She’s probably right about that. That’s probablyexactlywhat her body was trying to do, in order to protect her.
“And then when I did, I felt like it was too late. With everything that was happening, I felt that if I tried to get to the police station and I arrived looking like I did, after having six panic attacks, they wouldn’t believe me. Even if they did, it would be my word against his. There was no evidence. None of his blood. I didn’t scratch him. There was nothing to link him to me.”
“There could have been security-”
“Maybe, but I don’t think so. He seemed too smart for that.”
“There’s more than one way to bring someone down. I’m not going to figure out who the man is who assaulted you and go out and shoot him in the face or beat his brains in, as much as I want to. I could find him. Online.” I don’t know the whole story, but this is already more than I ever thought she’d tell me. It’s clearly more than she wanted to say.
Her lips draw into a thin line and a frown slashes across her brow. “That’s exactly what I don’t want you getting mixed up with. Someone like that, he probably has powerful friends. You mess with one and all of a sudden, you’re the one who’s paying. It all comes toppling down, but not forthem. I don’t want to be the reason you go back to prison. This happened years ago.”
“And you’re still paying the price for something that wasn’t your fault. You’re the victim.”
She walks over and snaps the lamp on so that she’s sure I’m seeing her. Shockingly, she sinks down to her knees right in front of me. My hands shoot out to try and tug her up, but she grasps them and holds them tight in hers.
Yeah. I’m going a whole lot of nowhere. The pleading, earnest, pained expression on her face pins me right in place.
“I’m tired of being the victim,” she spits. “I’ve been tired of it for a very long time. That’s the most frustrating point. That I’ve moved past that night in my head, mostly, but I can’t force myself to move past my apartment.”
“You did, though. You did move past it. You’re here with me.” Her hands flex against mine.
“And you’re here with me.”
“The cats and Scythe too, and his club, if we wanted them. This isn’t like before for you, and it’s not like before for me either.”
“I’ve told you the last thing I wanted to ever tell you.” Her throat bobs with a swallow that sounds painful. “I haven’t given you enough details, but even still, I know that you’re smart enough, talented enough, and obsessed enough, to try and find this guy. Please don’t. I’m not just asking you. I’ll beg you.”
“Don’t beg me. I wouldn’t do something you asked me not to do.”
“I don’tneedjustice. I can givemyselfclosure.”
“What if it would stop him, though? Stop him from doing this to anyone else. What if I was careful?”
“That’s exactly what I thought you’d think and say. That’s how it all starts. I don’t want him to hurt anyone else! I truly don’t.” Her head whips back and forth and her nails dig in desperately against my hands. “I wouldn’t wish what I’ve endured on anyone else in the entire world. But I wouldn’t wish for you to go back to prison or have someone evil coming after you, hunting you, hurting you and all the people you care about.”
“I’d protect you.”
“I’m not afraid for me. I’m afraid for my parents. My sister. Sylvie. Anyone else I may have come into contact with that they could trace. Please.Please, you have to just leave it alone.”
She’s growing more distressed. The only thing I can do is agree, even if it’s the last thing that I feel is right. Even if it kills me, this isn’t about me. It’s not about what I want or my moral compass. It’s about Loreena. She bows her head over our joined hands. She doesn’t have to say another word. God, I can’t standfor her to beg me. She might change her mind later, or maybe she won’t, but this is her choice. I can’t go behind her back and do this for her. Making that decision might destroy her worse than the initial trauma ever did. I don’t know, because I still don’t know the full story. She’s going to need time to tell it, and that time isn’t right now.
“Okay.” I lean forward to help her up.
She lets me wrap my arms around her. She nestles her head onto my shoulder. Her breaths come too rapid and too forceful, but within a few minutes, they smooth out. I could listen to her breathe for the rest of my life.
“Okay?” she breathes, disbelief coloring her tone. “Or okay for right now?”
My lungs compress, forcing all the breath out of them. “I’ll never do anything you don’t want me to do, but if you should ever ask me for any kind of help in the future, no matter what it is, I’ll be there for you.”
It’s the most honest answer that I can give, and when her breath unspools in a long sigh, I know that she appreciates that I didn’t lie to her.
I don’t know how long she’ll let me hold her for, our body heat blending together, our hearts beating so close. The world might say we only have letters, an afternoon, and a single twenty-four hour span between us, but that’s not true.
Fate can go fuck itself, but this is the one time that I even half believe that I was made entirely to end up right here, right now, to exist right next to another person.
Chapter 11
Loreena
