“It changed everything about who I was. I left the hospital, and I had my first panic attack as soon as I stepped outside.” I start to fiddle with the hem of my sweater. I know it’s a nervous habit. I’m half expecting Lockwood to mention something about it, but he just waits and lets me gather my thoughts. “Whatever plans I had were over. I couldn’t have a normal life. The doctorscouldn’t find anything wrong with me past bruises. They said I was lucky. They had no idea.”
“You stopped planning for the future.”
“I had to, at least temporarily.”
“You started hiding.”
“I guess so. In a way.”
“You found a safe place, and you’ve been there ever since.”
“It doesn’t feel all that safe, and I don’t want to be there.” I dig my fingernails into my kneecap to ground myself. “I think I see that I need to shock myself out of it.”
“How do you think you could do that?”
“It’s not going to be by sticking a knife into an electrical socket. It’s not that kind of shock.” At least Lockwood humors me with a wry laugh. It gives me the courage to try and sort through the rest of my complicated thoughts. “I thought that I’d die if I went too far from the apartment. I was so sure that I’d pass out and just stop breathing. Or that I’d pass out and be unguarded and that anyone could come and do anything they’d want to me.”
“If you found yourself surrounded by people who are strong enough to see you through every state of panic, including the aftermath, do you think you could do it?”
“That’s not a cure. That might only hurt me worse than I’ve already been hurt. It’s masochistic.”
“You might find yourself surprised, though. You’ve made it this far, and you didn’t think that you could. It might not be acure, but it might be a very big step towards trending in the right direction.”
There’s something funny about hearing Lockwood say the word trending. I have no idea why.
“Maverick,” I breathe, thinking about our conversation from last night.
A shiver rips through my body at the memory of what it felt like to be curled entirely around his big frame. I haven’t been beside someone that way in almost as long as I can remember. The way he held me after, just sitting quietly with me in the echo of his concern, his anger, and his promise… that wasn’t like anything I’ve ever known. It was the most intimate experience of my life. It was an honor.
“I can’t put this on him.”
“What if he’d like you to lean on him? What if he honestly wants to be there for you and doesn’t see that as burdensome or troublesome? You can’t do this alone. I think that’s the one constant that’s been a factor for all these years. You haven’t had the support you’ve needed. If you were to take yourself so far from shelter that you had no choice but to endure it, even for just ten minutes to start, what do you think would happen?”
“I’d shut down. I’d implode. I’d throw up. Hyperventilate. Pass out.”
“And if there was a protective circle of people around you to ensure you’d be okay through it and after it?”
“Do you think that would work?”
Duh. He just said that it might trend in the right direction.
“It could. You wouldn’t just wing it. Scythe is trained in first aid, as are many of the other men in the club.”
“He’s such a fearsome looking man, but so kind.” My face gets hot when I realize that I said that out loud.
“If you have fearsome men on your side, who do you have to fear?”
“That seems like an odd thing for a therapist to say.”
“I’m not a regular therapist.” Lockwood smiles kindly at me. “I can’t guarantee this would work, but it might be a start. At the very least, you’d be sure to break and shake some of those old patterns, and when they’re not your safe place anymore, you’ll have to find somewhere else to shelter you, and maybe that shelter is right out there in the open, under the sun.”
“I gave up hope for anything resembling a normal life, and that included having a partner. I became a lawyer so I could help people, and that’s filled up my days. I guess I’ve used it like a crutch, but I told myself that it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to ask them to share my life with me. Share would have been such a joke of a word. But if this works, or if I can just start to get better… hoping is sometimes so bittersweet. It can be so cruel.”
“I’d never tell anyone to take things a day at a time. I’d say instead, never lose your sense of wonder.” Somehow, coming from Lockwood, that doesn’t sound corny as shit. “Keep making new patterns for yourself. That’s what’s important. Expect this change, like all others, to come with a fair amount of pain. None of it will be easy.”
“You’re telling me.”
“But it will be possible. I truly believe that. I’ve seen people come back. People who the world would have written offcompletely as being too far gone. Men so far over the brink that they had to claw their way up a sheer cliff face to even reach that edge they stepped off of.”
