Chapter 14
Kendall
Liam’s jaw works as he glances at the floor. A second later, he looks up at me again.
“My coaches had an agreement with the university. I didn’t have to study. I just had to show up to class and pretend like I was paying attention. I had to take the tests, but it never mattered how well I did. My professors and teachers would always give me a passing grade, no matter what.”
My jaw is on the floor as he tells me this. “Are you serious?”
He nods. Shame flashes in his soft blue eyes. “I’ve never told anyone about it. The guys on the team knew too because they got the same treatment. We never talked about it though. It was like an unspoken rule. We focus on playing hard for the hockey team and winning championships, and the school would take care of the rest.”
For a second, all I can do is stare at him, I’m so shocked. I had no clue.
“Wait, does Aidan know?”
He shakes his head. “Our coaches told us not to tell anyone because the school and the team could get into a lot of trouble if it got out that they were giving passing grades to their star athletes.” He tugs a hand through his hair. “It’s not like I’d everwant Aidan to find out. I know he’d think pretty poorly of me if he knew I was a fraud.”
“Liam, you’re not a fraud. It honestly sounded like a systemic problem. Your coaches and the school administration encouraged you to do that. It probably was going on for years. If you had tried to push back against them, you could have jeopardized your standing on the team.”
He’s quiet for a second. “I guess I never thought about it that way. I was just so focused on hockey. I was willing to do whatever it took to be the best player I could be so I could go pro.”
We’re both silent for a long moment.
“I knew it was wrong. But it’s not like I was ever a good student. I never cared about school as a kid. I never got impressive grades. I’m not smart. I’m not like Aidan. Hockey is the only thing I’ll ever be good at. Even my dad thinks that.”
I stand there, quiet as this big, strong guy I’ve known for years confesses his biggest secret to me.
“Wait, your dad said that to you? That you’re not good at anything other than hockey?”
Liam shakes his head. “No, not like that. But it was pretty easy to figure out that’s what he thought about me. Once he saw that I was good at hockey, he zeroed in on that. He told me that I should focus on only hockey so I could be the best player on my team and so that I could make it pro someday. And, I mean, I wanted that too. It was my dream my whole life to play hockey professionally. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But sometimes I just wish that I could be good at more than just that.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “I’m not going to be able to play hockey forever.” He hesitates. “Thinking about that screws with my head sometimes. That’s why I messed up my part of the engagement party. I hurt my knee during training that week and freaked out, thinking I had injured myself and messed upmy career. I couldn’t handle talking to anyone or thinking about anything else. I just kind of shut down. But the pain went away, and I was okay. Thankfully.”
I’m quiet as I listen to him admit this to me. I thought Liam was just ignoring me that week because he was selfish, but he was in the middle of a breakdown.
“Most guys at the pro level don’t play past their mid-thirties,” he says. “That’ll be me in a handful of years. And then what will I do? I’m only good at hockey. Nothing else.” He clears his throat. “That’s why I always say yes to fans when they want an autograph or selfie. Even though I know it’s annoying for the people I’m out with.”
I think about how he stopped mid-argument to take a selfie with his fans. And I walked out on him.
“I don’t know how long hockey will last for me. I wanna make the most of it,” he says softly. “It would be nice to know that I could do something else at some point. Like how Aidan went into teaching. But I’ll never be able to do that. I’m not smart enough.”
I take in the embarrassment and sorrow in his gaze. How he speaks so harshly about himself. I never knew he compared himself to his brother like that. They never seemed competitive with each other in that way. It was always obvious that Liam was the better hockey player, but that didn’t seem to bother Aidan. He always seemed aware of it. And I remember Aidan was happy to focus on school when he gave up hockey.
But I never knew that Liam felt so insecure about how he performed in school. He’s always made jokes about how stupid he is, but I didn’t know that’s how he truly felt about himself.
“I didn’t know that about you, Liam. I’m sorry.” My chest aches. This wasn’t easy for him to tell me. I can see how much it upsets him to admit all this.
“That’s why I was always so happy to hang out with you in college,” he says with a sad, shy smile. “You were a genius who could write a ten-page paper in an hour. You read all these books I’d never heard of. Every time you spoke, you used all these SAT words I didn’t know the meaning of. I couldn’t believe that you gave me the time of day.”
Warmth pools in the center of my chest. I never knew he thought all that about me. I just figured he hung out with me because I was friends with his brother.
Liam’s smile turns more relaxed. “One time I heard you and Aidan talking about readingWar and Peace,so I started reading it so I could impress you and say something smart about it the next time you brought it up. I made it through one chapter before I gave up.”
My mouth parts open in shock. Liam did all that to try and impress me in college?
“You did?”
He nods, his cheeks burning red. “Pretty embarrassing, huh?”
