and probably even saved my life?
