“You can,” I soothe. I count with her. It’s easy, since my heart is thudding so hard that I can feel it against her fingertips. “One. Two. Three. Four. Five.”
Her hands stay there when I lift my hand up. I bury it in her hair, caressing the silky auburn strands.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. You can breathe. You can do it. In and out. Steady. Count my heartbeats. One. Two. Three. Count and breathe.” I show her, breathing in deeply and releasing for a few seconds.
I know that I’m no savior. I’m not a hero. I tried to help once, and I lost a decade of my life for my trouble.
I’m here because the second I looked into Loreena’s eyes when she said the wordagoraphobia, I saw her pain. She was already retreating, steeling herself against the betrayal she was sure was coming. She was so certain that I’d leave her alone, alone, alone.
She’s not alone. I need her to know that. I need her to understand that she’s amazing. She’s capable of so much more than she knows. I’m not giving up on her. Not now. Not ever. Through her letters, she was there for me in my darkest moments, when I’d all but given up hope. She got me through. She never stopped writing. She never would have. I want to offer her the same security. The same feeling. I want to ground her, anchor her, protect her. I want to know her, and I want to give her a chance to know herself.
The counting and the breathing does work. Not much, but a little.
“Give me the sleeping pills,” she hisses out between breaths. “I don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to be this way. You were right. I didn’t die, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t. I need them. I need…you.”
“Loreena, I—”
“Are you having second thoughts? It’s a little late for that,” she laughs bitterly. “You’ve already kidnapped me. I assume you were expecting at least some kind of resistance, or am I not worth the trouble after all? You can still return me. Just take me back. I’ll hold onto you. I won’t look. I won’t die. I can make it if you take me.”
Her acidic tone jars me, ripping at my skin like her nails did as panic gripped her. “I’m not having second thoughts. I just want you to be sure.”
Her eyes lock with mine. I don’t blink and neither does she. They finally narrow, assessing me, staring straight down into my soul.
“I didn’t think it was possible to get this far,” she admits. Her bottom lip trembles. “Maybe you’re right and I’m wrong. It’s all been lies, all this time. I know that. I know it’s irrational. I do want to get better. I want to see the sky through something other than glass. I want to do something with my life. I don’t want it to have been stolen from me. I want a choice. I never got to have one. Can you give me that?”
“I want to.” If there’s one thing that I do, I want it to be this. I want to give her freedom. I want her to have her life back.
“Then give them to me.”
The world is tilting. It’s fucked up and confused. My head swims and spins. She’s changed her mind? She seems entirelyresolute now that she’s made a decision. She’s going to just give into me taking her?
“Give me the sleeping pills and as soon as they start working, get the cats. Put them in their carriers. Don’t forget their food and litter boxes. You’ll have to bag it all up. I need a bag too. I need clothes and my laptop and my phone. Oh, and my makeup bag from the bathroom.”
I reel back as the world tilts wildly again.Imight actually fucking pass out. “Are you actually agreeing to this?”
She bites down hard on her bottom lip. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing stopped because my life almost ended and it won’t stop if this just about kills me too. The cats need me. They don’t have anyone else to care for them. I need you to get them. I still need to be able to work. I can’t disappoint my clients. Iwon’t.”
“I’ll get everything.”
Her lips arch into a sarcastic, angry, cutting smile. “Such a considerate kidnapper. Please tell me you read the dosing on the sleeping pills.”
“Yes. I can give you two. They go under the tongue.”
“Mmm. Quick ones. That’s nice.”
“I’ll stay right here with you until you fall asleep. I’ll protect you.”
“You can’t protect me from my own mind, Maverick.”
“I can and I will. You’re safe with me.”
“On second thought, the pills probably won’t work. They never do. I’ve tried all the ones you’re supposed to take to curea panic attack, and they don’t even take the edge off. You might have to knock me out.”
“I’m not going to knock you out!”
“Step away from the door and just let me have a panic attack until I pass out again.”
“I’m not going to do that either. You were out for five minutes and that was five minutes too many. It scared the fuck out of me.” I was scared every night when I was in jail. It never got better. I still hear the sounds. Footsteps in the hall, metal on metal, the yelling, but in the end, I got used to it in a way. This is something entirely different.
