“Even if it’s not true, it’s a nice thought. You could make new memories. Ones of joy, laughter, friendship, and care.”
“Stop,” she pleads, shutting me right up with the heavy ache that fills up the space between us. “I can’t pretend that you’re not beautiful and sexy, and that you don’t smell good and that it doesn’t feel glorious whenever I’m next to you. I want to be better for you.” She studies the window like she wishes it would shatter and suck her outside so that it could all be over. All the trepidation and aching and painful agony.
I clasp her wrists and then her arms, her elbows, and her shoulders, reeling her into me little by little. I hold her loosely, in a hug that she could push out of if she wanted to. The last thing I want to do is force contact that is designed to help her feel good.
She doesn’t step away. She melts into me instead. Her body goes languid and all the air rushes out of her in a great sigh.
“I want you just the way you are,” I whisper near the shell of her ear. I do understand the desire to be better. I want to be more than a jobless ex-con with nothing to my name, and a decade of prison behind me.”
“You’re so much more than that. And you have a job.” She tries for humor, but I can hear the tears in her voice.
I’m so close that all I’d have to do is sweep my face next to hers and bend a little in order to claim her lips. But claim is the wrong word. I don’t want to take anything from Loreena. I wantto give. To help her heal. To be right beside her so she can lean on me. It would be an honor to share her sorrows, her joys, her triumphs, and the honest moments of her heart when it needs to be picked up and sheltered before it tries again.
She tilts her face up but presses the rest of her body tightly against me like she needs my warmth. I brush my fingertips down her cheek, to her jaw. She arches into that too. My chest aches. My heart hurts. My entire body wants all of her, but wanting isn’t enough.
I need this to be right, or I’ll only hurt her further.
She’s so vulnerable, and she’s letting me stand here with her and see it all. I’m already bearing it with her.
“I want to go outside,” she whimpers. “Even if I know it’s not time yet. I- I just- Iwant. So. Badly.”
“Shh.” I sweep her around and she turns with me. She’s so attuned to my movements that it’s like we’ve already spent a lifetime together. I wrap my arms around her and hold her from behind, swaying with her gently. I let her stare out the window. We’re silhouetted in it. It’s so dark that the glass is more like a mirror than it is a portal to anything out there.
Her lashes sweep up and down as she studies us. Her hands grasp mine and lock them around her waist. She holds onto me as though she’s drowning. She sucks in a shuddering breath and closes her eyes. I drop my chin to her neck and nuzzle into her. She rests her head back on my shoulder, letting me. She’s sweet. No perfume, but she smells so soft and pretty. Jasmine, honey, and vanilla. I can still see her in the window, eyes closed, leaning on me completely, so unguarded. So damn sweet. She’s exquisite in every way. I never dreamed that I’dhave a moment in my life like this. I never once ever thought that I’d ever have anything half this wonderful.
“Can you sing?” she whispers.
My eyes pop fully open. “What?”
“Can you sing?”
“Not a chance.”
“Can you hum?”
“Uh… I can probably hum. I don’t think it takes any special training.”
I watch her lips curl into a soft, contented smile. The frantic, sad, almost desperate energy has faded. I realize that her hand is curled into a fist. I slip mine down from her waist and work my fingers over the tight ball. She relaxes as I work her fingers open. I bring her hand to my lips and place a kiss in the center of her palm. I can’t think of any song except for the old nursery rhymes from when I was a kid.
I start intorow, row, row your boatand Loreena giggles. I don’t know what I’m doing except that I start swaying and she comes along with me, her body mirroring mine because we’re pressed so close together. I’m more than okay with making a fool of myself for her. I can’t sing or dance, and I can barely even hum, but that’s okay. As long as she keeps smiling.
As soon as I finish the song, her lips flatline, taking my heart with them. Her eyes pop open and she studies the window again, naked yearning mixed with intense pain plain on her reflection.
“Close your eyes,” I whisper. She shivers when my breath hits her ear. “In prison every single night, I told myself the samething. I went through a list, chanting it like a prayer, to remind myself who I was and who I wasn’t. In ten years, I was bound to forget. I’d tell myself that I am my mother’s son. She was a good woman. She told me to find the good in the world and fight for it. She was proud of me, even if I wasn’t perfect. I was her son while I was in there, and I’d be her son when I got out, and no matter what, I’d always make sure she could look down on me and be proud of the man I was, am, and will be.”
“My family’s not proud of me,” Loreena protests. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
I tighten my arms around her. “I’mproud of you. Scythe, Lockwood, the women, and the men at the club—they’re all proud of you.”
“They’re not,” she groans. “Why would they be? They don’t even know me, and I haven’t done anything yet other than exist in this house and say things they can’t even comprehend.”
“Close your eyes,” I instruct again. “When things got back for me on the inside, when the chanting didn’t work and I didn’t feel right, I’d take a moment and just breathe. In and out.”
“Breathing doesn’t work all that well for me.”
I inhale deeply and let my breath out slow and loud, emphasizing it for her. Eventually, she follows, even if the first one is about as sassy and sarcastic as breath can be.
“I don’t give a shit if this is avoidance or shoving stuff down or whatever. This is what kept me going. It’s just you and me here in this kitchen. Just breathe and feel your body. Feel your limbs. They’re heavy. They’re perfect. You’re exactly who you’re meant to be in this moment. It won’t last forever, but in the next moment and the next, you’re safe. There is nothing else.Just the breath, and you. You’re a part of the earth. The wind. The sky. You’re tethered to the ground, but your soul is free. It knows no time or boundaries. There are no clocks, no minutes, no months, no years. There is no yesterday or tomorrow. Just here. Now. Just you and your breath. You exist. You matter. You’ve known love and you will know it again. You’re at peace. You are peace. With every breath.
