I couldn’t unremember the times I’d truly been in danger, the times when I couldn’t do anything but freeze and let it happen.
Graham’s expression shifted. It didn’t soften in pity like I’d expected. Instead, it grew more intense as he locked his gaze on mine. “You are more than capable.” He sounded more confidentthan he should. “The more you practice, the more instinctive it’ll become. You’ll know what to do.”
I looked away, catching my reflection again in the mirrors. The bruise on my lip was somehow even more stark against my skin.
“I just…” The words came out like gravel. “I tend to freeze. Even though I know what Ishoulddo—scream, fight, run away. Anything.” My voice was half apology, half confession. The shame burned like acid. Saying it aloud felt like exposing a raw nerve.
He didn’t look surprised. He didn’t look disappointed, either. He simply nodded once, like a man receiving a fact he could work with.
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of,” he said, and I almost scoffed. “It’s a thing your body learned to do.” He let that sit between us a second, then added, “But it can be retrained. We don’t unlearn overnight. We build something new to lean on.”
My hands clenched, nails cutting crescents into my palms. I didn’t want to acknowledge the seed of hope his words sowed inside my chest. A hope I’d never been able to reap.
When I didn’t reply, he asked, “Is it okay if we begin?”
I nodded, though I wasn’t at all sure.
Graham pulled back his shoulders. “First,” he said, voice calm, but steady. “Breath.” He stepped toward me, close, but not touching.
I blinked up at him, confused. “Breath?”
“Yes,” he said, confidently. “Breathwork calms the nervous system and can give the physical and mental space to use the self-defense tools you’ve trained.”
I continued to look at him with skepticism. Breathing was the last thing I was focused on during an attack, but I didn’t argue with him.
He raised a hand, palm toward me. “Can I touch you?”
I ignored the way the question suddenly made my stomach swoop, and nodded.
“It all starts here.” He placed a hand on the middle of my chest, his touch light and warm. “Feel the way your lungs fill. Notice the beating of your heart. Match my breaths, okay? In for four, hold one, out for six.”
He pulled in steady breaths to the measured pace of the counts, and eventually I found myself copying him. In—hold—out. Again and again. The air slid slow and steady through my chest, and my hands unclenched on their own.
We continued like that for a while, before we changed breathing tactics, moving our hands to our stomachs and breathing deeply, eyes closed.
“Good,” Graham said, disrupting our breathing.
My eyes fluttered open. I did feel more relaxed, but we were in a training room. There was no real danger here.
“You should practice the breathing every day, at least twice. Eventually, it should be second nature.”
I raised a brow. “I’m sure all the bad guys will be terrified of my calm breathing,” I said before I could stop myself.
He pressed his lips together, fighting a smile.
“It’s just one piece of the strategy,” he said. “Next, we can work on voice.” He took three steps back. “Shout like you mean it. Not a whisper. Not a plea. One word—from the diaphragm. Tell me stop. Tell me no.Scream. Anything to get attention and distract. Try it.”
I stared at him with all the derisiveness the request deserved. “You want me to…yell at you?”
His eyes flickered, but I couldn’t quite read the expression in them. “Yes, with your whole chest.”
I shook my head. “No. That’s—silly.”
He stepped toward me again, close enough that I had to look up into his face. “I wouldn’t ask you to do something I thoughtwas silly or unhelpful. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to help you.” He stepped back again, and nodded encouragingly. “Now let me hear how loud you can be.”
I shifted on my feet, entirely too self-conscious, but he looked at me with so much belief and expectation that it wore me down.
After pulling in a few more of those deep breaths, I opened my mouth and…the sound that came out startled me with its rawness. It wasn’t pretty, and my cheeks singed with heat. It was small at first, but steady. My voice echoed around the gym.
