Never meant to survive the attack.
I should have died then.
I’m going to die now.
This man who I trusted, who I thought about endlessly for years, who I wanted to know, the one man I ever thought about opening myself up to, and did, pouring out words straight from my battered soul—he’s doing this to me. He’s betraying me in the worst way.
I try doubly hard to breathe, but it only makes my head swim. I’m trying too hard. I know that. I know my exercises, but they’re useless. I need air. I need to breathe. I need to think. I need to get free.
My stomach rises up again, slamming all the way up onto my tongue. It’s all acid. I can’t bend, so I cough and gag, strings of spittle dripping from my lips. I can’t even throw up properly. I’m not a real person. There’s more animal in me than there is humanity.
I’m liquid. A black haze. Floating. My body is too light.
There’s steel at my midsection. Chains. A metal band holding me together. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me from flying away, up to the sky. No, no, not the sky. Not the sky. I love the sky from the window. I wish I could be up there, going away on a plane, seeing some foreign place that would be so much better than the photos. But being outside underneath it will kill me. Don’t we all wish for the very thing that will harm us? Don’t we all have a sick fascination and a morbid curiosity?
The steel bands aren’t steel. It’s an arm. The solid form at my back isn’t a wall. I’m not pressed up against anything. It’s him. He’s come for me and he’s going to take me out of here.
“You can’t… you… I’ll… pass out.”
“If you do, it’ll save me the trouble of having to drug you.”
What the fuck?
“Nothing scary. Just a few sleeping pills,” he adds, like that’s going to help.
“You can’t I… can’t.”
“I’ll blindfold you. The fear won’t get you. It won’t eat you up.” His voice is so deep. So calm. So sure. So soothing. He’s just been standing here this whole time, quiet, holding me, so fucking goddamn confident. “I won’t let it. I’ll protect you. I’ll be your shield until we’re in the truck and then we’ll be gone. By the time you wake up, you’ll be somewhere new. A new life, a new experience. You’ll have done it. Nothing will happen to you other than the panic. You just have to feel it, let it rise, and let it pass. I know what it’s like to have your oxygen completely cut off. You think you won’t get through it. I never thought I’d live through ten years on the inside, but now that’s over. I’m out. I’m a different man than I was when I went in, but I survived everything I thought I couldn’t. You will too.”
“I’m going to pass out,” I pant again as the black rushes up. It’s everywhere. No longer just contained to the corners of my eyes. It’s a shield, a wall, the night moved in. It’s in here with me, closing over me.
“Don’t be afraid.” His voice, gentle, but strong. So, so sure. “Let it happen. When you wake up, all of this will be different. It will all be better. You’ll find out that you’re stronger than you ever knew.”
I’ll wake up wherever he’s taking me.
I don’t want to surrender. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to wake up, endlessly broken. A new location. Thesame damage. The same shattered heart and mind and life. I have no say in it. None of it. Not the past, not right now, not how hard I’ve fought or how many times I’ve tried to get beyond the door. Not the sky or the night or the day, or the terrible things that people are capable of. Not Maverick. He wouldn’t do that. Sometimes, his letters were the only thing that kept me going. He has a good soul. A kind heart. He cares too much. He wouldn’t do this, not to me.
But he is.
He’s here. He’s doing it.
I want to fight him. I want to beg and plead, and have him see me the way he always seemed to, from behind the thick walls that kept him captive.
He’s no longer a prisoner. I’m the captive now. There’s no fighting him. There’s only the dark, only black, only horror waiting for me.
Chapter 6
Maverick
I’m starting to think that this is a terrible idea.
Probably should have figured that out before you bound her in zip ties, made her black out in her apartment, and brought her outside, dipshit.
Especially as her eyes flutter open when I’m not even halfway to the truck yet.
Loreena goes from passed out and limp to full on fight mode in a split second. She wrenches in my arms, bucking hard, her whole body jackknifing while I’m trying to hold her tight. She makes those horrible gasping and gurgling noises, trying to get air and not succeeding, like she did upstairs in her apartment. Her eyes are wide and ringed in fear. I didn’t blindfold her. After she passed out, I basically panicked and stormed out of her apartment, needing to get her in the truck before I could change my mind.
I only mean to distract her, to cut off the panic attack before it even starts, but as soon as my lips touch hers, the kiss bursts into flame. Her hands scrabble against my face, tugging me into her. She angles her face so that I can claim her. My tongue slips into her mouth, lashing against hers. She whimpers into the kiss, but it’s not a sound of impending doom. She relaxes into it, her body going limp. The only way she’s not placid is the way that she kisses me back. Her tongue chases mine, matching my ferocity and feeding me some back.
