I grab for the chair closest to me, drag it out, and flop down into it. “I know, but I- I can’t stop thinking that how I choose to react to it is.”
“Don’t lose hope. You’ve done incredible things with your life where most people would have just folded and broken.”
“How is this not being broken?”
“You’re making a difference in the world.” As soon as the kettle clicks off, Sylvie grabs the tin of tea from the back of my counter and puts two big scoops into a teapot, then sets it down on the table beside the books. She makes everything look so efficient, including setting a mug in front of me and one in front of the chair across from mine, as well as the silver tea strainer.
“It doesn’t matter that it’s just from these walls,” she says as she sits. “You donate tons of money to all those rescues. You haven’t lost the desire totry, even when things don’t work the way you want them to. You gave Pumpkin and Sprite a home.Neither of them would be here if you hadn’t donated the money for their care.”
I know that’s true, but anyone can donate money if they have it. Pumpkin and Sprite are both in the living room, nestled on their favorite blanket on the couch. It happens to be my favorite too, so we all share. I paid for their vet care, and it did save their lives a few years ago, when they were two sick little kittens, but ever since, they’ve been the one bright spot in even my worst days.
“You’re the best cat mom in the world. Plus, you’ve changed Maverick’s life. You’ve been writing to him forfouryears.”
I duck my head, sucking in a breath. Maverick isn’t a secret, but I haven’t said anything about his upcoming release.
“You were the one who encouraged him to get his GED and get involved with the programs in prison. I know they’re just letters, but you’re a voice of goodness that he wouldn’t have had otherwise.” Sylvie holds up her hand when I try to protest, flashing two cows, a donkey, and a chicken getting beamed up from her nails. “Don’t tell me it’s just one person. The world can be hella changed by a single individual.”
“Don’t I know it.” I clutch my hands in my lap and breathe shallowly through my nose.
“Honey. Hey. Talk to me.”
My head snaps up, but only because I can’t stand for Sylvie to sound distressed.
“You were glowing when I got here. Something’s changed. You never did say what it was, and I know it’s not the yoga.”
“Maverick is being released next week.” It’s a hard admission. My face is hot. I’ve had no interest in men sinceithappened. Even if I wanted to share my life with someone, it’s nearly impossible to even consider romance when you can’t go outside.
People want someone they can grow with. Do life with. Travel, explore, share experiences with. They want someone for photos and for memories. That someone can never be me.
“Oh my god! That’s incredible.”
“Well, he’s served his time.” I reach for the teapot and pour the hot liquid over the tea strainer. “He didn’t get out early or anything.”
“No, I guess not, but because of you, he’s a different man. He has you in his life, so maybe he has a chance.” I pour for Sylvie too, which leaves her free to study my face. “Wait. Why do you have that look?”
“I don’t know that having me in his life is the right thing.” My eyes sting with unshed tears. I set the teapot down and make eye contact with the stack of books in the middle of the table. “We made good pen pals, and getting involved with the prison’s program was one of the best things I’ve ever done, but this isn’t… that. It’s real life.” I need to be fully honest, but putting the words out there make themreal. “He doesn’t know that I live this way. What if he finds out and he’s so disgusted that it negates everything I’ve ever written to him? Having him judge me and shun me would be…” I clutch my hands under the table, palms damp, heart throbbing painfully. “I just… I don’t know if I could stand that.”
Sylvie doesn’t seem the least bit appalled, as though holding back details of my personal life is perfectly reasonable.“You could just set up one of those mailing addresses that’s not real so you could keep writing to him and he could respond, but he wouldn’t know where you live.”
I had thought of that, but Maverick’s in jail for a very specific crime. “Unfortunately, there’s this thing called the internet. I’m not afraid that he’ll find me. That’s the last thing I’m worried about. I mean, I am, but not because I’m afraidofhim.”
“I know, honey.”
Maverick served a decade in jail because he got in with the wrong kind of people, did some sketchy shit online that defrauded even worse people, and got caught. He was trying to be a hero, but that only matters in fairy tales.
“I know that if Maverick wants to find me, he will. I’ll just give my address and save him the time. He has almost no family left. Just a second cousin that he’s going to stay with when he’s released. He’ll have a solid place to go, and he’ll find him a job. He’ll make new friends and have good people in his life. He’ll probably forget that I even exist.”
I really do think that’s the best thing that could happen for him. I’d miss him terribly, and honestly, I’m not sure I could withstand another loss like that, but I would. I’d have to. I wish I could say that I’d move on, but I know that in reality, I’d be here, trapped in this endless loop of mundane nothingness. If anything is going to make me lose my sanity, it’sthat.
“That’s not going to happen,” Sylvie says with real conviction. “He’s going to want to meet you, if he does anything other than adore you, understand you, and accept you exactly as you are, then he’s an idiot.”
That’s the last thing that Maverick is, and maybe that’s the problem.
Just because I haven’t allowed myself to gothereand imagine a relationship with him because I’m far too damaged doesn’t mean that we don’t have a deep emotional connection. I know he’d feel half responsible for fixing me. It’s not possible. I’ve triedeverything.
“I just don’t want to be another person in his life who disappoints him.”
Unbelievably, Sylvie snorts. “He’s a grown ass man. The world fails all of us. People disappoint us. We’re ultimately responsible for the things that we do.”
