“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” He shook his head. “I knew I was going to, but I’m so damn selfish, I couldn’t keep away. There were a million red flags waving around, a million reasons why it was a bad idea to get involved, yet I fucking ignored them all.”
“There might’ve been very good reasons to keep your distance, but there was a stronger reason for us to be together.” I put my hand over my heart. “What feels right in here outweighs all the wrongs.”
Jagger wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I could barely breathe, but it didn’t matter; I would’ve stayed like this forever. It felt so good to be in his arms again. Too soon, though, he pulled back. He looked into my eyes for a long time before taking a deep breath.
“When I was six years old, I learned to pick the locks on mailboxes because my mother believed the government was sending all of our neighbors a letter about her. I would break into a dozen a day and bring my mother the mail I found, and she would burn it all in the bathtub. When I was twelve, I convinced the guy who owned the pizza place I was fifteen and got a job delivering pies on my bike in order to pay the rent because my mother hadn’t come home in a few weeks.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry.”
Jagger shook his head. “I’m not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me. I’m telling you because I want you to understand what having control means to me. Paying the rent meant I was certain to have a roof over my head, and burning the mail meant my mother might not ramble all night and I could sleep. But I was also a dumb kid with no one watching me, so I was out of control. When I was a teenager, I got arrested four times in a year, and I wound up going into the Marines because it was that or prison. I hated the military when I first enlisted, but as time went on, I grew to appreciate the rules and order. And I realized if I did what I was told, I’d move up in the ranks, which meant I got to be the one making the rules instead of listening to them. But I never fully understood the gravity of what could happen when I fucked up.”
He looked down, and when he looked back up, there were tears in his eyes. “I met my buddy John Nelson in boot camp. We had a team of men we were responsible for,but John always deferred to me when it came to tactical decisions. One assignment, we were supposed to be checking a village, making sure no insurgents were hiding out. We’d been there two days, and the only things around were a bunch of families and happy kids who liked to play jump rope. The night before we were supposed to leave, I made the stupid decision to let our men make a fire. I still have no idea what the hell I was thinking.”
He paused, and his eyes became distant. It made me wonder if he was reliving what had happened.
“I woke up to gunshots. Insurgents had captured three of our men, including John. When I came running, they caught me. And they made me watch them execute each one of them.” Jagger closed his eyes and continued. “They put the barrel of the gun in each of their mouths and pulled the trigger like they weren’t even human.”
“Oh, God.” Tears streamed down my face.Just like he was going to do to Silas.
“I almost became the same thing they were.”
“But you didn’t do it, Jagger. You didn’t.”
“I’m fucked up, Sutton. You’re better off without me. Yet here I am again.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’m not better off without you. Just the opposite. I’m better because of you.”
***
Hours later, we were in the bedroom lying down. We’d spent the entire day talking. Jagger had told me a dozen stories about John Nelson, and I’d opened up about how closed off I’d become to everyone except Miles after what happened to me in college. It was like once we weren’tafraid to be honest with each other, we couldn’t stop sharing truths.
We’d both been up for more than twenty-four hours, and I knew when Jagger looked at the time on his phone that he needed to go home to his nieces soon. He brushed a lock of hair from my face. “Move in with me.”
“Isn’t this how we got ourselves into this mess to begin with? You asked me to stay with you, and you pushed me away when I wouldn’t.”
“I asked you to stay with me because I wanted to protect you. But now I’m asking for the right reasons. I’m asking because I realize my day is better when I wake up next to you.”
My heart melted. “That’s really sweet. And I’d like to move in with you. Soon. Just not right away.”
Jagger frowned. “Why not?”
“Because I’ve spent the last eight years being afraid, and I’m just starting to feel independent. When I walked home today, even just from the subway station, I felt different—freer knowing Silas can’t get to me anymore. I’m still healing, still figuring out who I am. And I want to do that outside of us.”
I could tell Jagger didn’t like not getting his way, yet he didn’t push. Though he wouldn’t have been the successful businessman he was if he didn’t try to negotiate. “How about two nights a week at my place?”
I smiled. “How about one, we exchange keys, and we can come and go from each other’s places whenever we want?”
“And we make the relationship public at work so I don’t have to keep my distance there since I won’t be coming home to you at night.”
“My internship doesn’t have that much time left anyway.”
“And then you’ll be in the executive training program.”
I sucked in my lower lip. “I’m not sure if I’m going to accept that offer yet.”
Jagger sat upright. “Why not?”
