Lansin continued to steer me forward. We reached a line that reminded me of the dining hall in the compound, but here, the options for a meal were much better. He pointed out what each was, and I picked something that looked familiar enough, so heheaped it on a plate for me. Then we headed for one of the many tables in here.
"My kids are like my dogs," he said, picking up where he'd left off. "I love them, Ayla. I wanted them, so I did what I could to have them. The difference is that women up here aren't required to be beholden to the man who fathers her children."
"But if she's raising them, then why do you want them?" I asked. "I know it's not as dangerous, but it's still painful!"
"And beautiful, too," he said. "Ayla, children are small people. They aren't an extension of me, no more than Holly is an extension of you. She might be yours, but she's a living, thinking creature, right?"
"She is," I said, looking down at where she was lying beside me. "She has a personality - and I love her so much."
"That," he said, "is how I feel about my kids. I love them more than life itself. If I had to pick between me living or them? I'd pick them every time. I did, too. When the Moles came, I sent Shadow to guard them. Not me. Them."
"But your woman..." No, that didn't sound right. "The woman - "
"Layana," he supplied.
"But Layana," I said, latching on to her name this time, "is the one who cares for them. What do you get?"
"Oh, I care for them too," he said, shoveling a forkful of food into his face. "We were together when she had them, just to make that clear. When they were babies, I fed and changed them, since I can do that while working with the dogs. She headed back to the fields as soon as she could. Her love is horses, you see."
"But I don't see," I admitted.
He murmured, then pointed at my plate. "Well, eat while I explain." Then he waited for me to take a bite. "Ayla, I loved Layana. I tried to have a relationship with her, but she didn't seeme that way. She wanted something more casual. She said I was fun. When we had the kids, I took half the work. I did half the raising. Every chance I can get, I spend time with them at either my home or hers."
"I don't understand what you mean by casual," I admitted.
"Not a family," he said.
"Dating?" I asked.
He made a noise. "Almost dating. Friends who had sex. I thought our friendship was more than she did, and so here we are. She's moved on to other lovers, and we raise the kids together. My relationship with their mother isn't their fault, so we make sure they don't suffer for it."
"Oh." I nodded. "But men actually want children?"
"Some," he said. "Others don't. And some men want relationships with their woman..." He pointed at the torc around my neck. "Others want sex and nothing more. It's no different than how some women want children, Ayla, but you don't."
"Oh." Because my sister did. She loved her children, so that made sense to me.
I just hadn't expected amanto think like that. In my mind, it was different for a woman. She carried the child, getting to know it while it was still forming. Then she raised it, and that time formed a relationship, so all of it made sense to me, but up here things were so different.
"Why did you want a relationship?" I asked. "That might be a rude question. I'm sorry if it is."
He smiled at me and shook his head. "Nope. Naomi told Irrik and me just how different things are for you, and I'm not easily offended. But I want a relationship because it's nice to be loved. I want someone willing to go through life with me. I like the idea of a family. Of waking up to care for the kids, spending my day building a life for something bigger than myself, and ending the day with a woman who cares if I had a good day or a bad one.I like the idea of not being alone, Ayla. I keep hoping to find someone who can love me the way I love my kids and my dogs. So far? I haven't been that lucky." He dipped his head at my torc. "Why did you want that relationship?"
"Because I found people who feel right to have around," I said. "They make me smile, and thinking about them not being around makes my guts tie in knots. I don't want to need them, because I used to think that would make it easy for them to hurt me, but I do. I need all three of them in different ways, and I trust them enough to try."
"But theycouldhurt you," he said. "It's called heartbreak, Ayla, and if one of them dies, it will hurt even more if you let yourself care, but you know what?" He reached over and rubbed my arm just above the wrist. "It hurts so much more to not have it. Things in life hurt. That's just the way it is, but having someone there to listen, or hold you, or help you fight back? That makes it aloteasier to handle."
"I think that's why I'm here," I admitted. "I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want to losethis." And I gestured around us. "I feel like the Moles are the bad thing, trying to destroy everyone else's happiness, even their own, and I don't want everything up here to turn bad. I just found it, and all of you showed it to me. I can't imagine living without something to look forward to." And my hand lifted to trace the three circles where the men had left their signs.
"That," Lansin said, "is all love is. Doesn't matter if that's from a dog, a child, or a partner."
"Or a community," I added. "Because I think I love the people up here too."
"Yeah," he breathed. "Me too."
Thirty
Rymar
