It’s incredibly hard not to inhale Ivy’s sweet scent. It’s only a two hour flight, but Ivy is already dozing off. Her long night, and stressful morning has clearly caught up to her. Her head starts to bob, and she jolts back awake a couple times, before her body finally yields to her exhaustion.
Her head gently lands against my shoulder, and I hear her let out a deep sigh through her nose. It's unconscious, but it’s like her body knows where it belongs. Friends think that way, right? I peek over to checkon Lilah. She’s still watching the movie I downloaded on my phone for her.
“You good, bug?” I whisper to her over Ivy’s head.
She looks over at me and nods, smiling. My eyes drop to her lap and I see Ivy’s hand clutching hers. Their fingers are intertwined and resting on Lilah’s legs. My breath stalls in my throat. I try to shove the undeniable feeling it gives me, far, far away, then I go through the mental list I’ve created with the reasons why Ivy and I would be a bad idea—like I do pretty much every day.
I refuse to participate in my daughter losing another important female figure in her life. Though Delilah doesn’t remember her mom, she still knows she lost her, and still asks about her all the time. Her affection for Ivy hasn’t gone unnoticed by me. I know it’s her subconscious need for that relationship, and Ivy has taken it on with stride, even if she’s unaware she’s doing it.
I’m utterly terrified of losing someone close to me, to Lilah, again. The thought that someone could be taken away in the blink of an eye—the fear paralyzes me. Better to take the possibility out of the equation entirely.
Sarah and I were inseparable from the time we were ten, up until she left us. She was the best friend anyone could’ve asked for. We were there for each other through elementary, middle, and high school. We even went to the same damn college. Losing her was my worst nightmare, and I swore to myself I’d never put myself in that position again.
People always assumed we were a couple, and when we were young, it wasn't something we normally corrected, considering not everyone knew about Sarah’s preference for her own gender. She came out to me as bi-sexual in high school, but always seemed like she had more interest in women. She didn’t come out to her family until our freshman year of college, and those assholes had more than a negative reaction.
They ultimately disowned their own daughter, and to this day, have had zero interest in getting to know their only granddaughter. But my parents did what they could to fill that void for Sarah. I miss her so much. Not a day goes by where I don’t wish I could tell her what our daughter is like.
I know she would call me an idiot for pushing people away just because I’m scared of losing them, but the truth is, I don’t think I could survive that heartbreak again. I’m not sure what that would do to Delilah, and I sure as hell don’t want to find out.
I glance back down to sneak another look at their affection for one another. I squeeze my eyes shut, and lean my head back against the seat. I can’t shake the feeling that this is hopeless.
I’m a rock being pulled into her orbit with no escape, and I’m finding I have zero desire to resist.
————
We get to the hotel just after five, and the two very opinionated mouths that are accompanying me make it known that they’re starving. We drop our stuff haphazardly before I take their room service order. I give Lilah a bath, and pray she doesn’t catch a cold from the airport and plane germs she undoubtedly ingested.
When the room service arrives, we all set up our food on the small table by the window in mine and Lilah’s suite. Lilah is on my lap, snuggled into my shoulder, and eating her chicken tender half asleep. Ivy is eating her burger, looking at my daughter with an amused smile on her lips. It’s quiet in the room, save for the soft hum of the air conditioner.
“What time do you leave tomorrow morning?” Ivy asks, interrupting my thoughts of doing this with them every night.
“Ten. I should be back by six. I’ll do my best to get out of there as soon as I can. I only have three clients, so it should be an easy day, unless I get some walk-ins.”
She waves me off. “No worries. I was going to take Delilah to the indoor pool. Then there’s a children’s museum I looked up. It's just around the corner. Don’t feel you have to rush, we can keep ourselves busy.”
I close my eyes. God damn it. “I forgot her bathing suit. Fuck.” This beautiful, sweet woman has this fun day planned for my daughter, and I didn’t even think to bring her bathing suit.
“Oh. Um, don’t worry. Ikindofboughtusmatchingones,” she says quickly and mumbled, I don’t quite catch what she says.
“What?”
She clears her throat. “I happened upon matching bathing suits that coincidentally were mine and Delilah’s size. They’re in my bag. So it’s covered, don’t worry.”
By the pink climbing up her neck, and how she won’t make eye contact with me, I’d say she’s embarrassed. My heart nearly bursts. The relief I feel that she has my daughter covered is overwhelming, regardless of how small the gesture might seem. It feels good having someone back me up. That I’m not the only one having to remember every single little thing.
I don’t say that, though. I tease her, because I want to see her squirm.
In my most taunting tone, I ask, “Youhappenedupon matching bathing suits, in yours and hers exact size?” I glance down to see Lilah passed out, chicken finger in hand and all. Her head is tipped back against me, mouth open, and snoring. She looks so much like Sarah when she sleeps.
“Yeah,” she says, lifting one shoulder and taking another bite of her food.
She’s trying so hard to be nonchalant.
“And byhappenedupon, you mean?” I bite down on my smile.
She huffs out a breath, slams her burger down onto her plate, and finally meets my gaze. “I ordered them, okay?” Her smile is starting to break through. “When you told me what hotel we were staying at, I looked it up and saw that it had an indoor pool and a water slide. So I got a little carried away, and found us matching bathing suits. I’ve had them for two weeks. Satisfied?” she says begrudgingly, then starts to laugh.
Oh, she has no idea. I know Delilah has formed a strong attachment to Ivy, but I’m starting to think it goes both ways.
